Rise of The InvaderZ
by Red Witch
Summary: How did the series really end? What caused the downfall of The Irken Empire? What mysterious secrets does Dib have in his past? What is the truth about the leaders of Earth? And what's with the puppet show? Find out the answers in this insane fic!
1. This Stink Hole Earth

**Gir took the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters and put it in a taco. Just my own mad idea of the 'end' of the series. Based on what I've read online and adding my own demented twist on it. And the InvaderZ spelling is not a typo! You'll see…IT'S MADNESS! **

**Rise of The InvaderZ**

**Chapter One: This Stink Hole Earth**

"Stupid humans!" Zim staggered home, looking beaten up and torn. "Stupid Dib Stink and even stupider Gaz Stinkier! Computer! Take a memo! No longer is Dib Number One Enemy of Zim! Number One Enemy of Zim is Dib **and** Gaz!"

"COUCH!" Gir in his dog costume jumped up and landed on the couch. "TV!"

"Stupid Dib and really stupid female Gaz!" Zim snarled as he went down to his lab, ignoring Gir. "Of course Zim had to steal sister Gaz's game! Dib stole my PAK! If Zim did not steal game to convince Gaz to help Zim, Zim would be dead and…"

Suddenly he felt a lot of pain in his back and fell flat on his face. "Ow… Maybe being dead wasn't such a bad idea?"

His mind replayed the events of the day. His PAK had accidentally gotten dislodged at the Skool, triggering his life clock. Counting down ten minutes until death. Somehow Dib not only managed to grab the PAK but it attached to Dib's body.

What followed was a mad blur of events. Zim would have never been able to follow Dib if he hadn't learned that all children at the Skool were given homing chips in order to track them. And even as his mind was going he was able to trick Gaz into thinking her brother stole her beloved game slave in order to get his PAK back.

Gaz did not take learning the truth well. The beating she gave him was testament to that.

There was also something about a robot made by Doctor Membrane running amok throughout the city but he didn't really pay attention to that.

"Oh Zim does **not** feel well…" Zim groaned as he went to lie down somewhere and recover. "Ugh the very thought of my PAK being attached to Dib's disgusting body is enough to make me feel nauseous! I'm going to lie down!"

"Okay," Gir sat there watching the television.

"Well at least the worst is over," Zim grumbled.

Little did he know the worst was just beginning.

In fact it was the beginning of a series of events that would change not only Zim's life, but the fate of Earth, Irk and the entire universe.

Seriously, it was. I'm not joking here. Read the entire fic. You'll find out.

The very next day…

"Hmm I don't remember a fire that large just outside the skool," Zim blinked as he arrived at the building.

There was a huge fire across the street. Many houses were ablaze and they could see a large robot in the back of the fire shooting out lasers from it's eyes and blowing up buildings, fighter planes, tanks, the occasional pedestrian…Etc.

"Oh right, the robot," Zim blinked. "Now I remember."

Zim felt better but still felt slightly off. "Ugh…I'm still recovering from yesterday's disaster," He muttered as he entered the skool yard. "Why did I even come here? In fact why do I still **go** to this wretched place?"

He thought to himself. "I'm not learning any new intelligence about this planet. That Dib creature annoys me even more here than out of skool. And I'm bored to tears."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Someone on the other side of the fence screamed. "I'M ON FIRE!"

"I can't believe I've been on this stupid mud ball for less than two years and I'm no closer to completing my goal of taking over this planet than when I got here!" Zim was frustrated. "I mean what exactly have I accomplished?"

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"Wow! That robot just blew up another skyscraper!" Some kid yelled.

"I think the river's on fire too," Another kid said.

"Nothing," Zim was concerned with only his situation. "Absolutely nothing!"

BOOOOOOOOOM!

CRASH!

A fancy plane labeled. EARTH'S MOST POWERFUL AND TECHOLOGICALLY ADVANCED FIGHTER PLANE had crashed across the street. Then it blew up.

BOOOOOOOOM!

"Wow! That fire from that one crashed plane wrecked two more planes!" A kid cried out.

**"Nothing!"** Zim sputtered in anger. "All the other invaders have conquered their planets within months of their deployment! Even that idiot Skoodge conquered his and had to come to Earth. I'll bet he came to gloat."

"OH MY GOD!" A man screamed in the distance. "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! ALL MY POSSESSIONS ARE DESTROYED! YEOWW! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!"

"Everything bad happens to Zim!" Zim kicked a pebble as he walked towards the building.

Only to find dozens of kids standing outside. "Why is everyone just **standing** here in Zim's way?" Zim snapped.

"The door's not open," One girl told him. "They won't let us in."

"Now they will not let Zim enter a building he **loathes?** Why does everything happen to **me?**" Zim yelled.

"Wait I think I see Miss Bitters coming to get us," One kid remarked.

"Students because of a teacher shortage this morning we've decided to just let you little heathens run around outside all day," Ms. Bitters sneered as she opened the door. "Apparently some crybabies won't come in because a couple of highways were destroyed and can't come up with any intelligent way to get to work. Besides none of you are going to learn anything anyway. You're all failures so what's the point?" She went back into the building and slammed the door.

"So we have all day recess?" One kid asked.

"COOL!" A kid named Screamy yelled. "LET'S ALL WATCH THE FIRE!"

"YAY FIRE! FIRE IS COOL!" The kids ran over to the fence and screamed with delight.

Except of course for Dib and Gaz who were sitting on a bench nearby. Gaz was playing her game slave and Dib was glaring at Zim. "How are you feeling **Zim?**" Dib sneered.

"What is that phrase that Earthers use? Oh yes, **bite me!"** Zim snapped back.

"Serves you right! Because of your stupid backpack it made me want to destroy the Earth and caused that robot my dad made to wreck everything!" Dib snarled. "I got grounded for two weeks!"

"Big deal," Gaz didn't look up from her game. "You know Dad never stays home long enough to carry it through. I'm grounded for two weeks too because of Zim but you don't see me whining about it."

"Didn't Dad take your game slave for fighting?" Dib blinked. "How'd you get it back?"

"I have my methods," Gaz growled. "Zim…Never touch my game again. Now shut up and leave me alone!"

Dib and Zim went back to insulting each other. "You are a stupid alien!" Dib yelled.

"And you are a dim witted monkey boy!" Zim shouted.

"Alien!" Dib got into Zim's face.

"Monkey boy!" Zim got into Dib's face.

"ALIEN!"

"MONKEY!"

"ALIEN DOOKY BRAIN!"

"MONKEY DOOKY BRAIN!"

**FLASH! **

A surge of pain shot through Zim's brain like a laser knife attached to a very sharp object. Followed by dozens of images of Dib's life and even more pain.

"Yeowwwch!" Both Dib and Zim yelled at the same time.

"Ow! What did you **do** Zim? Some kind of stupid mind control thingy?" Dib rubbed his head.

"One, that was **not **me! Two to do that I would **need** a mind to do a mind control thingy and since you Dib Stank don't **have** one that's pretty much impossible!" Zim shouted as he rubbed his head. "Besides you're the one that tried to use some stupid Poly-abnormal device on me! Admit it!"

"First it's **paranormal** lame brain!" Dib shouted. "And I didn't do anything! You did it!"

"No, I didn't you did!" Zim shouted back.

"Did not!" Zim said.

"Did too!" Dib shouted.

"You lie! You lying liar!" Zim snapped.

"I know you are but what am I?" Dib challenged.

"Lying liar!" Zim shouted.

"I know you are but what am I?" Dib sneered.

"I just said you were a lying liar! Pay attention stupid!" Zim shouted.

"I'm not the stupid one! You are!" Dib yelled back.

"No you're the stupid one Dib!" Zim shouted. "You're a stupid dumb dummy head with a stupid big head and a stupid life and a stupid sister and a stupid father…"

"DON'T CALL MY FAMILY STUPID!" Dib shrieked before he tackled Zim. The two rolled around on the ground hitting each other.

"What's going on? Oh it's just Zim and Dib fighting," One girl turned around, shrugged and went back to the fire. "Woah! Look at that car burn!" No one paid attention to the two fighting.

But there was someone watching. Ms. Bitters frowned as she watched the boy and the alien go at it on the playground from a window in an empty teacher's lounge. With a grunt she whisked over to a small cooler. She pushed a button to have it change into a communicator of some sort. "This is Bitters reporting," She sneered.

"Go ahead Bitters," A male voice oozing with malice spoke back. "I take it you have something **interesting** to report this time?"

"It's the Irken and that Dib boy," Bitters snarled. She looked out the window. "They're starting to become a problem."

"_Starting?_ Those two idiots have already caused a doom bot prototype to go out of control ahead of schedule!" The male voice snarled. "The only reason we put them in the same class together was to keep them occupied so neither idiot would discover us here."

"Well what do you want me to do? I can't watch those fools every second of the day you know?" Bitters snapped. "When they're off skool property my job ends!"

"Have you even been **trying** to bring down their self esteem?" The Male voice asked.

"Of course I have! I've made every degrading and sarcastic comment I'm allowed to in the book and used every type of unfair punishment I can think of. Except of course for the tasers and the cattle prods but you wimps won't let me use **that!**" Bitters snapped. "If you let me have free reign I would have broken their spirits a long time ago!"

"Will you let **me** handle this?" A malicious female voice spoke. "Sneer didn't mean to question your methods or your sincerity. For decades you have done an admirable job breaking the spirits and domesticating these human children so as adults they become more malleable and stupid."

"Oh yes he did," Bitters snarled. "Look I've got too much to do handling the rest of the dullards around this loathsome brain rotting cesspool! It's bad enough I have to tolerate the rest of these worthless human dullards! But those two have pushed even my patience to the limit! Something needs to be done! So either assign me an assistant to take care of them or reassign me to terminate those idiots!"

"We can't terminate them," The female voice sighed. "The Irken could cause problems for us and the boy is Membrane's son. We need him in the future. But you are right about one thing. Those two must be dealt with. What about the female Membrane child?"

"Please, as long as she's playing her game slave she could care **less** what happens," Bitters rolled her eyes.

"Fine. We'll send someone to take care of both Dib and the Irken," The female voice sighed.

"It's about time," Bitters sneered. "I've actually had to do some work with those two around!"

**Dum, dum, dum! And I mean dum! See what happens next! **


	2. When Psychologists Attack

**When Psychologists Attack! **

The next very cloudy day Skool was back in session. Apparently they were able to find some teachers and substitutes willing to come in. Even though the robot was still rampaging throughout the other side of the city.

But that didn't matter to either Zim nor Dib. Or anyone else at the Skool.

"Well class guess what?" Miss Bitters snarled as she pointed to a video. "In another **brilliant** move by your parents on the PTA Committee to shove off even **more **responsibility in raising you, I've been ordered to give this class a lesson in sex education. And these same idiots wonder why when you hit puberty you spend all your time making out with each other and getting into stupid situations."

"Sex education…?" Zim blinked. This sounded interesting. "Does this have to do with any of Earth's weapons systems? It's defense shields perhaps?"

"No, you idiot. It's about where babies come from," Dib rolled his eyes.

"Oh," Zim blinked. "That. And that's important for us to know **why?**"

"I asked the Skool Board the **very same** question," Miss Bitters sighed. "Just watch the stupid video."

Zim decided to resign himself to watching it. _Well at least I'll know how the_ _humans reproduce so maybe I can figure out a way to stop it?_ He thought to himself. _It must have something to do with that place they call a hospital. Must be like the Hatchery where they make smeets back on Irk. _

It didn't take long for him to find out that was very, very wrong.

He watched the whole thing in horror. He couldn't look away. If he was capable of throwing up he would have. He almost did.

"That is the most **disgusting** thing I have ever seen!" Zim screamed when the video ended.

"Yeah revolting," Miss Bitters growled. "But that's the way it happens."

"EWWWWWW!" Several kids also groaned.

"Oh like **none** of you had any idea!" Miss Bitters snapped. "I know for a fact little Jimmy over there charges five dollars so you kids can watch R rated movies at his house!"

"He **does?** Since when?" Dib looked around.

"Like I'd invite a nut job like **you** to my house!" Jimmy folded his arms.

"This…This is unnatural!" Zim shook with horror.

"And I'm not inviting you either Zim," Jimmy added.

"Not that! This…Disgusting…procreation! You can't tell me that no one else in this class was born in a nice, clean sterile laboratory from a test tube!" Zim stood on top of his desk shaking his fist.

"You mean in-vitro fertilization? You cover that next year," Miss Bitters grumbled.

"No, I mean born in a test tube! An actual nice clean test tube instead of…Instead of inside a…Oh I can't even say it!" Zim shudder.

"A **mother** Zim?" Dib smirked. "Yes Zim, I had a mom. I don't remember her but…"

"Wait…You weren't born like **that!**" Zim blinked. A very clear memory of the infant Dib in a test tube hit him.

"Yes I was!" Dib said vehemently. "Everybody on Earth was **Zim!**"

"No, you weren't! You **lie!"** Zim pointed at Dib. "Teacher! Dib is lying about his origins!"

"I **had** to take decaf this morning…" Miss Bitters glared into her coffee cup.

"Everyone! Listen to Zim! Dib was not born out of what you call a _mother,_" Zim sneered. "Dib was born in a lab! A proper, hermetically sealed lab like a **normal **being should be born in!"

"Zim even Dib isn't **that** weird," A boy rolled his eyes.

"He is! He is weird! He is the very epitome of weirdness!" Zim screeched.

"There goes Zim, making stuff up again," Dib rolled his eyes. "Like he did that **last** time."

"Sit down Zim," Miss Bitters sneered. "Those desks haven't been paid for yet."

Someone threw a wad of paper at Zim's head. "Who threw that at Zim? You shall suffer my **wrath!**" Zim shook his fist. "My wrath shall be great! GREAT SHALL BE THE WRATH OF ZIM!"

"SIDDOWWN!" Miss Bitters loomed over Zim. Zim quickly sat down. "Now time to work in your groups. Get in your groups and do something."

"Uh Miss Bitters? What subject are we supposed to work on?" A girl raised her hand.

"Surprise me," Miss Bitters said. "You're all woefully behind in worksheets."

"We are?" Zim blinked. "What worksheets?"

Miss Bitters went to a hanging chain and yanked it. A chute on top of the classroom opened and thousands of papers filled the room. Some students were buried in paperwork. "Get to work!" She snarled. "And don't have any fun while I'm gone!" She stormed out muttering something about not enough coffee breaks and needing stronger coffee in the teacher's lounge.

More papers hit Zim on the head. "Way to go weirdo!" A large boy grumbled before the students went to work in their groups. In a sick twist of fate, the only person in Zim's group was of course, Dib.

"How does it feel to have nobody believe you, **Zim**?" Dib couldn't resist twisting the knife.

"You…" Zim's eye twitched. "You are a lying, liar…liar face!"

"Oh yeah, the **alien** pretending to be a human in order to conquer the planet is calling **me** a liar!" Dib scoffed.

"Hey! I only lie because it's my **job!**" Zim snapped. "You just lie for the sake of lying you smelly little lying weasel face!"

"I see what's going on here," Dib sneered. "Man Zim I must be really be getting to you if you have to resort to a stupid lie like that in order to get me out of the way! That's what this is all about! I'm wearing you down Zim!"

"You are **not** wearing me down! Zim is un-weardownable!" Zim bristled.

"Oh yes you are! I'm wearing you down!" Dib got in his face. "Face it Zim! You're losing! I know all your tricks! I'm in your head!"

"You are **not** in my head! You are to stay **out **of my head!" Zim got into Dib's face. "This is a Stay Out of Zim's Head Zone!"

"Too late! I'm in your head! I know all your moves!" Dib snarled.

"No, you don't," Zim said. "Zim…"

"Has moves I've **never** seen before," Dib rolled his eyes. "Been there. Heard that."

"That was **not** what I was going to say!" Zim bristled.

"Yes it was!" Dib retorted. "It took me a while but I figured you out! I've been studying you since you landed on this planet. I know **everything** about you! And I'm going to use my research to bring you down!"

"You will **never** bring Zim down!" Zim snarled. Both of them were face to face now, pushing their heads against each other. "Never!"

FLASH!

An image of Baby Dib smashing an inflatable toy alien with a whiffle bat went through Zim's mind. The inflatable toy popped back up and bopped Baby Dib on the head.

"Ow!" Zim winced in pain and rubbed his head.

"Whoa…" Dib blinked. "I just had an image of you with a whole bunch of other aliens at some kind of alien academy for taking over planets. I **must **be getting into your head!"

"Did I **not** say this was a stay out of my head zone?" Zim yelled. He was very angry and frustrated. "DIE!" He tackled Dib.

"YOU DIE FIRST ZIM!" Dib fought back. The two of them fought around the room, spewing papers everywhere.

"MISS BITTERS!" A young girl with pigtails cried out. "DIB AND ZIM ARE AT IT AGAIN!"

Miss Bitters slithered into the room with a grace of a raptor. However instead of breaking up the fight she simply sipped her coffee. "Now this has good caffeine," Bitters sipped her cup.

"Uh aren't you gonna break up the fight?" A small boy asked.

"And shorten the only decent entertainment I've had all day?" Bitters snapped. "Later. I need my coffee first."

"DIE ALIEN!"

"YOU DIE DIB MONKEY!"

CRASH!

"Ah well, that computer was already broken," Bitters sipped her coffee.

"Miss Bitters, isn't their fighting not conductive to our learning environment?" A very large tough looking boy asked.

"Oh like any of you will learn **anything?**" Bitters sneered. "Haven't you figured by now that all this place is nothing more than a underpaid day care facility where our job is to keep you from killing yourselves while your parents are either working or drinking?"

CRASH!

"None of you will ever amount to anything anyway," Bitters sneered. "Except of course maybe Zim and Dib for being famous nutcases…"

Two large security officers walked in. "Uh we're here to escort Dib and Zim to the Skool Psychologist's office," One said.

"It's about time!" Miss Bitters put her hands on her hips. "Get them **out** of here!"

Both Zim and Dib were pulled apart. They kept trying to scratch and bite each other as they were dragged away. The students cheered and threw more paper balls at them.

"This is all your fault, Zim!" Dib screamed as the boys were dragged through the hallways.

"You are the one to blame, Dib!" Zim screamed back. Students and teachers alike poked their heads out of the doors to see what was going on. "Zim will have vengeance!"

"Not if I have vengeance first!" Dib yelled back.

Gaz and several of her classmates were watching too. "Your brother is **so weird** Gaz," One girl said.

"That's for sure," Another girl said.

"No wonder Gaz is so odd," A third girl remarked. "I'd be odd too if I had such rampant mental illness in my family."

"Dib you always have to **embarrass** me don't you?" Gaz gritted her teeth, plotting painful things to do to her brother when they got home.

Soon the boys were inside an office. "Hello Boys, my name is Dr. Wesley," A thin cheerful man with blond hair and glasses grinned. "I'm the Skool Psychologist. It seems that this little session is way overdue."

"The only thing that is overdue is Zim getting what he deserves!" Dib snapped.

"Oh yeah? Then Zim will give Dib what he deserves!" Zim made a fist.

"Just try it Zim!" Dib yelled back.

"Now Dib, Zim…It seems you two boys have some problems," Dr. Wesley smiled.

"My only problem is his **existence!**" Zim pointed to Dib.

"Ditto!" Dib growled at Zim.

"Dib…You're a very lonely little boy aren't you?" Dr. Wesley said kindly.

"Not really," Dib blinked.

"Trouble is a form of attention for you isn't it?" Dr. Wesley went on. "It doesn't matter if nobody likes you as long as they know you're there. The more people complain about you, the more people **notice** you. Isn't that right?"

"Yeah Dib **loves **to get noticed for how weird he is," Zim scoffed.

"The same goes for you too, Zim," Dr. Wesley gave him a look. He turned his attention back to Dib. "You don't have a very stable home life do you Dib? Your father works all the time and doesn't pay much attention to you and you resent it don't you?"

"Well maybe a little…" Dib admitted.

"And nobody pays much attention to you either do they Zim?" Dr. Wesley asked. "In fact you boys are very much alike."

"OKAY NOW WAIT A MINUTE…!" Zim shouted.

"NO WAY!" Dib yelled at the exact same time.

"I AM **NOTHING **LIKE **HIM!**" Dib and Zim yelled at the same time.

"Oh I think you are," Dr. Wesley smiled. "Zim…Why are you always so proud? So unwilling to accept help from anyone?"

"Because I am **Zim!** I am great! I am mighty!" Zim protested.

"But why, Zim? Why?" Dr. Wesley asked.

"I…Okay can I be honest here?" Zim sighed.

"Go ahead, Zim. Don't hold back," Dr. Wesley nodded sympathetically.

"Sometimes…Sometimes I don't want to be the way I am. But I have to be. I mean…I am kind of short," Zim admitted. "My Tall…I mean a lot of people don't like me because I am small and don't think I can do much. But just because I'm small doesn't mean I can't do stuff right? I mean I have to be **Zim** all the time or else people will think I'm small and weak. But I'm not. It's just…I've been doing this so long I don't know how else to act." Zim sniffed.

"That's it, let it out…" Dr. Wesley smiled.

"I just want to be **me!** But I can't be me or I'll be seen as weak," Zim sniffed with a little tear coming out of his eye.

"Wow, I had no idea you felt like that Zim," Dib blinked.

"I…Wait a minute! Aha! Foolish Dib Monkey! Zim fooled you! Zim **fooled** you!" Zim regained his composure.

"No you didn't! I was just playing along waiting for your guard to be down!" Dib snapped.

"Aha! And Zim **knew** you were looking for Zim's guard to be down! But Zim's guard is **never** down!" Zim cackled. "So Zim **faked **letting his guard down to get you to let your guard down! Ha! HA!"

"Yeah well I knew that you knew that I knew you were faking so I faked **not** knowing that you knew that I **knew** that you knew you were faking!" Dib yelled.

"Yes well I knew that you knew that I knew that you knew that I knew that you knew I was faking so I knew that by pretending that I didn't know that you knew and didn't know and…The point is Zim laid a clever trap and you fell into it!" Zim shouted.

"What was the point of the trap? To watch you **cry?**" Dib sneered.

"YES! No…Wait a minute…?" Zim blinked.

"Ha! You fell into **my trap!"** Dib shouted.

"Did not!" Zim shouted.

"Let's try **something else** shall we?" Dr. Wesley sighed. "BOYS!"

Both Zim and Dib were facing off. "Huh? What?" Zim looked at Dr. Wesley.

"How about we do some role reversal play?" Dr. Wesley asked.

"How about you just let me stuff Dib into a garbage chute?" Zim was annoyed.

"Not if I stuff you first Zim!" Dib shouted.

"Look just try it okay?" Dr. Wesley gave them a look. "Each of you pretend to be the other."

"You mean…You want me to **pretend** to be **him?**" Zim recoiled.

"Yes."

"Why?" Zim recoiled.

"To try and see things from his point of view," Dr. Wesley said.

"No, seriously," Zim gave him a look. "Why?"

"Just do it Zim," Dib groaned. "I'll start." He started to imitate Zim. "I am ZIM! I am an ALIEN! But everyone else around me is too STUPID to see what ZIM really is except DIB!"

"Zim does **not** sound like that!" Zim pointed. "LIES!"

"Zim is an idiot!" Dib cried out.

"Duh! I'm Dib! I'm a **moron,**" Zim said in a stupid voice. "I can never be as great as **Zim!** I'm a big stupid head with a really large stupid huge head!"

"I DO NOT HAVE A HUGE HEAD! IT'S ONLY SLIGHTLY LARGER!" Dib yelled.

"If by _slightly larger_ you mean slightly larger than the butt of that really large land animal with a trunk then, yes," Zim quipped. "It is slightly **larger!**"

"First place, it's called an **elephant!** EVERYBODY ON EARTH KNOWS WHAT THAT IS!" Dib yelled.

"OBVIOUSLY NOT EVERYBODY!" Zim yelled.

"YES EVERYBODY!" Dib yelled.

"Boys…" Dr. Wesley sighed.

"NOT EVERYBODY!"

"YES EVERYBODY!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"THAT'S IT!" Dr. Wesley shouted. "Screw protocol! I'm late enough as it is for my golf game!" He grabbed Zim and Dib by the collars. "I'm taking care of you two rejects once and for all!"

He pushed a button and all three of them went to a dark low level. "Where are you taking Zim? Zim demands you answer!" Zim struggled against his grasp.

"Where we take all stupid, willful uncooperative children!" Dr. Wesley pointed to a classroom that was in a cell filled with children with vacant, glassy eyes. "We make them obedient and cooperative!"

"This must be the Underground Classroom," Dib gasped. "They're zombies!"

"Technically no," Dr. Wesley dragged them along a corridor. "Zombies are the undead. These children are still alive. They just had their free will and independent thought removed as well as any homicidal tendencies!"

"But look at all these kids! You can't keep all these kids in here! Surely some parents must notice?" Dib gasped.

"Are you kidding? More than half of these children were requested to be here by their parents. And as for keeping them here, obviously we don't. That would strain our budget," Dr. Wesley dragged them into a room filled with a very large painful looking device. "We let them roam free on weekends and ship them back to their parents' homes during skool vacations. Not like they won't come back willingly, being mindless drones and all. And when they grow up they will become perfect workers for the government! Or accountants."

"Some of 'em we send back up because they were mild cases anyway. As you can see our cells are overpopulated as it is!" Mr. Wesley pointed to one cell filled with children lying on each other. "So when a kid gets sent down we send a 'reformed' kid back up! Unfortunately for you two, that isn't gonna happen! You're gonna be down here a long, long, long time!"

He threw Dib into a large chair which strapped him down hard. A suction went on his head. "Oh right. That head's **too big** to use the normal draining suction," Dr. Wesley grumbled as he threw Zim into another chair and restrained him. "Gonna need the extra large one."

He pushed a lever and that suction popped off only to be pushed down by a larger one. "Still not big enough? Fine! We'll use the extra **extra **large one!" Dr. Wesley plopped down a huge suction on Dib's head. "There! That should do it!"

"You can't **do** this! People will notice…" Dib protested.

"Dib you should notice by now how **stupid** people really are! That's all because of the education system! People will notice **nothing** except that the weird boys they can't stand are gone and will be happy! This should have been done **years** ago!" Dr. Wesley snarled as he started the controls of the machine. "Your free will and independent thought should have been drained years ago like all the other students that had a spark of independence! But the powers that be thought that you were just too **insane** to be a threat!"

"So **that's** what happens to the kids in the Underground Classroom!" Dib was horrified.

"Got it in one! And once I'm done with **you,** I'll take care of your green friend!" Dr. Wesley snorted.

"He's not my friend! He's an alien that's going to take over the world!" Dib shouted.

"Keep talking, Crazy," Dr. Wesley snarled. "Soon you'll be just another mindless zombie!"

"Wait I know why he wants to drain **my** brain but why is he trying to drain Dib's brain unless…?" Zim thought. "He must want something **important** from Dib! Something Zim does not know about! I can't let that happen! Only I am allowed to drain Dib's brain! With my own brain draining device! Once I **make** a brain draining device…"

Zim found that his restraints were loose. "Good thing Irkens have very flexible wrists," Zim wriggled his way loose and untied his straps.

"Hey! You what are you **doing?**" Dr. Wesley shouted as Zim tackled Dr. Wesley.

Zim managed to knock Dr. Wesley back and turn off the brain draining device. "HA HA! Zim has thwarted your plan to drain Dib's brain!" Zim cackled.

"Why the hell did you…? Okay kid cards on the table time," Dr. Wesley sighed. "I know you're an alien. You know you're an alien. But neither of us wants Dib to think you're an alien so why don't you just shut up, follow my lead and get with the program here and let me drain his brain?"

"Say whaaa…?" Zim blinked. "No! This is a trick! I know the truth! YOU ARE AN ALIEN!"

"No I'm not!" Dr. Wesley shouted.

"Liar! You are an alien trying to take over the Earth! **Admit it!"** Zim shouted.

"Well this is an interesting turn of events," Dib blinked.

"Oh for crying out loud! Just get out of here you stupid little…" Dr. Wesley snarled.

"LIES! ZIM WILL NOT BE FOOLED BY YOU ALIEN MENACE!" Zim pointed at Dr. Wesley.

"If you're **not** an alien why would you not care if Zim is an alien?" Dib asked, his mind working quickly.

"Ah ha! He's right! The Dib Monkey speaks the truth! So you **have** to be an alien!" Zim pointed.

"Yeah Zim he's an **even worse** alien than you are," Dib had a plan. "And he said he was going to conquer the world before you did."

"Oh he did, did he?" Zim was angry.

"No I didn't!" Dr. Wesley shouted. "When did I say that?"

"Just now," Dib said.

"No I didn't!" Dr. Wesley shouted. "Zim you would have heard me!"

"Unless you used some kind of alien technology to make me forget I heard you!" Zim shouted. "Admit it! Admit you were trying to trick Zim!"

"Oh for crying out…" Dr. Wesley groaned.

"Zim! He's trying to drain my brain so he'll know everything I know about your plans for world conquest!" Dib said quickly. "Some of the plans are already inside his head!"

"No, they are not!" Dr. Wesley shouted.

"Yes they are!" Dib shouted.

"Then there is only one thing to do! DRAIN THE BRAIN!" Zim shouted as he yanked the suction off Dib's head and slammed it on Dr. Wesley's. The suction of course covered his entire face.

"HEY! GET THIS OFF ME YOU YARRRRGGGLEEEEE!" Dr. Wesley screamed as Zim turned on the device.

"Full power! Let's hit all the buttons to full power!" Zim cackled as he pushed every button on the controls.

"YARRGLEEGE! GAGGGGLE! YAGGGLEEE! SWEEEEEET! WWEEEOOP!" Dr. Wesley flopped around, occasionally being zapped by some kind of electric volt.

"Glad that's not me," Dib winced.

"YUUPPPPP! OOOOWEEEEEOOOWWWWWOOOWW!" Dr. Wesley screamed as the machine started to smoke.

"YES! YES! ZIM WILL TAKE THE BRAIN! HA HA HA HA!" Zim cackled. Then the machine started to spark and parts of it caught on fire. "Huh? Is it **supposed** to do that?"

"This can't be good," Dib winced, preparing for the pain.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Dr. Wesley was shot up into the sky as well as part of what was left of the machine.

"Wow that's a big hole," Zim blinked as he looked at the hole in the ceiling. It went all the way up to the roof. Both Zim and Dib were covered in smoke. Dib's clothes were more tattered but he was free from the chair.

"WOW I CAN SEE THE SKY!" Screamy was heard yelling. "HEY A BIRD POOPED ON ME!"

The Personality Drainer was destroyed. Suddenly thousands of twinkly lights and ghostly images of thousands of kids emerged from the destroyed machine. "HEY I LIKE TO DRAW AGAIN!" Screamy was heard shouting. "I THINK I'LL DRAW THE BIRD THAT POOPED ON ME!"

The sounds of several kids yelling cheerfully were heard down the hall. "Free! We're free! I wanna skateboard! I want a puppy! I want to carve my initials into my sister's arm!"

"What is that all about?" Zim blinked.

"I think we just un-zombified the kids in the Underground Classroom," Dib said. "And they all broke out."

"LET'S BURN THE SKOOL DOWN! YAY!" Some kid screamed. "BUT FIRST WE GET ICE CREAM!"

"This might be a problem," Dib blinked.

"YEAH FIRE AND ICE CREAM!" Another kid screamed.

"Maybe some of those kids did deserve to be down here?" Dib gulped.

"Sounds like it to me," Zim shuddered as he saw one group of children tackle a security guard and started eating him alive.

A familiar shadow loomed over them. "What did you **do?**" Miss Bitters snarled when she saw the Personality Drainer had been completely destroyed. Then she saw the roof. "The **roof!**"

"Uh…He did it!" Both Zim and Dib pointed at each other.

Bitters let out a huge roar. "Uh I think we should run now…" Dib gulped.

"Good idea…" Zim agreed. Both ran.

"You can't escape…" Bitters began to chase them but a large piece of the roof hit her hard. She slithered out from under the debris. "I hate it when children make things fall on me!"

They ran out of the skool. There were a lot of kids outside being picked up by their parents. "Why is there a hole in the roof?" One officious looking mother cried out.

"What was that explosion?" Another parent asked.

"AND WHY IS THERE BIRD POOP ON MY KID?" Another parent screamed.

"Look! It's Dib and Zim! They must have did something with their weirdness!" A kid pointed.

"Why is it when something happens or something explodes or the roof falls off it's always **my **fault?" Dib yelled.

"I said you **and** Zim," The kid told them.

"Oh well that's different," Dib blinked.

"THIS SKOOL ISN'T SUPPOSED TO LET ROOFS BLOW UP OR HAVE BIRD POOP ON MY KID!" Screamy's Dad yelled. "IT'S THE ADMINISTRATION'S FAULT!"

"My dad's a lawyer! Maybe we can sue the school and get a lot of money?" A kid said.

"Good idea son! And to think I almost didn't pick you up from school today!" A lawyer dad grinned. "Lucky for me I didn't go to that meeting!"

"No!" Miss Bitters hissed as she slithered out. "No suing the school you rotten little ambulance chaser!"

"Aha! According to the landmark case Clive VS. Ambulance you can't call us that anymore!" The lawyer shouted. "Yes! I got a roof blowing up case, a bird poop case and a slander case all in one day! I really should pick up my kid from school more! It's very lucrative!"

"No! No! No suing!" The principal ran out. "Miss Bitters please apologize!"

"I'd rather **die!"** Miss Bitters snarled.

"You two really did it this time," Gaz said as she walked up to Dib and Zim as the adults argued.

"It was his fault!" Dib pointed to Zim.

"Was not!" Zim snapped.

"Was too!" Dib snapped.

"Was…Hey what's that about?" Zim pointed.

"You don't fool…Me?" Dib blinked as something zipped past them.

"I'm an alien kids! And I'm gonna eat your brains! Blah!" Dr. Wesley screamed as he ran around in his underwear. He grabbed one kid and started to nibble on his head. The kid screamed and then several parents started to get outraged.

"Hey! Get your teeth off my kid!" A woman screamed as she chased Dr. Wesley.

"THIS SKOOL IS BAD!" Another one shouted.

"LAWSUIT! LET'S HIT 'EM WITH A LAWSUIT!" A third person shouted.

"HIT HIM WITH A ROCK!" A parent picked up a rock.

"MY KID HAS BIRD POOP ON HIM! WHO'S GONNA CLEAN THAT UP?" Screamy's Dad yelled. "NOT ME!"

"ANOTHER LAWSUIT! YES! I AM LAWSUIT MAN!" The lawyer called out.

"BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS!" Dr. Wesley cackled as he ran around in his underwear. Several parents started chasing him around. Some were throwing rocks and one carried a baseball bat.

Then several children that were formerly prisoners of the Underground Classroom burst out. Some were running around in circles. Others were singing. Others were happily stabbing adults with penknives or other sharp objects. "AAAAH! GET AWAY FROM ME!" One teacher was tackled by several students who gleefully hit her with erasers.

"WHAT KIND OF SKOOL IS THIS THAT LET'S CHILDREN RUN WILD?" A parent yelled as he was chased by more angry kids. "I'M GONNA SUE!"

"LAWSUIT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" The Lawyer danced around with glee.

"This isn't gonna be good for us is it?" Zim blinked.

"Afraid not," Dib winced.

"Well at least the next PTA meeting will be pretty interesting," Gaz blinked.

"I can't **stand** it…" Miss Bitters banged her head against the wall.


	3. The Bonding

**The Bonding**

The next day…

"And **that** is why you are grounded for several months! And another thing! I don't want you associating with that weird little foreign friend of yours anymore!" Professor Membrane yelled at his son. "He's obviously a bad influence on you!"

"He's an alien that wants to conquer the planet! **Of course** he's a bad influence!" Dib protested. "What else could he be? Not a **good** one!"

Gaz could hear the shouting in her room. She rolled her eyes but never stopped playing her game.

"I don't want to **hear** it! Your shenanigans have not only caused your skool psychologist to go insane! But you blew up the roof of the Skool! It will be weeks before the students will be allowed to go back. If you **are** allowed to go back at all! Your teacher called me and said she was considering suspending you…Over a pot of boiling oil!"

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"And I **still** haven't captured the robot you let loose on the city the other day!" Membrane yelled. "It blew up two more highways and a pretzel shop! I **like** pretzels Dib!"

"But Dad…"

"Don't but Dad me, young man! It was bad enough when your paranormal obsession humiliated yourself and this family but when it starts causing costly property damage…! Well that's one step too far! Not to mention I am way behind on my experiments! And those experiments are important to me Dib! Very important! Those cyborg cats and robot dogs won't make themselves you know!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"That sounded like it was two blocks away!" Membrane shouted. "I'll be back in a few days to yell at you later!" He ran out of the house.

Gaz chuckled and decided that tormenting her brother was more fun at the moment than finishing her game. She went to his room, not bothering to knock. "Boy you really made Dad blow a gasket," Gaz leaned against the door. "I haven't seen him this mad since the time you tried to bring back those dead cats from the pet cemetery."

"Yeah and he gave me the same punishment," Dib showed Gaz a large black collar around his neck.

"Whoa. He brought out the shock collar," Gaz snickered. "That is awesome!"

"No it's not Gaz! I can't go out of the house without getting shocked! And if I can't go out of the house Zim is free to plot and take over the world some more!"

"Dib…Zim can't even take over the couch from Gir," Gaz rolled her eyes. "I think the world will be fine."

"No the world will **not **be fine!" Dib yelled. "You don't know what goes on in Zim's deranged brain Gaz! I do! I've seen the dark side of his soul and it's really, really dark!"

"Large empty vacuums in space usually are," Gaz rolled her eyes as she left the room.

"Fate of the world Gaz!" Dib tried to take the collar off. "FATE OF THE AGGGGHHH!" He was jolted rather violently and fell of the bed.

"Dib! Just because you're stuck here doesn't mean I want to hear your voice!" Gaz snapped.

Meanwhile back at Zim's base…

"GEEEEEEEEEEE!" Zim shook violently in his secret base. "Ugh…Why do I feel like I've been shocked? And fallen off a bed?"

"You do look a little stressed," Invader Skoodge remarked as he walked in.

"Skoodge! Who let **you** in here?" Zim snapped. "Wait stupid question." He glared at Gir. Gir of course being clueless looked around to try and find who Zim was looking at.

"I got lonely and bored and I just wanted to visit," Skoodge said.

"Wanted to gloat more like it," Zim grumbled. "You just want to rub it in my face that you already conquered your planet and I haven't! Well I'm **working** on it! It's not easy Skoodge! Not **everyone** is lucky enough to have been assigned a planet with only giant rat monsters living on it! I got stupid **humans **infesting my planet! And bees. I **hate **the **bees!"**

"Actually I kind of have a confession to make about that," Skoodge played with his fingers. "I never actually conquered my planet. I just said I did because I didn't want to get eaten by the giant monster rats."

"Oh…" Zim blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean it was pretty easy to lie," Skoodge told him. "Nobody ever comes to Blortch because of all the giant rat monsters. After getting attacked a half dozen times I figured it was just easier to stick the Irken Flag on a big tall rock somewhere and call it a day."

"That **was** pretty smart," Zim blinked. "Who's going to go to a giant rat infested planet to check?"

"Exactly. And I knew since I did that none of the other Invaders would go down to the planet to check it out," Skoodge said. "Just use the armada to destroy the planet from space to wipe out the life forms."

"You conquered your planet without **actually** conquering it! Ingenious!" Zim was stunned. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"So I thought maybe I'd help you with your planet since we're both kind of having trouble with taking over our assigned worlds," Skoodge said. "And I kind of find Earth interesting."

"Well I suppose that YARRARGLGGEHEERAREGLEEELL!" Zim violently twitched again.

"Zim?" Skoodge blinked.

"YEARLGLESMIFFLEYARRGGLLEEES!" Zim screamed as he twitched.

"So I take it that's a yes?" Skoodge asked.

"Okay this is just getting **weird**!" Zim snapped as he shook himself.

"Are you okay Zim?" Skoodge asked.

"Normally I'd make a sarcastic remark at that comment, but to be honest…I'm not so sure," Zim groaned as he rubbed his head and stood up. "I've been feeling really strange these past few days. I'm getting images and memories of my arch enemy Dib. I get these weird feelings."

Zim stiffened. "YEOWWWWWWWWWW!"

"And you occasionally feel like you're getting zapped by something painful?" Skoodge scratched his head.

"Yes! Yes! Do you have **any idea** what is going on here?" Zim asked. "What is happening to Zim?"

"Well I don't know about the zapping part but the memories and feelings stuff sound awfully familiar," Skoodge thought. "Maybe it's some kind of disease?"

"Disease! Is that what is wrong with me? Computer do a full body scan," Zim lay down on a slab and let the computer scan him with a green light. "Figures I'd get myself infected by **another **stupid Earth disease!"

"Analysis beginning…" The Computer spoke in a friendly voice. "Your invader blood has been infiltrated by unknown DNA. Due to your adaptability genes the DNA is being encoded within your body. As a result the Bonding Process is beginning in your body. It will be complete within two days to three weeks."

"Bonding Process? What Bonding Process? And where did I get this unknown DNA? Did **you** put something in me Skoodge?" Zim jumped off the slab and grabbed Skoodge by the collar. "That's it isn't it? You wanted my job of taking over the Earth so you infected me with some disease! You want to steal my job you…JOB STEALER!"

"No Zim! It's not me!" Skoodge protested.

"Why Skoodge? Why did you do this to **Zim?** Why did you make him diseased?" Zim howled. "Why-y-y?"

"It's not a disease, Zim. The Bonding Process is an adaptability feature built in all Irkens," The Computer spoke. "When two Irkens of a similar mind link vital fluid such as blood or secretions from antennae, it creates a partnership link. This partnership link will allow two Irkens to fight as one, combining their skills and mindset into an ultimate weapon."

"You are a mind stealer and a job stealer!" Zim yelled at Skoodge. "You want my mind to help you take over planets while you take over my job!"

"Zim aren't you paying attention to anything the computer is telling you?" Skoodge asked.

"He **never** listens. He has terrible listening skills," The Computer grumbled.

"Why did you do this to me Skoodge? Wait…This is about what happened the Second Painful Overload Day isn't it?" Zim pointed. "You never forgave me for that!"

"Well to be honest sometimes I do get a bit miffed when I remember what you did," Skoodge said. "But I'd never infect a fellow invader with a disease to get back at him and take his job."

"Why not?" Gir asked.

"Yeah why **not?"** Zim yelled. "How could you do this to me Skoodge? Why? WAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Told you. He **never** listens," The Computer grumbled.

"Wait a minute! The computer said you have **alien** DNA! Right?" Skoodge backed away. "Were you in contact with any alien DNA?"

"Of course not! I would never be so careless to allow myself to be tainted by non Irken DNA! Unless of course you count…" Zim blinked. "My PAK! That disgusting Dib Stink contaminated my PAK with his ugly germy inferior DNA!"

"Your PAK?" Skoodge blinked.

"A few days ago I lost my PAK in an accident and that stupid Dib with his stupid enlarged head thought it would be a good idea to keep it from me and he got my PAK attached to his body and…And somehow some of his bodily fluids were still attached to my PAK when I reattached it. That idiot!" Zim yelled.

"Where there you go," Skoodge said. "That would happen if you got his blood or secretions from his antennae."

"HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANTENNAE YOU FOOL!" Zim shouted. "HE'S A HUMAN! A STUPID STINKING HUMAN!"

"Ooh, kinky," Gir spoke.

"It's not supposed to be for **that!**" Zim snapped at Gir. "Invaders don't need mates! Partners in destruction, yes! Mates, no! In fact our race doesn't even mate or need to mate because of our superior genetic technology and the Hatchery!"

"Saturday nights must be real dull on your planet huh?" Gir blinked.

"It's your planet too Gir!" Zim snapped.

"Oh yeah…" Gir remembered.

"Zim this isn't good. I'm pretty sure there's a rule about Bonding with a non Irken," Skoodge thought. "Even if it was an accident. That's grounds for deactivation right there!"

"What?" Zim turned around and looked at Skoodge.

"Yeah if that DNA is deemed inferior you'd be classified as both defective and _tainted,_" Skoodge said. "And that is **not **a good combination to have on your file. No offense Zim, but your record has enough black marks in it as it is!"

"Just out of curiosity what happens if an Irken gets…tainted?" Zim gulped.

"No one knows. No Irken has ever bonded ever with a non Irken before," Skoodge said. "But I'm pretty sure it's the same punishment as if you're declared defective. Only worse…."

"Ahhhhh, you'd probably only be killed and chopped up into little bits," Gir waved his hand in a dismissive motion.

"NO! THIS WILL NOT DO! Computer! How do I remove this inferior DNA from my body? Begin the procedure!" Zim got back up on the slab.

"Zim once the Bonding Process starts it can't be stopped," Skoodge blinked. "Don't you remember that from the Health class we took?"

"What do you mean it can't be stopped? It **has **to be stopped!" Zim shouted. "If it was Irken DNA I could see it but this is inferior human DNA! It has to be stopped! Right!"

"Actually according to my scans this human's particular DNA is quite compatible with yours," The Computer said.

"No it's not! It can't be! I am an Invader! He is a useless Dib Worm! Dib Worms and Invaders don't mix!" Zim shouted.

"They do now!" Gir said cheerfully. "I want snacks."

"Snacks are good," Skoodge admitted.

"Zim his having a crisis and all you can talk about is snacks?" Zim snapped.

"It's always a good time for snacks," Gir said. "Wait hold on...I am remembering...Something..."

"The fact you can remember anything at all is astounding to me," Zim grumbled.

"Didn't you put a lot of human worm baby organs in your body once?" Gir asked. "And one was Dib's? Why didn't you bond then?"

"Because I followed standard proccedure and sprayed each organ with protective non bonding spray before I put them in my body! Duh!" Zim snapped.

"Wait you did what?" Skoodge asked.

"It's a long story. A horrible one when Zim was forced to harvest organs of Earth smeets in order to survive. It was a Dark Harvest," Zim hissed. "YEOWWWWCH!" He twitched horribly.

"You have a lot of those weird long stories don't you?" Skoodge asked.

"No! This is wrong! I'm having flashes of stupid Dib's stupid life!" Zim growled. "Not even the good parts! If he has any good parts…"

Again he felt like he was being shocked. "YEOWWWWW! AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THERE ARE TEN THOUSAND VOLTS RUNNING THROUGH MY SYSTEM?" Zim screamed.

"Maybe something's happening to this Dib you keep talking about?" Skoodge asked. "You're feeling his pain."

"Wait a minute…I've seen Red and Purple get hurt and neither were affected by it," Zim blinked.

"That's because those two have been bonded since the academy," Skoodge explained. "After a few decades you learn how to block the majority of the pain so you can enjoy it better when your partner gets hurt."

"This is bad! This is very bad! I've got to find a way to break it!" Zim paced back and forth. "There's got to be a way for me to stop this!"

"Zim it can't be stopped. Irkens can't stop a bonding process once it's started," Skoodge said. "Our scientists have been working on it for thousands of years. It's impossible."

"Impossible? Nothing is impossible for Zim!" Zim protested.

"Except having a decent conversation where you actually **listen **to somebody for a change," The Computer remarked.

"Shut your non-face hole Computer!" Zim pointed. "Think! Think! Think! There's got to be a way to stop this!"

"You can't! No Irken can stop this," Skoodge said. "Then again you said this Dib wasn't an Irken so maybe it might be possible if he's not an Irken for him to break it."

"Skoodge! I'm trying to…Wait…Dib isn't an Irken! Maybe I can't break it but maybe **Dib** can?" Zim had an idea. "Okay I've got a plan…"

"Didn't I just **say**…?" Skoodge asked the computer.

"That's as close as you are ever going to get with **him** listening," The Computer sighed. "Trust me on this."

A few hours later…

"Zim how long are you just going to stare out the window?" Skoodge asked. He and Gir were on the couch watching TV.

"Until the Dib arrives and I can unleash my brilliant plan!" Zim snapped. He folded his arms. "That is if he **ever **gets here!"

"Oooh! Celebrity Circus Acts are on!" Gir pointed to the TV.

"I like that show," Skoodge grinned.

"Where **is** he? What is going on? Dib never misses a chance to spy on my base!" Zim paced back and forth. "This isn't working. I'm going to have to go over to his house."

"Ooh! That star that just got out of rehab is walking a flaming tightrope over a group of lions and angry monkeys without a net!" Gir pointed.

"Oh you are going to get it Dib!" Zim put his disguise on. "I'll teach you to stay at home and mind your own business!"

"Look the lady fell off the tightrope onto the kitties!" Gir pointed. "Guess she's on the sauce again."

"You think knowing you have to do a stunt like that would motivate you not to drink," Skoodge remarked.

"That's it! Prepare yourself Dib for the destruction of our bond! Which Zim definitely does not want!" Zim stormed out the door.

"Whoo hoo! Monkey bit her on the butt!" Gir laughed as he and Skoodge ignored Zim and watched TV. "Monkey bit her on the butt!"

"That's going to cost a few points," Skoodge winced.

Several minutes later…

"Open up! Open up Dib! I know you are in there!" Zim pounded on the door. "HEY! HEY! HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!"

Gaz opened the door and glared at Zim. "Gaz! Tell your stupid brother to come out here and face me like an Invader!" Zim ordered.

"Dib's been grounded. He can't leave the house," Gaz said. "So go away Zim!" She slammed the door in his face.

"WHAT? YOU DARE TRY TO KEEP ME FROM MY ENEMY! AGGGGKKHHH!" Zim felt himself getting shocked again. He thought for a minute. "Ha! The Dib is in his room! How do I know that? Oh right…The Bonding. Okay since the Dib will not come to Zim, Zim will come to the **Dib**!"

Zim found Dib in his room. "Zim! I thought felt you in here!" Dib shouted.

"Yes! And now you have fallen victim to my latest plot! Muah ha ha ha!" Zim cackled.

"What plot?" Dib asked.

"Haven't you noticed you've been seeing flashes of my life? Knowing I'm near and all that other stuff?" Zim asked.

"Now that you mention it, that has been happening a lot lately," Dib frowned. "Wait! Are you behind it?"

"Correct Dib! This is just phase one of my brilliant plan to take over your mind! Muah ha ha ha!" Zim sold it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dib screamed in horror.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!" Zim cackled. "Soon your every thought and feeling will be my whim!"

"That's just plain evil," Dib said.

"Yes, well that's the point. With my Mind Control Discombobulating Mental Block Technology I will turn your mind into cottage cheese and make you my zombie slave!" Zim cackled.

"No! I don't want my brain turned into cottage cheese!" Dib grabbed his head. "And I certainly don't want to be your zombie slave!"

"Too bad! The power of my Discomtromputor Brain Control Block Technology is mighty! Might for ZIM!" Zim cackled.

"You mean Mind Control Discombobulating Mental Block Technology," Dib blinked.

"Uh I'll use that too!" Zim said. "Foolish little Dib, only the strongest minds in the universe can break free of the control of the Mental Discomboblator Block."

"Wait a second, you just called it **three different things**! Which is it?" Dib snapped. "A Mental Discomboblator Block? A Mind Control Discombobulating Mental Block or a…What was the second one?"

"I forgot," Zim blinked. "Look the point is I have mind control technology and I'm gonna use it to take over your filthy human brain! Unless of course you have the will and inner strength to overcome it. But I doubt you have that so…"

"Oh yes I do!" Dib yelled. "I have the strength to fight you Zim! Any time! Any place! You will not win! You won't make a slave out of me!"

"Ha! You can't resist my mind control but try! I mean seriously it will amuse me for you to try very, very hard!" Zim gritted his teeth. "I **dare **you to try it! Maybe you will break the mind control? I don't know. Who's to say? **Try it!"**

"Wait…It sounds like you **want **me to break your mind control?" Dib blinked.

"Yes! I mean no! I only want you to try because it will **amuse** me!" Zim thought fast. "Yes! It will amuse Zim for you to try and escape your cottage cheesy fate! Muah ha ha!"

"You'll never get away with this Zim!" Dib yelled as Zim leapt out the window.

"Okay this will work perfectly," Zim rubbed his hands as he walked away, ignoring Dib's ranting. "Dib **lives** to wreck my plans! He won't **resist** this one! He will wreck this one, if he thinks that the bonding is a plan! Even if it isn't a plan but he doesn't know that which means my plan will work and the bonding will be broken and everything in my normal Irken body will go back to normal and YEOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Dib had stuck his head out the window and the shock collar had given him a very nasty jolt. "ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!"

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBB!" Zim screamed in pain.

Gaz was watching Zim spinning around on the sidewalk outside her window. "I didn't think it was even possible for Zim to get weirder than Dib." She shrugged and went to play her game on her bed.

"GAZ!" Dib burst in. "I NEED HELP!"

"Truer words were never spoken," Gaz sighed still playing her game.

"I'm in trouble Gaz! Real trouble!" Dib went on. "Zim is trying to get me out of the way! He's trying to take over my mind and…Are you even **listening** to me?"

"Yeah, Zim, evil plan…fate of the world, yada, yada, yada…" Gaz kept playing. "Got it."

"Not the fate of the world this time! Although that's probably Zim's **next step!"** Dib yelled. "He wants to take over my brain Gaz! He's trying to take over **my brain!"**

Gaz put her game on pause for a second. "Zim wants to take over **your** brain?" She asked.

"Yes!"

"**Your** brain?"

"YES!"

"Huh…" Gaz blinked. "Odd. If I were him I'd try to take over something that actually **worked.**" She went back to playing her game.

"Gaz! This is **serious!** I've got to do something before Zim turns my brains into mush!" Dib yelled.

"Too late…" Gaz groaned as she went back to her game.

"Gaz I need your help!"

"You need **help** all right. But not from me. I don't have the right psychology degrees for that."

"Gaz! I'm your brother! I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!" Dib got on his knees and begged.

"Dib normally this is the point where I threaten to beat you up and say that you have a stupid annoying voice and I would but to be honest this game is kind of lame," Gaz kept playing. "I think playing while you're screaming is the only challenge I'm getting."

"Ga-az!"

"No, this game is still pretty easy. Hang on…" She looked out the window. "Oh look Zim's out there waiting to ambush you."

"HE IS! WHERE?" Dib went to look. He stuck his head out the open window and was violently shocked. "AAAGGGGHHHHHKAAAHAKAAAAA!"

"Man that never gets old," Gaz snickered. She put the game down. "A lot more fun than my game."

"YEOWWWWAAGGGGKK! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!" Zim's cry was heard down the street.

"Oh no! I just had a flash of Zim being in pain! Normally I would enjoy that but…" Dib got up. He started to panic. "IT MUST BE A SYMPTOM OF THE BRAIN SCRAMBLING THINGY! NOOOOOOOOOOO! I'VE GOT TO FIND SOME WAY TO STOP HIM! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" YOU WON'T TURN MY BRAIN INTO COTTAGE CHEESE ZIM! YOU HEAR ME? I WON'T BE YOUR ZOMBIE SLAVE!"

"Why do I have a very bad feeling that no matter how hard I try to stay out of this, I'm going to get **involved**?" Gaz sighed as Dib ran out of the room. "And I have an even **worse** feeling that some kind of stupid catastrophe is on the way."

"YEAOWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Oh well. At least I get to watch Dib be in agonizing pain," Gaz smirked.

"YEAAWOWOOOEEEE!"

"And for some reason Zim is in a lot of pain," Gaz realized as she looked out the window. "No…My instincts are telling me that this is very bad. I have a feeling in my gut that Dib and Zim are pulling me and everyone else around them into a catastrophic nightmare which few will come out unscathed."

"YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! DIB YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BREAK THE STUPID BONDING! I MEAN, TRY **HARDER** YOU WEAK LITTLE EARTH MONKEY! TRY HARDER!"

"So what else is new?" Gaz chuckled.


	4. Return of the Resisty

**Return of the Resisty**

While things on Earth were going along at their normal catastrophic pace, things were changing even more drastically in the Irken Empire.

"Oh no! I can't **believe** this!" Purple yelled at the top of his lungs. "We're out of donuts!"

"Again? Didn't we get a machine or something to make more?" Red grumbled as the Tallest lounged about in their palace. They were both reclining on a luxurous purple and red couch surrounded by snacks and fawning attendants. Computers and fancy screens adorned the marble like walls of the palace and there were sculptures of Red and Purple everywhere.

"We did but it's broken again," Purple groaned. "And the repairmen say that they have to work on our pretzel machines first."

"Lazy little…" Red grumbled. "Why don't you eat some candy bars?"

"My snack machine's broken again," Purple moaned.

"Well then have some chips! Or pretzels! Or any other crap that's on this table! Do I have to think of **everything**?" Red snapped as he pointed to the table with snacks on it. "I swear you're getting just as lazy as those idiot Shorties we boss around all day!" He leaned back in his comfy couch and sighed. "Ugh it's so hard being the smart one!"

"You're not the smart one," Purple frowned.

"Well I'm sure as Hell not the** stupid l****azy one**!" Red snapped.

"My Tallest! We have an urgent message from Splortch from Planet Bloom!" An Irken attendant ran in before Purple could make a comment.

"What does that little suck up want **now?**" Purple groaned. "Can't it wait?"

"It's a Priority Plaid message my Tall One," The Attendant bowed politely. "I think you'd better check it out."

"Oh fine, bring the transmission in here," Red waved to a huge screen. "I swear if it isn't one thing it's another."

"Yeah it's such a burden being tall and magnificent," Purple munched on some chips. "What's a Priority Plaid message anyway?"

"It's code for something," Red thought. "Can't remember what. Oh well. At least Splortch is somewhat tall so it has to be at least kind of important."

The transmission went on. There was the huge headed Irken Invader, looking battered and bloody. There was a destroyed SIR unit in the background and smoke in the air. "My Tallest! Help me! I've lost control! It happened so fast! One minute I was reviewing the progress made by my native slaves and the next thing I knew they were shooting lasers at me! **Lasers!** My SIR unit is destroyed and And there's these ships that just came out of nowhere and started shooting at everything and oh the horror! The horror! Help me my Tallest! **Help me!"**

There was a series of very loud knocks and banging to be heard. "Oh no! They're coming for me! I have nowhere to run! Help me my Tallest! Help me!" Splortch screamed as alien tears leaked from his eyes. "I'M SO SCARED!"

There was a crash and suddenly Splortch was surrounded by several angry pink round looking aliens carrying guns and several sharp pointy objects. "Your reign of tyranny is at an end, Irken!" A pink alien screamed in a high voice.

"AAAAAHHH!" Splortch screamed as he was fatally shot, stabbed and set on fire by the aliens. Then the screen went blank.

The Tallest were horrified. "I just remembered what Priority Plaid meant…" Red gulped. "It means **an uprising of a conquered planet!**"

"A **successful** uprising of a conquered planet," Purple gulped.

"To be fair we haven't had one of those in over three hundred years," Red said. "I mean no wonder I forgot what that meant!"

"My Tallest! We have another Priority Plaid transmission coming in!" Another Irken said as he ran in. "Planet Vort has rebelled!"

"Vort? That's one of our greatest scientific laboratory planets! It's the planet we conquered to keep all their scientific advancements for ourselves!" Purple gasped.

"Apparently my Tallest they kept a few of their greatest weapons a secret and used them to take back control of their planet," The Second Irken said. "And they uh…Secretly sabotaged some of the weapons they gave us."

"How?" Red asked.

"Well for one thing those guidance systems they installed in some of our most powerful battle cruisers don't work very well," The Second Irken said. "We had an entire squadron crash into a sun."

"Oh…" Red blinked. "But Vort has some of our strongest, toughest soldiers guarding that planet! How could those weak little short horn heads defeat them?"

"Well uh…The weapons of the guards and soldiers on Vort were made by Vortian Slaves," The Second Irken continued. "Who apparently programmed them to self destruct when a certain frequency was sent out. And the scientists hit some button that sent a frequency all over the planet…"

"I get the picture," Red groaned.

"I take it there's a lot of casualties on our side?" Purple blinked.

"Yes. Very messy casualties my Tallest," The Second Irken sighed. "They also put the same program in a lot of tanks and death bots."

"I see…" Red sighed.

"Quite a few space ships too," The Second Irken kept talking. "Plasma cannons. A few handheld weapons. Some computers in the command offices. Snuck them into a few barracks and put them in a few music systems. You know how some of the troops really like to get down and boogie."

"Yes I get the picture here!" Red snapped. "So what you're telling me is basically nearly all our troops on Vort are dead?"

"Dead or severely maimed, yes…" The Second Irken sighed. "Except for a few high level commanders and scientists. They're being held hostage. Or the Vortians are just waiting until they build a gallows. From what we've heard on the transmissions they're a bit undecided. But they are definitely torturing them for information. Or revenge. Or both."

"Well that's just…Great," Red groaned. "Call the fleet and…"

"My Tallest!" A third Irken ran in. "We have another Priority Plaid Message!"

"**Another** one?" Red gasped. "From **where?**"

"Planet Plupen my Tallest."

"Plupen? How can there be an uprising on _Plupen?_" Purple asked. "There's no indigenous life forms on that planet!"

The transmission came on screen. "HEEEEEEEELLLPP!" An Invader was being tossed around by clouds of tiny black insects.

"Oh wait I guess there **are** life forms there," Purple blinked. "They must have been a bit too small to notice."

CRACK! SMASH!

"Ooh that has got to hurt," Red winced.

"I don't want to clean up **that** mess," Purple agreed. "Shut it off! Shut it off!"

"My Tallest! We've just gotten **another **Priority Plaid transmission!" One of the Irken technicians got a message. "This one is from Planet Oatfood."

"Oatfood? Are you **sure?**" Red asked.

"Oatfood is a farming planet! It's one of the most peaceful planets in our empire," Purple said. "In fact they were so peaceful they asked us nicely to be part of our empire. We didn't even need to invade it! We just send someone moderately tall down there every couple of decades to keep things running smoothly and make sure the crops go to Foodcourtia!"

The images that came next on the screen told a very different story. "Apparently it's not so peaceful anymore," Red winced. "I never thought of using a sheep like **that!"**

"Wait where did they get those lasers? Lasers are outlawed on that planet!" Purple shouted. "Where did they get them? And why are they rebelling?"

"Well they were complaining about the higher taxes," Red said. "I guess they meant it."

"Yeah that's usually how these things start," Purple agreed.

"My Tallest! We just got a transmission from the Planet Conventia!" Another Irken ran in. "The Convention Planet!"

"Don't tell me it's **another** Priority Plaid?" Red asked.

"Worse…" The Irken panted. "They…won't renew our lease! And your private box…Has been **sold!**"

"The one with the private fridge, personal bathrooms and the massage chair?" Purple asked.

"The very one, my Tallest."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Purple screamed. "WHY? **WHY?"**

"Details are sketchy," The Irken told them. "Something about missing a couple payments and someone else bought out the rights to that planet."

"Who?" Red snapped.

"The Meekrob," The Irken explained.

"Meekrob? Wait, didn't we send someone to a planet called Meekrob?" Red asked. "Invader Tenn! Call her!"

"Uh Sir, she's calling **us!**" An Irken said. "Priority Plaid."

"Of course it is," Red sighed. "Put it through…"

"HELP! HELP! I NEED HELP! AAAAHHHHH!" Invader Tenn screamed at the top of her lungs on the screen.

"Invader Tenn! Report on the situation on Meekrob!" Red called out.

"You want to know about the situation on Meekrob? I'll **tell** you the situation on Meekrob!" Tenn shouted. "The Meekrob saw me coming a mile away! I **tried** to blend in but it was impossible! They just…They just saw right through my disguise!"

"They saw through **your** disguise?" Red gasped. "But you were the best cadet in disguise and infiltration classes we had!"

"I know! But they have all this advanced stuff that made it impossible for me to blend in!" Tenn yelled. "I've been running ever since I got on this insane planet! Hunted night and day! I even called in Invader Krum and his armada to help me!"

"Oh yeah how is Krum?" Purple asked. "I haven't heard from him in a while."

"That's because he's **dead**! They're all dead!" Tenn sobbed. "The Meekrob blew his armada out of the stars!"

"Ooh sorry," Purple winced.

"Are you **kidding **me?" Red shouted. "That guy owed me money!"

"I don't have much time! I don't dare stay in one place!" Tenn gulped. "They…AAAAHHH!" Suddenly she was carried away by an unseen force.

"Tenn? Tenn! Where are you? What happened?" Purple shouted.

"She is our prisoner…" A voice said.

"Who said that?" Purple looked around.

"I did," An unseen individual spoke.

"I who? State your name!" Red said. "Are you on screen or…?"

A glowing light emerged in the room. "I am the Ambassador for the Meekrob," The being said. "We are a race of pure energy and light."

"Pure energy and light? No wonder Tenn couldn't blend in," Purple blinked.

"Normally we on Meekrob do not bother ourselves with the concerns and problems of those that wear flesh and are not evolved enough to survive on pure thought," The Meekrob ambassador spoke. Red kept trying to put his hand on the light to see if anyone was there. "But since you have repeatedly tried to enslave our peaceful world we felt that we had no choice but to join the Resisty and…WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?"

"Sorry," Red scoffed.

"That's very rude you know?" The Meekrob Ambassador snorted. "Just because I don't have a physical body doesn't mean I don't need some **personal space**!"

"Uh you were saying about the Resisty?" Purple suggested. "I mean you're involved with those idiots?"

"We have guided the Resisty in reorganizing themselves and gained members on thousands of worlds," The Meekrob Ambassador spoke. "And we have chosen now to rise up against your oppression! If you wish to see your precious Invader Tenn again, you will agree to peace talks with a representative we choose!"

"Talks? Are you insane?" Red scoffed. "The Tallest do not negotiate with **terrorists**!"

"You invade and enslave thousands of different worlds and you call **us** terrorists?" The Meekrob snapped.

"That's right! And we're not going to open any negotiations with **you**!" Red pointed his finger. "Tenn may be valuable. She may be one of the best invaders we have but she's still expendable! And the Irken Empire is mighty and filled with millions of…"

"Tallest! We just received about fifteen more Priority Plaid messages!" An Irken ran into the room screaming.

"My Tallest! Several of our ships have been destroyed by some other ships with really big lasers!" Another Irken shouted. "REALLY BIG ONES!"

"Six more Priority Plaid messages!" Several more Irkens shouted as they skittered in.

"There's been a slave rebellion on Planet Flert! Our armies have been routed! Something about exploding weapons!"

"There's a fire on Planet Fluke! A **big** fire!"

"Five more Priority Plaid messages!"

"Invader Ai is missing! Her SIR unit reported that she was dragged away by the inhabitants of Planet Kooloia towards some very sharp looking rocks!"

"Two more Priority Plaid messages!"

"Invader Hekl's ship was just blown up!"

"Three more Priority Plaid messages! No make that **seven!**"

"Invader Flobee has been driven away from his conquered planet! They were all throwing rocks at him! And since they're rock monsters you can imagine how painful the situation is!"

"Invader Skutch's ship is on fire!"

"Five more Priority Plaid messages!"

"Planet Twilla has rebelled! Invader Dool is dead! Apparently there was a whole bunch of vampire squirrels that he just couldn't get rid of!"

"My Tallest! A squadron of our ships just flew into an asteroid belt!"

"There's some guys with some debt collection agency saying that Irk owes certain organizations a lot of money! There really isn't such a thing as a 'leg breaking ray' is there?"

"My Tallest! The 112th fleet is in trouble! For some reason they ran out of fuel and are stuck in the middle of the Tobian System! They need a tow!"

"Invader Loo was eaten by a snake! A really **big** snake!"

"Sixteen more planets have rebelled against the empire! That's sixteen, count 'em…Sixteen more Priority Plaid messages!"

"Invader Hool just got blown up in his own voot cruiser! He was flying near Vort when for some reason it just blew up!"

"My Tallest! The 115th Fleet has been destroyed! Resisty ships came out of nowhere and ambushed them! And for some reason what few survivors were left ended up flying into a sun!"

"Planet Mik Mik Doo has rebelled! Our armies have been routed by fire breathing cows! Very large fire breathing cows!"

"Since when does that planet have fire breathing cows?"

"I dunno but according to General Filb they have them **now!"**

"My Tallest! Our doom bot factory on Planet Mechorobotica has been taken over. Apparently some idiot thought it would be a good idea to program the doom bots with artificial intelligence for an experiment. Now the doom bots don't want to blow up other planets anymore! They just want to blow us up! And they're doing a very good job of it!"

"General Flib has just been roasted alive by the fire breathing cows!"

"I've never heard of fire breathing cows."

"Well why don't **you** go down to Mik Mik Doo and check it out for **yourself **if you don't believe me?"

"Can't be any weirder than Vampire Squirrels."

"My Tallest, you remember all those bounty hunters we have on our payroll? They've kind of gone on strike. Actually they're striking our bases and stealing our stuff! Something about back payments being overdue."

"My Tallest, remember when I said that the 112th fleet needed a tow from the Tobian System? Never mind. A whole **fleet** of pirate ships got to them first."

"Our doom bot factory on Heki 11 has just been destroyed! Something about the doom bot's intelligence systems becoming faulty."

"My Tallest! Planet Greepia has revolted! You know the water planet? Apparently there was this huge tidal wave..."

"All the plasma cannons on Kakaraot 3 have exploded! The explosions destroyed the entire military base on that planet! We don't understand it! They worked fine on Planet Vort! Even brought in a few Vortian scientists to make sure they worked!"

"We lost the 45th fleet! Really. We lost them. Captain Milo took a wrong turn and ended up in some kind of wormhole and nobody's heard from them."

"TWENTY SEVEN MORE PRIORITY PLAID MESSAGES!"

Red made a face and looked at the ambassador. "Is tomorrow afternoon good for you?"

* * *

Not long after that…

"Got any threes?" Skoodge asked Gir. They were playing cards.

"Go Fish!" Gir remarked.

"Wait a minute, you **have** threes!" Skoodge pointed. "I can see them!"

"What's a three?" Gir scratched his head.

"AGGGH! This is insane! I still keep getting flashes of stupid Dib's life!" Zim paced back and forth. Then he jolted still for a second and yelled in pain. "And for some reason every now and then I feel like I'm being shocked! What is **up** with that?"

"I win!" Gir said cheerfully as he won the game.

"I can't believe I lost to a robot that can't even **count,**" Skoodge moaned as he folded his cards.

"Well Gir is advanced," Zim shrugged.

BLEEEP! BLEEEP! BLEEEP! BLEEEP!

"What's that?" Zim blinked.

"Official Invader Class personal communicator," Skoodge pointed to a device on his wrist. "Don't you have one?"

"Uh yeah," Zim never got one but he wouldn't admit it to Skoodge. "Of course I did! But **Gir** wrecked it!"

"Sorry…" Gir apologized.

"It's a Priority Plaid message," Skoodge said.

"Plaid. What the heck is Plaid?" Zim blinked.

"I dunno," Skoodge turned on the communicator. "But whatever it is it must be important."

"To all Invaders who hear this message," Red was on screen. "Irk is in crisis. Several planets have successfully revolted or currently revolting against our imperial rule! The Irken Empire is in danger! Repeat! The Irken Empire is in danger!"

"This is **impossible**!" Zim was stunned. "Planets revolting! Unthinkable!"

"I know what you are thinking," Red said. "This situation is unthinkable and impossible, but it's happening! The Resisty have risen up and are wrecking our empire! They've got Invader Tenn hostage on their ship! Therefore we are calling an emergency meeting at the Great Hall of Irk! This is bad fellow Invaders!"

"So bad we don't have time to make up a bunch of useless merchandising crap to sell!" Purple interjected.

"Wow, that is bad," Zim's eyes widened. Skoodge nodded in agreement.

"So get your butts over to Irk so we can figure a way out of this mess! Red out! This is a recording," Red said before the transmission.

"I always liked Invader Tenn," Skoodge frowned. "She was always nice to me."

"She was nice to everyone! Too **soft** to be a real invader," Zim scoffed. "Nevertheless she is an Irken warrior and must be helped."

"Yeah we gotta come up with a plan and…" Skoodge began.

"We? There is no **we!** There is only **Zim!** Zim shall find a way to rescue Tenn and show our enemies that the Irken Empire is not to be toyed with…like some **toy!**"

"Okay…" Skoodge blinked.

"I will slay our enemies! SLAY THEM!" Zim stood on top of the table and shook his fist. "And then I shall slay them AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN MUAH HA HA HA HA!"

"Then I'll make **cupcakes!"** Gir said cheerfully.

"YES! YES! CUPCAKES OF DOOM! OH SUCH CUPCAKES OF DOOM SHALL WE MAKE! MUHA HA HA HA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!" Zim was jolted violently and fell off the table. "CURSE YOU DIB!"

"Maybe we should go in separate ships?" The fatter Irken suggested.

"Uh…." Zim thought. "Okay."

One hour later….

"Oh yes, Zim goes off on another **fun adventure** while I get stuck here defending the base," Zim's computer sighed. "From nothing! I don't know why I put up with it! I really don't!"

"Squeeee?" Minimoose blinked. He had been left behind too.

"And worst of all…" The Computer noticed that there was a strange light floating in. "Hey! What's that twinkly light?"

A strange light floated in. "Oh! Hello little light! Have you come to keep me company? I never get any visitors!" The Computer said joyously. "In fact I…"

FLASSSHHHHH!

The computer was touched by the light and it's circuits flared. "Ooh I'm going to take a nap now…" And then the computer fizzed out.

"Squeak?" Minimoose was stunned. Until the light gently touched his forehead. Slightly zapping Minimoose who passed out.

Then there was a flash. Lard Nar stood there with a blue skinned alien with a tail in a white lab coat. "Is it **safe**?" Lard Nar looked around nervously.

"The Computer's programming and the guard beast are incapacitated," The Meekrob ambassador informed them. "And the Irkens are gone."

"Good, still this place gives me the creeps," Lard Nar shuddered. "Why did you insist on coming here Finn?"

"Look there has to be a reason why this **particular** planet has resisted invasion so far," Finn told his leader. "Even though it's rather primitive. I mean there's been a main Irken base and at least three or more Invaders showing up on this planet over the past two years."

"He has a point," The Meekrob Ambassador told Lard Nar. "Other than the Meekrob and the Voomerons and the Stranvar and the Mopikins, no other planet has thwarted an invasion. Oh wait there's also planet Spoodle but that's only because the planet itself was a sentient being and ate the invaders as soon as they landed."

"And the only reason we're able to fight them off now is because of two things," Finn said as he started to fiddle with Zim's computer. "The Meekrob's assistance and the fact that the Irken Empire has gotten really lazy."

"Yes! And we're taking advantage of that! So what are you looking for?" Lard Nar asked.

"I'm going to see if I can find out any information about this planet, namely why it has resisted invasion for so long," Finn explained.

"Good plan! I'm going to look for snacks!" Lard Nar looked around. "Oh for crying out loud! What a mess this dump is! You know for an invader this evil lair isn't very tidy!"

"Yeah it's not even worth blowing up, even if it does belong to an Irken Slime Stack," Finn grunted. "I mean seriously it looks like this technology is at the lower end of the Invader Class. Half this computer's systems are out of date and the AI is faulty. That could be why this planet hasn't been taken over yet."

"I think the main reason this planet has resisted invasion is that it's so remote," The Meekrob Ambassador thought aloud. "According to our sources it took this invader six months to find it."

"Yes, but that was also before the Irkens had their new advanced hyper drive systems. And it probably took them a while just flying around looking for this planet because there were no maps of this particular galaxy. I think I have something," Finn told Lard Nar and the Meekrob Ambassador. "Look at the information I have here."

There were hundreds of images of Zim fighting Dib. Dib spying on Zim. Detailed information about Dib. A list entitled 101 Reasons Dib Stinks! Another list called Dib's Weaknesses. And still another list called 101 More Reasons Dib Stinks. Finally a big post it saying: Did I Mention How Much I Hate Dib?

"I'm seeing a pattern here," Lard Nar blinked. "You know this Dib might be the one? The prophecy spoke of a great warrior that would one day destroy the Irken Empire and free the universe!"

"What prophecy?" Finn asked.

"The one I just made up!" Lard Nar snapped. "I've got it! We find this Dib, get him to join the Resisty and have him become our ambassador!"

"But what if the Irkens are unreasonable and he gets killed?" Finn asked.

"Well then it won't be one of **us** that gets killed now will it?" Lard Nar gave him a look. "Either way we win."

"Oh you have a point," Finn said. "Okay so let's find out where this Dib lives."

"According to this map he's just down the street around the block," Finn said.

"Well that's very convenient," The Meekrob Ambassador remarked.

And of course just down the street around the block…

"Coming in two days! Live! Mysterious Mysteries! Don't miss this special live broadcast in front of a **live** audience!" The TV announcer blared. "And today is our special Audience Participation Day! If you have proof of something weird or even a video of something weird we'll show it live to the **entire world!** Best video wins a T-Shirt! So come on down to the City Arena! Show us your video! It can't be too sick or too weird or too mysterious for us! Don't miss it! Your entire town is going! So should you, unless you're a **loser!**"

"AAGGGGH!" Dib cried out in frustration as he tried to figure out the code to get rid of his shock collar. Then the cry turned into a real painful yelp. He rolled around on his bed in his pajamas.

"Darn it! Dad must have upgraded the code system from last time! I've got to get to that show! It's my chance to warn the people of Earth about Zim and expose him for what he is! Not to mention be on TV on my favorite show! OWWWW!" Dib kept trying to get the shock collar off.

"Dib, your voice is starting to annoy me again!" Gaz called out. "SHUT UP!"

Just then a strange light floated into the room. "Greetings Dib. I am the Meekrob Ambassador!"

"Holy cow! An alien! Wait…You're not going to turn into a pair of shoes now are you?" Dib narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Huh?" The Meekrob Ambassador would have blinked if he had eyes.

"Oh no, you're not fooling me a second time **ZIM!**" Dib snarled. "I'm onto your little mind control game!"

"No I'm not Zim," The Meekrob Ambassador remarked.

"Nice try Zim, but you've done this trick before!" Dib cackled. "AAAGGHH!" He tried to tackle the alien but fell right through him off the bed.

WHAM!

Dib got up immediately. "So that's the way you want to play it Zim? Fine!"

"No, I'm not **Zim!"** The Meekrob Ambassador protested.

"Seriously, he's not!" Lard Nar, Finn and another alien came through window. "In fact we have a serious beef with the Irkens ourselves!"

"Who are **you?**" Dib asked.

"I'm Lard Nar! Leader of the Resisty! This is my head science officer Finn, the Meekrob Ambassador and that's uh, who are you again?" He looked at the third alien.

"I'm your brother in law, Oogle!" The aliens snapped.

"Sorry. I do have fifty seven sisters you know?" Lard Nar protested. "Which one are you married to?"

"Roka Nar Flenn, your head engineer?" Oogle folded his four arms.

"Oh right," Lard Nar nodded. "Anyway we're a resistance force made up of thousands of different worlds that have been conquered by or attacked by the evil Irken empire. And we need your help to fight them!"

"Hold on! Are you real or are you another trick Zim cooked up to get into my head and try and make me his mind slave?" Dib pointed at them. "You're just a trick aren't you! Well I'm not falling for that **again!**"

"No wait! We're real!" Finn protested as he tapped Dib's head. "Feel **that!** Real!"

"Yeah but Zim's technology also feels pretty real too," Dib frowned. "I'm gonna need more proof that you're not with Zim or at the very least not a hallucination caused by Zim."

"Fair enough," Lard Nar frowned. "We know how tricky and devious Irkens are. Uh…Meekrob Ambassador can you help us out here?"

"Well I suppose I could do a quick telepathic mind touch to verify our presence…" The Meekrob Ambassador touched Dib's forehead sending a telepathic probe. "How's that?"

"YIAKEGGGGGAGGGGHHHH!" Dib's eyes rolled back. Then he shook his head. "Wow! You're **real!**"

"Yup, we are!" Finn nodded.

"Sorry about doubting you, but Zim has really been screwing with my head lately," Dib apologized.

"It's no big deal," Lard Nar nodded. "The Irken Invaders use horrible tricks of deception to infiltrate our worlds and take them over!"

"Yeah well not Earth," Dib grunted. "So far I'm the only one who's seen right through Zim's tricks. That's why he's been after me and trying some mind control stuff. But I'm going to fight that jerk to the bitter end!"

"Mind control! Filthy Irken Slime!" Oogle snarled. "Is there nothing those freaks won't do in order to wreck people's lives?"

"Oh you have **no idea** what I've been through trying to protect the Earth!" Dib said as he waved his arms. "He's tried **everything** on me! He's humiliated me! He's sent robots after me! He's turned me into meat products! He's tried to go back in time to wreck my life! He's sent stupid nannites to control me! He's sent me into other dimensions! One of them had a **moose** in it!"

"Dear Lords of Light! That's **horrible!**" Lard Nar was stunned.

"What's a moose?" Oogle asked Finn.

"I dunno, but it must be bad," Finn shrugged.

"Once he even teamed up with this other Irken in order to kidnap the Earth and fill it with snacks so he could give it to his leaders!" Dib said. "He had to kind of get my help to thwart her because she kind of double crossed him and tried to take his job away."

"Good grief! Is **nothing sacred** to these monsters?" Lard Nar gasped.

"But I've fought them and defeated them again and again!" Dib said heroically.

"Dib! The Resisty needs you! We need a warrior like you to help get this Zim and defeat the Irken Empire! It's your destiny Dib! A billion helpless souls are crying out for justice and **freedom!** The universe needs to be **free!"**

"Okay…" Dib blinked. "You know you had me at get Zim right?"

"So you'll help us?" Finn asked.

"Yeah just one little thing," Dib pointed to his neck. "Could you get this shock collar off me?"

"Oh sure," The Meekrob Ambassador used his abilities to let the collar fall off Dib's neck. "Better?"

"Much," Dib rubbed his neck. "I tell you, it's nice to have someone believe me for a change."

"Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how much **damage** the Irkens have done to countless worlds?" Lard Nar grunted. "They've enslaved and wrecked so many worlds I've lost count! Why on Finn's planet they covered the entire world with flen nut butter!"

"So they could lick flen nut butter off the buildings and trees," Finn groaned. Then he screamed. "And my people are allergic to flen nuts!"

"Wow, that's bad," Dib blinked.

"Do you have any idea how big a rash an alien can get when he's covered with something he's allergic too?" Finn went on. "Big painful rashes! And it's really painful! And itchy! And your throat scratches and closes up and your tail grows a boil the size of…"

"We get the idea Finn," The Meekrob Ambassador interrupted. "They tried their tricks on the Meekrob but fortunately we are a highly advanced race. We captured one of their most powerful Invaders and are going to force the Irken Empire into negotiations."

"Or at the very least give us some snacks!" Lard Nar shouted.

Dib nodded. "Okay let me just get dressed and some supplies and I'm ready to go. If you want you can go wait in the kitchen."

"Do you have snacks?" Lard Nar asked.

"For once yeah," Dib nodded. "My Dad remembered to send some people to get food for us."

"To the kitchen!" Lard Nar posed dramatically.

"Oh boy…" The Meekrob Ambassador sighed.

A short while later Gaz went into her kitchen. She saw a group of aliens sitting around the table eating food. "Hey! Who or what the hell are you? And more importantly, who **said** you could eat **here**?" Gaz snapped.

"It's all right! The savior said it was okay!" Finn said as he chomped on a sandwich. "Hmmm, this is good!"

"I wouldn't know. Meekrobs don't eat," The Meekrob Ambassador remarked.

"Let me guess," Gaz said as she folded her arms. "You're all friends of Zim?"

"Friends? No human sister of the savior! We are the Resisty!" Lard Nar spoke dramatically.

"The Resisty? That's a stupid name," Gaz frowned.

"Well yes. But we didn't have time to think up a really good one," Lard Nar shrugged.

"I see…" Gaz said. "And this savior **is**…?"

"Why Dib of course," Lard Nar spoke. "I'm Lard Nar! Leader of the Resisty! That's Finn, Oogle and the Meekrob Ambassador."

"Hi! How you doin'?" Oogle waved one of his hands.

"My people don't have names because we're all part of one collective consciousness," The Meekrob Ambassador explained. "You know it gets kind of redundant when everyone has the same mind."

"Oh great," Gaz sighed. "This is going to be one of those weeks isn't it?"

"Hi Gaz!" Dib came out of his room fully dressed and shoving objects into a blue backpack. "I'm going off to save the universe! I should be back in a few days."

"Okay I'll bite…" Gaz gave an annoyed sigh. "**You're** going to save the universe?"

"Yes I am!" Dib said happily. "Oooh! I'm gonna need **crackers!** Good for quick energy!" He grabbed some from the cabinet.

"From **who?**" Gaz asked. "Even though I'm afraid I know the answer all too well."

"From Zim and the evil Irken Empire!" Lard Nar explained.

"I **knew **it," Gaz groaned. "I knew something stupid was going to happen this week!"

"I know this is hard to believe female human but Earth is one of the few half dozen planets that hasn't automatically fallen to the Irken Empire," Lard Nar explained.

"And I'm going to help them fight it!" Dib said excitedly.

"I see…" Gaz said. "Boy you guys really must be desperate."

"You have **no idea**…" The Meekrob Ambassador sighed.

"Hey! Now that the Meekrob have joined us we're a lot better!" Lard Nar protested. "You have to admit that most of our planets aren't used to fighting! Unlike Irkens we're not a warrior race."

"So the Irkens have a really big army huh?" Dib asked as he went around getting more supplies.

"Actually nearly all Irkens are in the military except of course the very young which are shoved into military school the minute they're hatched," Finn shrugged. "Oh and there is a doctor class and a mechanic class. And there are the ones that fail the academy and get reassigned to be lowly laborers but other than that…"

"Wait the entire society is geared towards war?" Dib asked. "No farmers or artists or…"

"Hello! They're **invaders**! They conquer so they don't have to do that stuff on their own!" Lard Nar snapped. "In addition to technological advances my people made beautiful works of art and sandwiches! We were happy creating…Until the Irkens invaded. Now all we do is make weapons, stupid statutes of their stupid Tallest and make the same three stupid kinds of sandwiches over and over again! Do you know how **stifling** that is to a sandwich artist like myself?"

"Boo hoo, cry me a river," Finn remarked. "Try sitting when your butt has swelled up to the size of a kleegle melon! And those things are pretty big let me tell you!"

"Now where is my miniature video camera?" Dib looked around. "And I'm going to need a blank disc. I'll get one from Dad's lab!" He skittered off. "I'm going to be a **savior!** Whoopee!"

"Lettuce sandwich, jelly and flen nut butter sandwich and donut sandwich!" Lard Nar moaned. "And you know what's **in** a donut sandwich? A donut on top of another donut on top of another donut! And we don't even get to make or eat the donuts! It's not fair! It's just not fair!"

"Neither is missing your relatives' anniversary party because you got drunk!" Oogle snapped. "Do you have any idea how pissed off my wife was?"

"Where's the artistry? Where's the craftsmanship?" Lard Nar howled.

"Where's our anniversary present? Or at least a freaking card!" Oogle yelled.

"I am so glad I am a Meekrob, above all these petty flesh delights…" The Meekrob ambassador sighed. "Although I do admit a donut sandwich is an appetizing idea…"

"I'm going back into my room and finish my game," Gaz grumbled as she went back to her room. "Flying Zombie Pigs make a lot more sense than **this!"**


	5. Hand Puppets of Doom

**Hand Puppets of Doom**

In the Great Meeting Hall of Irk Purple and Red were conducting a meeting among not only the Ikren elite but many warriors. (Well what _else_ would happen at the Great Meeting Hall of Irk? Tap dancing lessons?) And it was broadcast simultaneously to all Irken outposts.

What was left of them.

"What do you mean our license on Foodcourtia has been **revoked?**" Red yelled at an Irken representative. "Don't we **own** that planet?"

"No sir, we only rented it," The Irken sighed. "There's a lot of stuff about health code violations and something about a grease fire that got out of control. Apparently Sizz-Lorr hasn't been paying attention to his duties lately."

"Well at least it's one thing we can't blame on Zim," Purple shrugged.

"Uh…." The Irken Representative scratched his head.

"Don't tell me, let me guess…" Red sighed. "Because Zim escaped twice from Foodcourtia and broke Sizz-Lorr's perfect record he had some kind of breakdown? Am I right?"

"Well that's the name Sizz-Lorr kept saying as he took his big laser blaster and started shooting up all the other restaurants," The Irken Representative read the report.

"Yeah that's what I figured," Red scratched his head. "Look it's not like someone hasn't gone crazy and shot up a bunch of people before on that planet! Just pay off the Foodcourtia Board of Health and Sanitation and get our license back!"

"Can't my Tallest! We're broke! The Treasury of Irk is depleted!" An aide spoke.

"So? Just use the money in the secret account," Red said.

"Uh that money is gone too, my Tallest," An aide said.

"So use the money in the secret, secret account!" Purple was exasperated.

"That's gone too. As well as the money in all the other secret accounts!" The aide said. "Including the emergency statue fund. That's tapped dry!"

"So you're saying we're broke? How did **that** happen?" Purple yelled.

"For starters there's the rising cost of Operation Impending Doom II, including the making of and creation of brand new ships, weapons systems, maps, guidance systems, that donut making machine you installed in the Massive…" Another aide spoke. "The potato chip buffet line you installed in the Massive. Those new silk cushions for your new couch in your personal quarters. The fifty six solid platinum statues of yourselves in your palaces. The ice cream maker and sundae bar you have in your personal quarters…"

"Yes, yes…Don't need to go into details here," Red interrupted. "The bottom line is we can't buy Foodcourtia so we have to take it back by force! Fine! That's **another** planet we have to retake! Add it to the list!"

"That list is getting longer by the hour!" Purple moaned. "I don't understand it! Operation Impending Doom II was going so well! We conquered so many worlds! How could it start failing on us now?"

"My Tallest I'm afraid a small part of the problem is that we never were able to revive the Control Brains," An Irken advisor said respectfully.

"There was nothing to revive! Zim blew them up with his insanity!" Purple groaned.

"Blew them up? The Control Brains are **gone**?" Another female Irken with pink eyes that was somewhat tall gasped. (Of course not as tall as either Red or Purple) "How did **that** happen?"

"Oh that's right Invader Deegee you weren't here when that disaster occurred," Purple remembered. "And since you were off exploring the Theta Quadrant for more planets to conquer and under orders for communications silence you don't know what happened."

"Well I'm back now! What **did** happen?" Invader Deegee shouted.

"We put Zim on trial so he could be deactivated and his PAK shut down," Red sighed. "But not even one minute into the process of his termination his insanity and memories overloaded the Control Brains as they absorbed his information collected in his PAK database."

"Overloaded?" Invader Deegee gasped.

"Blew them up completely…" Purple moaned. "There's still brain splatter on the ceiling we just can't get at."

"Apparently Zim's ego also affected the Control Brains because the last words they said was that Zim was the greatest most amazing Irken that ever lived," Red groaned. "And it gave Zim full control of the Massive for five minutes. I don't want to tell you what happened during those five minutes. To this day it's too horrible for me to remember!"

"I **still** have nightmares about it," Purple shuddered. "Anyway all the Control Brains were all blown up into tiny little pieces."

"Yeah bringing all the Control Brains from the six main planets of the Empire together for the trial may not have been one of our best ideas," Red groaned. "But we just wanted to get rid of Zim so badly! We didn't want to take any chances!"

"So no Control Brains means that many of the functions of the empire can't be monitored telepathically and electronically anymore," Invader Deegee realized.

"Well that explains why the payments to Foodcourtia were overdue," The Irken Representative looked at his files. "That's **another **reason why we're being kicked out."

"And it also explains why my requests for backup went unnoticed!" Another Invader with his head bandaged and his arm in a cast. "The planet I took over revolted and took it back!"

"Same thing happened to my planet," Another bandaged Invader nodded.

"Mine too," A third bandaged Invader groaned. "And Invader Tok's."

"Where is Tok?" Purple looked around.

"Let's just say he couldn't be here because of a slight case of **death**," The third Invader gave him a look. "Actually it's more of a case of a very large mob and some very sharp sticks."

"Eww…" Purple winced. "We really should have gotten some new Control Brains."

"We couldn't afford them **and** the new ten foot tall donut machine in the center of Tallest Manor!" Red snapped. "Besides the Control Brains were always telling us what to do! We don't need them! I mean stuff like this was bound to happen sooner or later! There's always a few planets that will temporarily slip out of our grasp when changes in leadership happen. This is the Irken Empire! We have the freaking largest empire the universe has ever seen! So one or two planets get out of hand for a little bit? We can get them back and some new ones! Out of the 2,150,687 planets we've conquered in the past three hundred thousand years how many do we have left?"

"Not counting Foodcourtia…Thirty eight," An Invader tallied up the number. "So if you do count it…Thirty seven."

"Thirty…seven?" Red's eye twitched. "HOW THE HELL DID **THAT** HAPPEN?"

"Well like you said sir, when the Control Brains were destroyed all those orders for backup on those other planets and requests for new weapons went unheeded," The Invader Accountant gulped. "A lot of people on a lot of planets took advantage of that."

"And because we had no clue what was going on we didn't send any new invaders and warriors to help keep the order on those planets," Red realized. "We used all new recruits to help us invade new planets while our control on the old ones slipped away."

"And then all our enemies decided it might not be a bad idea to band together and fight us!" Purple finished. "Oh this is not good…"

"The past couple of months the Resisty has been growing like wild weeds on Bandicoot!" Another Invader nodded. "Which by the way took back the planet from us too. Who knew there was such a thing as sentient weeds?"

"But the Resisty actually being a force against us? Seriously? Those guys? Those losers couldn't even steal our **snacks** a year ago!" Purple threw up his hands.

"Well there's a lot more of them now than there were a few years ago," An Invader spoke. "Let's face it. We have a lot of enemies."

"Enemies? Like **who?**" Purple snapped.

"The Vortians, who were once our allies until we betrayed them and conquered them," Red gave Purple a look. "The Lugars who we cheated and stole their planet and forced them into slavery shipping packages for us. The Leonoids whose planet we blew up when we couldn't enslave them. The Micamacs, when we mined so much of their planet's minerals we destroyed their planet. The Sklarr, aliens in complete harmony with nature whose planet we turned into a mini mall. The Okobos who just don't like anybody frankly. That's why we used their planet for target practice. There's over **two million** different species the Irken Empire has either conquered, decimated or just plain annoyed. Pick **one!**"

"Oh **those** guys," Purple's antennae drooped.

"The fact that the Meekrob have joined the Resisty hasn't hurt them either," Another Invader said. "I mean. They're a race of pure energy with technological advances far beyond those of normal science. Kind of hard to beat an edge like that."

"Since when are the Meekrob **that **powerful?" Purple asked.

"Since five thousand years ago," Another Invader said.

"We really should have done more research before we started invading some of these planets," Purple groaned.

"The problem is that the Meekrob and the Resisty now have Invader Tenn," Red groaned. "Normally that wouldn't be a problem. I mean let's face it, most of you invaders are expendable. But Tenn is different. Not only is she one of the highest ranking Invaders Irk has ever had, she knows a lot of top secret stuff about our defenses and the inner workings of the empire."

"And she's the only one who knows how to operate the donut machines and can fix our snack vending machines when they get out of whack!" Purple cried. "The one in our office hasn't given out any snacks for a week! They're all stuck in there and we try to push on it and hit it and…"

"They get the **point,**" Red snapped as he interrupted. "Okay first we'll take care of Tenn then we'll…"

THUD!

A door slammed open. "Fear not my Tallest! Zim has **returned!**" Zim strode proudly to the center of the room.

"Oh look all our problems are over," Purple said sarcastically. "**Zim** is here!"

"Oh no! What's **he** doing here? I thought he was banished? Who let **this guy** in? We're doomed!" The Invaders muttered to themselves as Zim strode in with Gir behind him.

"Hi! Hi there! How ya doin'?" Gir waved to the Invaders who looked at him with cold eyes. "Geeze, tough crowd!"

"What are you doing here, Zim?" Red moaned. "Besides screwing up the situation **even more** than we need it screwed up?"

"My Tallest! I heard about the Empire's plight and the terrible circumstances of the capture of Invader Tenn!" Zim knelt. "I have come to help!"

"Of course you have," Red grumbled. "How the flork did you know about it anyway?"

"Why you sent a message to all available Invaders to come here!" Zim blinked. "I uh, had some time to kill before I finished conquering my planet so…"

"We didn't send that message to you!" Red interrupted.

"You sent it to Skoodge and I heard it," Zim said as he stood up. "He was staying at my base. Uh you do know he never really conquered Blorch right? He just said he did so he could get out of being mauled by giant rats."

"Skoodge…I should have known," Red snarled. "If it's not Zim screwing up it's Skoodge!"

"Fear not my Tallest! For I have devised a cunning plan to rescue Tenn and bring glory back to the Empire!" Zim said.

"That won't be necessary Zim," Red said. "The Resisty and the Meekrob said they're sending down a representative to negotiate terms to return Tenn to us."

"You're _negotiating_ with terrorist scum?" Zim shouted. "But we are invaders! We don't **negotiate!** We invade and **destroy **our enemies!"

"I don't like it either but considering the circumstances we have little choice," Red folded his arms. "Thanks to **you **and the Resisty our once mighty empire has dwindled down to 37 planets."

"Thirty Six planets, my Tallest," The Invader Accountant corrected. "Since Blorch was never really conquered in the first place."

"Fine, 36 planets," Red went on. "As I was saying…"

"Uh sir hold on a second," An Irken wearing a communicator helmet interrupted. "Where's Invader Ool?"

"Right here!" A large Invader raised his hand.

"Yeah Ool, you left your secret lair's front door open," The Communicator Irken spoke up. "You're SIR Unit called and said that your lair is under attack from the planet Pingo's resistance and…"

There was the sound of an explosion so loud it could be heard from the Communicator's helmet. "Never mind. Make that **thirty five** planets!"

"Oops, my bad," Ool gulped.

"Remind me to kill you later Ool," Red snarled. "Zim even **you **can figure out we're having problems here so there's no need for you to stay here and make them worse!"

"The mighty Irken Empire decimated? Impossible! How can this be? What of our grand armadas?" Zim asked. "What of the Ultimate Armada Irk which contains ten thousand warships and a million of our fiercest fighters?"

"Yeah what **about** that?" Purple realized.

"Uh I have an answer for that Sir," Another bandaged Irken raised his hand. "Remember how you sent the Ultimate Armada Irk last week to Sector G-R-8675309? You wanted to see if there were any planets there to take over?"

"Yeah?" Red raised an antennae.

"There weren't any planets there," The Irken sighed. "But there was a very, very big black hole."

"Oh no…" Red slapped his head. "You don't mean…?"

"Yup, I barely escaped myself and just got here an hour ago," The Irken said.

"So half of our fleet is **gone?**" Purple yelled.

"Pretty much," The Irken shrugged.

"Boy we really need to work on our Intelligence Department," Purple blinked.

"That was **also** under the control of the Control Brains!" Red snapped.

"Man those things did a lot didn't they?" Purple realized.

"Why do I get the feeling Zim's not the **only** one wrecking the Irken Empire?" One Invader in the back of the crowd whispered to another.

"Hold on we're getting a hail signal," Red looked at his computer. "It's the Resisty. Put it on the monitor."

"Is that a Vortian ship?" Purple gasped when they saw the giant ship.

"It's a **big **Vortian ship," Red gasped.

"Wait a minute…Those guys had **another** one?" Purple yelled. "How could we miss a ship that big?"

"I knew we should have been paying closer attention to those Resisty maniacs!" Red groaned. "Instead of spending all our time at the puppet shows!"

"Don't start knocking the puppet shows!" Purple put his hands on his hips.

An Irken technician reported. "The Resisty are beaming down their representative right now."

"Wait! I sense something!" Zim felt a familiar shudder. "He is here…"

"Didn't the Tallest just **say** that?" An Irken asked another.

"Crazy," The other Irken made a swirling motion by his head with his finger.

The Resisty came up on the monitor. Lard Nar addressed the Irkens. "Irken Invaders, we bring you our representative! He is one of our most noble and brilliant warriors! I bring you…Dib!"

Dib materialized in front of the Tallest next to Zim. "YOU!" Zim snarled.

"Yeah me! Surprised to see me, **Zim?" **Dib sneered.

"Hi Dib!" Gir waved.

"Hi Gir," Dib sighed.

"Who **is** this?" Red shouted. He raised an antennae. "And **what** is he?"

"Looks like some kind of pasty…ape like smeet," Purple blinked. "With a very, very big head…"

"That is a big head," Red blinked.

"Greetings Evil Irken Empire," Dib said boldly. "I am Dib! I'm a human from the Planet Earth! Hunter of Aliens and Investigator of the Paranormal! And I'm here to negotiate terms for the return of your invader. Term number one, DON'T INVADE THE EARTH! And stop doing….bad stuff to it."

"Irrrth? Never heard of it," Red blinked as he slightly mispronounced the name. "Is there an Irrth in any of our records of planets we have or lost?"

"Uh I don't think so," The Irken Accountant looked at his records. "How do you spell it? I-R…?"

"**E**-A-R-T-H!" Dib snapped. "Earth! You know, the planet you've been trying to take over for nearly two years?"

"We **have**?" Purple blinked. "Dib you are going to have to be a bit more specific. We've been taking over a lot of planets."

"Earth is my planet my Tallest," Zim explained.

"No, it's not!" Dib shouted. "Earth is **my planet** that you invaded!"

"Why am I not shocked that this has something to do with **you,** Zim?" Red asked sarcastically. "Of course, wherever disaster goes…There's Zim!"

"So you and Zim know each other?" Purple asked.

"Yes! Zim has been trying to take over my world but I have thwarted him every step of the way!" Dib said proudly.

"No, you haven't!" Zim snapped.

"Yes, I have!" Dib shouted.

"Nuh huh!" Zim shouted.

"Uh huh!" Dib yelled.

"Nuh huh" Zim shouted.

"Uh huh!" Dib yelled back.

"No way!" Zim shouted.

"Yes way!" Dib yelled.

"Wait a second. I remember this big headed one now," Red realized. "Remember that time we called Zim and this annoying nut kept asking us questions and danced around with Zim's robot?"

"Oh yeah, you're right," Purple blinked. "Then Zim came in and they ran around screaming and caused some destruction. How could we forget that?"

"To be fair I try to block out any memory I have of when we contact Zim," Red moaned.

"No way!" Zim shouted.

"Yes way!" Dib yelled back. "Alien jerk!"

"I know you are but what am I?" Zim quipped.

"Can't say I blame you," Purple sighed.

"Alien jerk!" Dib repeated.

"I know you are but what am I?" Zim mocked.

"You're a dookie brain!" Dib yelled.

"Well you're a **double** dookie brain!" Zim yelled back.

"You're a double triple double dookie brain!" Dib screamed.

"Well you're a triple, triple, double triple quadruple dookie brain!" Zim screamed. "AND YOUR BIG HEAD IS FULL OF DOOKIE!"

"IT IS NOT THAT BIG!" Dib screamed.

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"Something is a little off here," Purple's antennae went down. "Even more than usual."

"Stop arguing you two! Now I remember Earth. And those memories are not good ones. Just get on with it," Red groaned.

"I am the protector of Earth and I have defended it against Zim's evil stuff ever since the first day he infiltrated my skool!" Dib made an heroic pose.

"Skool?" Red asked.

"It's a learning facility which I have infiltrated to learn more about Earth's culture and weapons systems," Zim explained.

"Wait this skool is like the academy?" Purple blinked.

"Well yes only they don't teach battle tactics, weapons practice, infiltration, dismantling defense systems, piloting starships…" Zim counted off.

"I'm going to stop you right there," Red held up his hand. "So what exactly does this skool teach?"

"Uh Earth history…How to write in cursive," Zim scratched his head. "Um…Very basic science. Very simple mathematics. They don't even teach basic plutonium calculus!"

"Uh huh," Purple frowned. "And Dib…How old are you exactly?"

"I'm eleven and a half," Dib said.

"And just to clarify things in my mind at what age does your species consider to be adulthood?" Purple asked.

"Technically 18 but legally 21," Dib shrugged.

"Really? That's pretty young," Zim blinked.

"Well how old are **you?**" Dib asked Zim.

"In your Earth years 159," Zim shrugged.

"**One hundred and fifty nine**?" Dib yelled. "You're **that** old?"

"Well…Only on Earth," Zim admitted. "Due to differences in space time zones and the unusually large orbit Irk makes around it's suns and other factors…I mean one year on Irk is actually several of your Earth years. Actually it's several other years on other planets too. So on Irk technically I'm…Uh…"

"Sixteen," Gir interrupted. "I can do math in my head! Wait no I can't."

"Actually that's pretty much right," Zim said.

"You're only **sixteen?**" Dib gasped.

"Hey! Irk's orbit takes over nine regular planetary years according to the Intergalactic conversion factor!" Zim snapped. "I'm still older than you!"

"Wait you're a _teenager_ and you had to go to **fourth grade**! HA!" Dib pointed at Zim. "That's **hilarious**!"

"That's only because it was easier for me to infiltrate and study your insane, diseased planet!" Zim shouted.

"You mean because you're so **short?**" Dib mocked.

"Zim is **not **short! Zim is **vertically challenged**!" Zim shouted. "Anyway look who's talking! _You're_ short!"

"That's because I'm a **kid!**" Dib shouted. "I'm supposed to be short! Wait until I get my growth spurt in a couple of years and **then** we'll see who's short!"

"Hold on, let me get this straight here," Red held up one hand. "All this time Zim has been waging a war…against a human **child**? Seriously, **that's** what you've been doing all this time?"

"Hey! Dib is no ordinary child!" Zim snapped. "He is the only one who saw through my brilliant disguise and has thwarted plot after plot after plot after plot…"

"Yeah, yeah we get the picture…" Red interrupted. "A little **too** clearly."

"I think I'm starting to see why Earth hasn't been taken over yet," The Meekrob Ambassador moaned as the other Resisty watched from the safety of their ships.

"We really should have done more reasearch on that planet," Finn moaned.

"**Brilliant** plan Finn!" Lard Nar shouted.

"Hey it was **your idea** to bring the kid!" Finn snapped. "You and your stupid prophecy!"

"Prophecy? What prophecy? I never heard any prophecy!" Lard Nar whistled.

"Oh don't pull **that** on me!" Finn shouted. The two started to argue. Then punch each other.

"Dookie brain!" Lard Nar shouted.

"Double dookie brain!" Finn yelled back. "OW! DON'T PULL MY EARS!"

"**This** is why our people usually avoid contact with fleshy life forms," The Meekrob Ambassador sighed.

Back on Irk, negotiations had gone down hill as well.

"Dummy dumbs!" Zim shouted.

"Dummy dumb dumb head!" Dib yelled back.

"Dookie head!" Zim screamed.

"Dookie brain!" Dib screamed back.

"Double dookie dumb dumbs!" Zim yelled at Dib.

Red blinked. "Unbelievable…"

"Okay that's **it**!" Purple snapped. "I'm telling them!"

"Tell us what? On how you're going to invade Earth?" Dib asked as the two stopped their fight for a second.

"Listen Dib, there is no invasion of Earth! There never **was!**" Red snapped. "We didn't even know your stupid planet existed until Zim landed on it! And that was just an accident!"

"Or a very bad coincidence," Purple added.

"What do you mean? Aren't you invaders?" Dib asked.

"Yes, but we only were intending to invade the **good** planets," Red shrugged. "You know worlds that can actually offer us something? Like technology, precious materials…"

"Don't forget the invasion of the planet where they had the universe's most comfortable couch!" An Irken called out.

"Oh yes that was a good invasion," Purple nodded. "Very relaxing actually."

"What are you saying? My Tallest you sent me to conquer an unknown planet," Zim blinked.

"There was no planet Zim! At least we didn't **think** there was a planet when we sent you away!" Purple snapped. "We just made up that mission so you wouldn't screw up Operation Impending Doom II like you did Operation Impending Doom I!"

"And yet somehow you **still **managed to screw it up," Red moaned.

"What are you saying?" Zim blinked.

"Zim we never thought there was an Earth or **any **kind of planet to invade! Sending you to Earth was a mistake! There is no invasion of Earth! There never was!" Red snapped. "We never intended to bring the Armada to Earth to conquer it because we believed there was nothing **to** conquer! Understand?"

"Huh?" Then a thought came to Zim. "Oh…riiiiiiiiigggghhhttt!" He winked at the Tallest. "I understaaaaannnd."

"No, no! You **don't** get it Zim! You really are **not** an invader!" Red snapped.

"We sent you away hoping you would fall in a black hole or die a horrible death!" Purple said.

"Yeesss, horrible death. **Gotcha,**" Zim winked at the Tallest. "Okay Dib you can go home now and forget this ever happened because we are not going to invade you."

"You really don't expect me to believe **that** do you?" Dib scoffed. "That's just something an alien invader bent on conquest of Earth would say!"

"Great! There's **two** of them!" Red slapped his head. He turned to Purple. "What are the odds that Zim would find someone as stupid, as insane and as thick headed as he is? And that is a real big thick head!"

"Do you want us to break out the hand puppets?" Purple asked in a condescending voice. "Maybe **that** might be easier for you to understand?"

"Uh is that some euphemism for some kind of mind control thing?" Dib asked.

"Oh flork, we are going to need the hand puppets," Purple moaned.

"We are not using **hand puppets**!" Red snapped. "Let's try this again…"

"This is gonna take a while isn't it?" An Invader said to another.

"Yeah, I'd better get us some snacks," The Second Invader said.

Two hours later…

"Okay this is attempt **Number Five** to explain this whole mess…" Red sighed as he pointed to a chart. "This graph represents the number of explosions and mass destruction since Zim was born. As you can see here it steadily increases up to the day of Operation Impending Doom I."

"See Dib, I have a chart showing how awesome I am!" Zim said proudly. Red slapped his forehead.

An hour later…

"Number Eight…" Red showed a copy of a file on screen. "This is a copy of Zim's service record. See that number there? That's the date when Zim was **kicked out** of the Invaders and made a food service drone. You are **not** an invader, Zim! You are a **food service drone**!"

"Please! I'm a paranormal investigator! I know phony paperwork when I see it!" Dib yelled. "You obviously manufactured that to cover up your paper trail for Zim's secret mission!"

"Yeah! What he said!" Zim agreed. Red hit his head again.

Zim blinked. "Oh wait were you trying to convince Dib that...Sorry, never mind." Red hit his head again.

"You keep doing that Red you're going to have a mark of some kind," Purple remarked.

"Will you just shut up and let me handle this?" Red yelled.

"Told you we needed snacks," The first Invader spoke to another Invader as they ate nachos.

Another two hours later…

"Attempt Number **Eleven**," Red sighed as he turned on a video. "A documentary we made called Zim is a Complete And Total Screw Up And The Most Insane Irken That Ever Lived!"

"I was the director," Purple said proudly.

"Really?" Red drawled as the words went up on the screen saying: A PURPLE PRODUCTION DIRECTED BY PURPLE, NARRATED BY PURPLE, EDITED BY PURPLE. "I never would have guessed."

"Ooh! Movie time!" Gir called out. "Down in front!"

"Even as a small child Zim was dangerous," Purple's voice was heard on screen. "On the day of his smeeting and indoctrination, he proved how talented he was at causing a disaster."

"I do dat better," A naked baby Zim pointed to a huge screen showing a simplistic history of Irk. "I wouldn't do dat. Or dat. Or dat. Or dat. Boy our ancestors were really stupid!"

PLOP!

Another naked baby Irken fell out of a tube and toddled into the room. "Ooh! Pretty!" The baby gurgled.

"NO! MY ROOM! MINE!" Baby Zim screamed and grabbed the baby Irken. With surprising strength Baby Zim shoved the Irken Baby back up the tube. "**My room**!"

The baby Irken fell down again only to have Zim shove him back up the tube. More babies tried to fall into the room only to have Baby Zim shove them back up the tube. Eventually the tube filled up with babies and started to malfunction. Which resulted in a huge explosion.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Baby Irkens fell from the sky and fell on top of unsuspecting adult Irkens.

A very tall, very old Irken looked upwards. "Eh what's that? AAAAH!" Several baby Irkens fell on him. "MY SPINE!" He screamed as he fell backwards down a flight of stairs.

"And that is what happened on the day we now call the First Horrible Painful Overload Day," Purple did a voice over as the shot onscreen saw the tall Irken's feet twitch then lie still. "Not only did it disrupt the Hatchery for two whole months, but it was also the cause of death for our beloved Tallest Yif, who ruled the Irken Empire for many, many years."

"Even back then Zim was a pain in the antennae to the Tallest," Red moaned.

"Six months later when the smeets should have been taking nap time, Little Zim was causing more mischief," Purple explained as Baby Zim now wearing a red jumper that looked a little like a cadet uniform toddled into a large room. "Now as we all know, smeets are not allowed on the surface of Irk until they graduate from Smeet Academy at the age of two. But little Zim had **other** ideas."

"I tink we go out dis way," Baby Zim blinked as he saw a huge set of machines and complicated tubes. He grabbed a short fat smeet and shoved him up a tube. "You go first Skoodge!"

"AAAAHHHH!" Baby Skoodge screamed as he went through the pipes. Until he got stuck and then…

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Thus happened the Second Horrible Painful Overload Day," Purple narrated as metal parts rained from the sky. Two very tall Irkens looked up and were both smashed by a large hunk of metal. "And also ended the reign of Tallest Lira and Fal."

"Hmm…Good effects," Dib munched on some popcorn as he watched the film.

"See how I'm the star of my own movie?" Zim said proudly. Red hit his head again.

"Baby Zim age one," Purple went on. "On the smeets' first tour of a doom walker manufacturing plant."

"HA HA HA HA!" Baby Zim was gleefully at the controls of a doom walker as it stomped all over.

"How Zim managed to get into and drive a doom walker is unknown to us," Purple sighed as the destruction was shown onscreen. The doom walker blasted a building which fell on a tall Irken. All anyone could see was a pair of feet which curled up and slithered into the building rubble.

"It is known that this instance was the cause of the death of Tallest Parin," Purple remarked. "And also the implementation of a new rule stating that smeets are no longer allowed to go anywhere **near** a doom walker manufacturing plant until they graduate from Smeet Academy!"

"The rule of course was made by surviving Tallest Jaof," Purple explained. The screen showed a tall wise looking Irken leader waving to an adoring crowd. A group of cute looking smeets were standing behind him on a platform. Jaof waved and walked to the stairs not noticing a toy doom walker in his path. He tripped over the toy doom walker and fell down a very large flight of stairs very painfully.

"Jaof of course only survived for two weeks after Parin's death," Purple added.

Baby Zim toddled over to the toy doom walker. "Der my doom walker!" Baby Zim hugged the toy.

"After that incident stairs were no longer allowed on podiums where the Tallest would be on," Purple added. "Or smeets. Or toys for that matter."

"We really should have seen the writing on the wall then," Red moaned.

"Let's fast forward to **another** incident on the training moon of Destructa," Purple spoke. There was a scene showing several cadets participating in a target practice of some sort. Overlooking the cadets were two instructors and a very tall green eyed Irken. "And once again, Zim just **had** to fix something that wasn't broken. In this case…a homing device disk used for target practice."

Cadet Zim was snickering as he fiddled with a large grey disk and threw it into the air. Instead of the floating disk being shot at, it started shooting at the cadets. The cadets ran in panic as the disk shot everything in sight. No matter how hard the cadets and the instructors tried to shoot it down, it evaded them and started blowing up everything in sight.

Cut to a scene from outer space. The academy building on the moon exploded with a huge bang. "And so not only was the academy on Destructa destroyed and closed for several years," Purple explained. "It was also how Tallest Green died!"

"And the beginning of new higher standards for invaders," Red added. "And more durable materials for our bases."

"Then came the days when Zim was training in his secondary profession, for as you know all Invaders need to know one other specialty," Purple spoke as a scene of Zim in a scientist uniform was showing something to a very tall female Irken leader. "Zim chose to become a scientist and did his training on Vort Research Station 9. He also chose to show Tallest Miyuki his first project: The Infinite Absorbing Blob Creature."

Zim pressed a button when suddenly a huge blob monster ate the female Irken Leader. "And thus came to an end of Tallest Miyuki!"

"Fortunately for Zim, Spork, the next in line to be Tallest covered up Zim's little mistake," Purple explained as a scene of Zim talking with a tall invader was shown. "Unfortunately for Spork, he forgot to tell Zim to put a lid on his latest project."

Tallest Spork was giving a speech in front of a crowd of Irkens when that same giant blob burst through a wall and devoured him. "To this day Tallest Spork has the shortest reign of any Tallest ever. Thirteen minutes."

"I'm starting to see a pattern here," Red groaned.

"Yeah! Yeah! See how awesome Zim is?" Zim cheered in his seat.

"Man you really are good at being an invader!" Dib was shocked.

"Oh flerk…" Red winced. "This is just **not **working!"

"Well we're just going to have to keep at it until something **does** work!" Purple snapped.

"Well what could possibly get through the thick skulls of **those** idiots?" Red shouted.

Another hour later…

"And now we're going to trick Zim into thinking he has a mission to conquer a planet when as far as we know there isn't any planet out there!" 'Red' spoke in a high voice. Actually it was the Red puppet doing the talking and Purple was doing the actions of both Red and Purple.

"My voice is **not** that high!" Red snapped as he scrunched behind a puppet show stage.

"Just play your part," Purple snapped.

"The things I have to put up with…" Red grumbled as he got the puppet Gir in place.

"And now I, Tallest Red will put together a SIR unit made out of garbage," Purple went on in Red's voice. "Because I don't want to waste a real SIR unit on that incompetent idiot. I will make it out of garbage. Garbage! Garbage begins with the letter G. So instead of a SIR Unit, it will be a GIR unit! G is for **garbage**!"

"Oh so that's what it stands for?" Gir scratched his head. "Now I know! What were we talking about again?"

"That does explain a few things," Dib looked at Gir.

"Wait a minute…" Zim blinked. "Are you telling me that my mission was actually a **lie? **That Zim is…**not** an invader?"

"Told you we should have used the hand puppets first," Purple gave Red a look.

"That's right Zim you're **not** an invader!" Red snapped. "You were stripped of your title as Invader! You were fired! Banished! Kicked out! Expelled! Debarred! Disqualified! If I knew any other synonyms to say given the bum's rush and thrown out on your empty pointy head I would **say** it!"

"Wait…Zim is remembering things now…" Zim thought. "Yes there were clues! It's all coming together now…"

FLASHBACKS IN ZIM'S MIND!

_Red and Purple gasping at Zim's face on the monitor the first time he contacted them from Earth. "Aren't you supposed to be __**dead**__?" Purple asked._

_FLASH!_

_"Nah this planet isn't on any Irken Map! It's clear game for destruction," A Planet Jacker told Zim. _

_FLASH!_

_"The Tallest __**lied **__to you Zim!" Tak yelled at Zim. "Your mission is a fake!" _

_FLASH! _

_"The Tallest lied to you Zim in order to get you out of the way," Sizz Lor told Zim. "Your PAK still has you encoded as a service drone!" _

_FLASH! _

_"Your exile…Uh I mean mission is only to observe the planet," Red told Zim. "Not annihilate it!"_

_FLASH!_

_"Here's your package special delivery," An alien postal worker gave Zim a package. "Hey, ain't you the guy that was banished from Irk? Zim right?"_

_"Huh? Yes, yes…" Zim was too busy looking at the package to listen. _

_"Yeah you're that guy who was given a fake mission by the Tallest so they'd get you out of the way," The alien postal worker remarked. "I remember reading about you in the Irken Post."_

_"Yes, yes…I am Zim!" Zim waved impatiently, not really listening to what the postal worker was saying._

_"Here's a huge article about you," The Postal Worker showed him. "Right here under the headline, Invader Zim No Longer An Invader! Goes in detail how you were given a fake mission and everything." _

_"Yes, yes, thank you for your praise. Zim is busy now!" Zim waved not even looking at the paper. _

_"Boy you really lucked out. According to the paper you were supposed to die a horrible death by falling into a black hole or something. See ya!" The Postal Worker said._

_FLASHBACKS END!_

"Oh no…All the pieces are coming together! The truth about my mission! It's one huge puzzly thing!" Zim yelled. "I have figured it out! My mission was a fake! Zim has figured out the truth!"

"That and the fact we've been **telling you** that your mission is a fake for the past several hours!" Red snapped.

"But…But **why?**" Zim asked. "Why give Zim a fake mission?"

"WHY? WHY? DO WE REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU **WHY** YOU WERE BANISHED?" Red screamed. "WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE PAST FIVE AND A HALF HOURS? SERIOUSLY? YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK WHY?"

"Yes," Zim blinked.

"AGGGGHH!" Red screamed. "Zim! You are a defective insane **psychopath** that causes chaos and madness wherever he goes! Ever since the day you were born you caused destruction! There are so many catastrophes you caused the list goes around the planet twice! But did you listen to us when we said you were doing wrong? NO! You just ignore us and go your merry way!"

"You are a pain in the antennae!" Purple yelled. "Do you have any idea how much we **hated** it when you called in? You know why we hated it? Because we **knew** something stupid or insane or dangerous would happen when you called, and surprise! It **did** happen!"

"Every single time!" Red shouted. "It was a nightmare!"

"You cause just as much trouble away from the empire than when you're **here!** Even more!" Purple shouted. "Because you have the attention span and the intelligence of a Vortian Flea! Scratch that! Even a Vortian Flea can take a hint!"

"But you don't! You just go on and on and on and on…" Red groaned.

"You never shut up! Why do you **never** shut up?" Purple asked.

Red started flailing his arms around and talking in a dumb voice. "Duh! I'm **Zim!** I'm a short little nobody with a Tallest complex! I just do whatever Zim wants because Zim is so great! Duh! Duh! Oooh! Look at all the fires I made! Dooooh! Look at all the buildings I blew up! Doi…I just killed all the other Invaders in my class but that doesn't matter because I am **Zim!** Yeah! I just set back galactic conquest back about a hundred or so years but that doesn't matter because I am **Zim!** I have **pants** in my veins that tell me to blow stuff up and make life miserable for **everyone **on Irk! Especially the Tallest! OOOOHH! I JUST BLEW UP ONE OF IRK'S SUNS! ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE HERE ZIM? **That's **why you were banished! **Twice!** And you **still **won't go away!"

"We've tried everything to get rid of you but nothing works!" Purple moaned. "Zim you're a menace! You're crazy Zim! You're nuts! A complete and total mental case!"

"You think Zim is…**defective**?" Zim's eyes widened.

**"YES!"** Both Purple and Red shouted at the same time.

**"YES!"** The entire crowd in the Meeting Hall of Irk shouted as well.

"But why didn't you **say **anything before?" Zim sniffed as tears leaked from his eyes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Both Red and Purple screamed.

"Okay…One more time with the puppets should do it…" Purple took out the puppets.

"Hold on, I'm still not convinced!" Dib snapped. "Okay maybe you sent the wrong guy for the mission? **That** I believe! But come on!"

"This day just keeps getting suckier and suckier…" Purple moaned. "Seriously, can't we just shoot them both into a black hole or something? Not like we don't know where to find one."

"Let's try another tactic shall we?" Red massaged his head. "Dib…What **exactly** is so great about your planet that we would want to invade it? And don't say snack foods because we already have that covered with two hundred and something other worlds not counting Foodcourtia!"

"Well there's our oceans," Dib blinked.

"What's an ocean?" Purple asked.

"It's a large body of water, usually filled with disgusting salt," Zim explained. "Smaller than a lake and filled with vile creatures."

"Water, water…I've heard of that stuff. Never really was into that," Red shuddered.

"That's right you guys can't handle water," Dib blinked.

"They **can't?**" Finn asked on the communicator.

"No, in fact they can't handle rain at all on my planet," Dib explained. "Without his protective paste to cover him it burns Zim."

"Okay so you've got a bunch of stuff that can hurt us filled with ugly vile disgusting things," Red let out a breath. "On the other hand you don't have any space traveling apparatus so you can't use it to hurt us. Right?"

"Well no…We don't," Dib scratched his head. "Earth isn't that far advanced yet for space travel."

"Okay so we can cross advanced technology off the list," Red said. "What else you got?"

"Well we have forests, mountains, animals…" Dib thought.

"Future parking lots, big rocks and disgusting creatures," Red snorted. "Pass!"

"We have cites and towns…" Dib went on.

"Blah, blah, blah! Been there! Done that," Purple mocked.

"We have gold, jewels, precious rocks…" Dib thought.

"Kid we use gold in our bathrooms! It's so common smeets use it for play money!" Red snapped. "And unless your jewels are the size of a moon I'm gonna assume they're no different than all the other ones we come across. In fact, we have so many jewels we can't **give **them away!"

"It's true. Who wants that stuff? They tried to give me a bonus in rubies the other day instead of snack food! That's against union rules!" Several Invaders agreed.

"We have precious resources like oil, coal and nuclear power and…" Dib added.

"You use that stuff? Yuck!" Red winced. "Why don't you just use flergle? I mean everybody knows that oil and coal just make nothing but messes and are too expensive to mine. And no species is dumb enough to use splitting atoms as a form of energy!"

"They are," Zim pointed at Dib. "They even use it in their bombs."

"Are you kidding me? Are you **kidding** me? In other words you're telling me this species pollutes it's own planet?" Red was shocked.

"Well uh…yeah," Dib scratched his head. "I know. It's a bad habit. But some of us are trying to work on it."

"So basically you've got nothing," Red folded his arms. "Is that what you're saying? A planet filled with stupid inferior semi evolved primates that pollute their own planet and don't even know what flergle is? Is **that** what you're telling me?"

"Uh…What's flergle?" Dib blinked.

"I will take that answer as a **yes**," Red sighed. "Yes we want to take over the entire universe, meaning the entire universe of **good stuff**. All those other stupid planets that are too far away or don't have anything interesting we want aren't even worth the target practice!"

"You sent Skoodge to the Planet of the Giant Rats," An Invader called out. "That doesn't have anything we want!"

"Only because we didn't like him and we wanted to see him killed off anyway," Red waved.

"Yeah what a loser!" Purple chuckled.

"Oh really? Well that **loser** saved **my** life!" Invader Tenn stormed in with Skoodge behind her. "Which is more than you two ever did!"

"Tenn! How did you escape?" Red was stunned. "And how did that moron Skoodge do it?"

"I snuck on board the Resisty ship and rescued Tenn while all of you were watching the movie about Zim's life," Skoodge explained. "It was pretty easy. Everybody was too busy watching the movie and eating popcorn to notice."

"Hey! Who was supposed to be watching the prisoner?" Lard Nar yelled at his people. Aliens started pointing at each other.

"AH HA! ZIM HAS DONE IT!" Zim crowed out. "Zim has thwarted you Dib yet again!"

"Uh didn't **he** actually rescue your friend?" Dib pointed at Skoodge.

"All part of Zim's plan!" Zim said proudly. "I knew I could distract you Dib!"

Dib looked at the Tallest. "Is he really this crazy or is it just me?"

"Yes, that's why we've been trying to get **rid** of him for years!" Red snapped.

"And now Dib my vengeance will be complete!" Zim pulled out his blaster. "Say goodbye to everything _**DIB**_ and hello to **oblivion!"**

Dib instinctively moved out of the way of the blasts. Zim kept firing. "Hey! Watch where you're shooting that thing!" Red shouted.

"OW! OW! YIKES!" Invaders screamed as they were hit by the laser blasts Dib evaded. "ZIM KNOCK IT OFF! OW!"

"HA!" Dib grabbed a blaster from Invader Ool and started firing back at Zim. Zim instinctively got out of the way but other Invaders didn't. And they got hit by Dib's blasts.

"Hey! He took my blaster!" Ool shouted.

"Why did you just let him **take it**!" Another Invader yelled.

"I dunno, I didn't think he was gonna grab it," Ool scratched his head.

"Will somebody stop those two from shooting?" Red screamed as he ducked from the laser blasts. "Purple don't you have a blaster?"

"I left it at home! Where's **yours?"** Purple yelled as he was nearly hit but another Irken was hit instead.

"I don't know! We're the freaking Tallest! We're not supposed to carry blasters! Our minions are!" Red screamed as he ducked. "GET THEM MINIONS!"

"Yeah minions! Somebody get them!" Purple screamed.

Some Irkens did try to shoot them but to their horror Zim and Dib shot them instead. (Of course to be fair they weren't aiming at the Irkens but each other.) Other Irkens had a different strategy.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" An Irken screamed. Zim shot at a huge statue as he missed Dib. The debris crumbled and squashed the Irken.

"Let's get out of here! They're crazy! Every Invader for herself! Hey that's sexist! Just run you fool!" The Irkens started to flee out of the building.

"Come back here you fools! This is your Tallest speaking! Get them! Don't run away!" Red yelled. He barely missed a laser blast and was nearly hit by some rubble that was falling from the ceiling.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

To the Tallest's horror the support beams of the building were shot at and destroyed. "WE CHANGED OUR MIND!" Purple screamed. "RUN AWAY!"

"RUN FAR AWAY!" Red screamed as the two Tallest actually ran screaming out of the building before it collapsed.

And so began what would be known as the most insane, dangerous and fiercest battle ever recorded on Planet Irk.

The Day of the Dib.


	6. Invader Dib

**Invader Dib**

"Are they dead yet?" Purple gulped as the Tallest reached the safety of their ship, the Massive.

"No…" Red moaned as he watched through the monitors. "Those two maniacs got out just before the building collapsed. They're still fighting."

"Maybe we should do something? You know like…DROP A WHOLE BUNCH OF HUGE BOMBS ON THEM?" Purple yelled.

"Bomb our own planet? Yeah **brilliant** idea," Red said sarcastically. "Have all our people evacuate the area. Let's see how this plays out."

"Let's see how it _plays out_?" Purple screeched in a high voice. "We **know** how this is going to play out! A lot of things are gonna get blown up!"

"Yes and maybe if we're lucky Zim and that Dib are going to be **two** of them," Red explained. "Let them take each other out."

"Take **each other** out? Okay that's a good plan…" Purple gulped.

"Is it?" A technician asked. "I have a bad feeling this is gonna backfire."

"Just shut up and do your job before I throw you out an airlock!" Red snapped.

"DIE DIB!" Zim screamed as he ran through the Irken city blasting everything but Dib in sight.

"YOU FIRST ZIM!" Dib yelled. He blew up statutes, vehicles, park benches, shot up buildings and the occasional stray Irken in his line of fire.

"I can't believe that my beautiful world of Irk is being polluted by **filth** like you!" Zim screamed as he fired. He also destroyed several statues and vehicles. And he also blew up the occasional Irken that wasn't lucky enough to get out of the line of fire.

"Now you know how I felt, Zim!" Dib yelled as he shot up a statue of Purple and Red when Zim dodged out of the way. "Every **day** for nearly **two years**!"

"I know nothing about **feelings!**" That hit a nerve for Zim but not the way Dib would think. He found a stray bazooka left by a dead Invader and grabbed it. "ESPECIALLY **YOURS** DIB!" He fired.

Dib of course dodged. The bazooka blast hit the building labeled IRKEN EMERGENCY SERVICES behind him. He found a stray laser blaster left by a crushed Invader and used that as well. "What's the matter, Zim? You can dish it out but you can't **take it** can you?"

Zim dodged out of the way of Dib's laser blast. Dib took out another statue, a vehicle and shot up the windows of a building labeled: IRKEN GREEN CROSS. "I can take **anything** you throw at me Dib!"

"BRING IT ON!" Dib screamed as he fired.

"OH IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT ON!" Zim screamed as he fired.

BOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOM!

"WELL I'M BRINGING IT ON!" Dib shouted.

"YOU BRING IT ON! I BRING IT **BACK!**" Zim shouted as they fought.

"THEN I'LL BRING IT BACK TO YOU A THOUSAND TIMES IF I HAVE TO!" Dib yelled.

BOOOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOOM! KA BOOOOOOOOOM!

"Red, they're not taking each other out!" Purple said in a worried voice. "They're taking a lot of **other** things out!"

"Told you this was a bad idea," The technician grumbled. "It is Zim down there after all!"

"Just shut up!" Red glared at him.

"I'm just saying considering all huge mountains of evidence..." The technician explained. "And all the disasters Zim has caused over the years..."

"You must really want a transfer to some ice planet don't you? Keep talking it will happen!" Red yelled.

"I'm just saying I'm with Tallest Purple on this!" The technician said. "Bomb them and kill them both! The damage from the bombs can't be half as bad as what Zim could do!"

"Finally! **Somebody** with sense!" Purple snapped as he glared at Red.

"Shut up the both of you! Send down Shock Troopers Units 6 and 7!" Red ordered. "Better throw in Eight and Nine just to be safe!"

"Uh Tallest Shock Troopers Units 8 and 9 were with the Ultimate Irken Armada when they were sent to explore Sector…uh…?" An Irken looked at his records. "Well you know? The place with the very big black hole?"

"Oh. Right," Red thought. "Well who's left?"

"Shock Troopers Units 5 and 4 are on the other side of the planet," The Invader said helpfully.

"Well what good does that do us?" Purple yelled.

"They could use the teleportation disks," The Invader explained.

"Oh right. We have those," Purple blinked. "I forgot."

"Fine! Call them for backup too!" Red ordered.

The Shock Troops Six and Seven arrived and surrounded both Zim and Dib. "It's all over you two!" One Irken soldier called out on a megaphone. "Just surrender and you'll be executed immediately."

"Hey! Nobody kills the Dib except **me!"** Zim shouted. In his rage he fired on several of the troopers.

Dib dodged the blasts and hid under a wrecked vehicle. He grabbed an object out of his backpack. "Take this Alien Slime! One of my Dad's smaller inventions! The Super Soaker Drencher Five Thousand!" He shot it into the air. Actually by it, I mean there were five thousand tiny water balloons that expanded and increased in size. And they scattered all around them in a circle.

"Uh oh…" Zim realized. "I've seen **this** before!"

Zim managed to duck and roll under the same vehicle before the water balloons fell and hit every Invader surrounding them. The Invaders screamed in agony. "AAGGGH! I'm blind! It burns! It **burns!** I'm melting!"

"Water gun, Dib?" Zim snarled as he realized he was under the same vehicle as his hated enemy.

"You didn't think I'd come to your planet **unprepared** did you, Zim?" Dib hissed as he pulled out another water pistol. "Just before I left Earth I brushed up on your weaknesses! Including your aversion to **water**!"

"AAAHH!" Zim dodged the powerful stream and jumped out of the vehicle. Dib chased him out still shooting. And he hit the Invaders in his way.

"Say hello to the Super Soaker Streamer Nine Thousand!" Dib cackled as he chased him all over, hitting and burning other Irkens.

"Run! AAAAHHH!" An Irken soldier screamed as his skin burned. The Irken soldiers fled for their lives.

"What kind of maniac has a gun full of **acid?**" Purple was horrified as he watched on screen. "I mean I know we're Invaders and all but that's just too much!"

"It appears we have underestimated this Earth and the Dib," Red growled. "Okay this calls for extreme measures! SEND MORE SOLDIERS!"

"Here's my next secret weapon! Big Weenie Bomb!" Dib yelled as he pulled out a huge box and threw it at Zim. Zim ducked. The box rolled over to several Invaders and Irken soldiers arriving on the scene. It exploded with tons of weenies flying all over the place.

"IT BURNS! IT BURNS! AAAGGGHHH!" The Invaders and soldiers screamed in pain as their flesh was burned by the meat.

"Second major weakness! Irkens can't withstand Earth meat!" Dib cackled.

"This human is **insane!**" Red gasped. "What kind of planet is he from that can come up with such powerful weapons against us? No wonder Zim hasn't conquered it yet! Actually the better question is considering how incompetent he is the real question is how did he **survive** all these years?"

"Send out the bombs **now?**" Purple asked.

"No…Send out more troops! And…And…Wait! What about the vicious Hologuluous Snorklesmirt? We use it to execute other aliens and traitors! Why not those two?" Red tried to come up with some idea on how to handle the situation.

"It's worth a try!" Purple nodded. He pushed an intercom button. "Release the Hologuluous Snorklesmirt!"

With a roar a huge beast was unleashed onto the ground. It thundered and screamed with rage and really big sharp teeth straight towards Zim and Dib.

Then it veered to the left, ignoring Zim and Dib and plowed headlong into a huge battalion of Irken soldiers. The monster tore the soldiers into pieces, their laser blasts barely making a dent in it's shaggy, but very hard hide.

"Oh yeah…We trained that thing to attack large groups first didn't we?" Red blinked as they watched more of their soldiers eaten and killed.

"Yeah we did," Purple sighed. "Now can we do the bombs? Is it time to use the bombs **now?**"

"Close…But no bombleberry," Red pushed several buttons. "Desperate times call for semi desperate measures! Launching planetary defense Number Two!"

"Two! That's almost as dangerous as Number One!" Purple gasped. "Which one is Number Two again?"

"The one where we engulf the entire planet in the poisonous gas X 231!" Red cackled. "There's no way that Dib creature can survive this!"

"X 231! You're going to poison our own planet?" Purple gasped.

"X 231 is harmless to Irkens," Red explained. "Unfortunately that means that Zim is immune to it but I'll settle for one out of two for now!"

Several thousand cylinders popped out from nearly every building that was still standing on Irk. A strange purple gas swirled around the atmosphere. "What is this?" Dib coughed.

"It's your **doom**, Dib!" Zim cackled. "This poisonous gas protects **my kind**, while your kind burns and rots from both the outside and the inside! Die! Dib! Die! Muah ha ha ha! Behold the Death of Dib!"

"Actually I think I'm okay," Dib stood there sniffing. "Hey this smells just like cotton candy!"

"Are you **sure?**" Zim blinked. "You're not even feeling a little burning?"

"Not really," Dib shrugged. "I mean it smells like some kind of girly perfume but other than that…"

"Not even kind of kind of burny?" Zim asked.

"No, not even kind of kind of kind of burny," Dib shrugged.

"Are you sure?" Zim's antennae sank.

"Positive," Dib shrugged.

"Shouldn't he be rolling around in agony by now?" Purple asked.

"He's _immune_ to X 231?" Red screamed. "HOW IS THAT **POSSIBLE?** ONLY SOMEONE WITH SUPERIOR IRKEN DNA CAN WITHSTAND IT!"

"Well apparently it **is **possible!" Purple snapped.

"How can you be standing there, Dib?" Zim snarled. "Only true Irkens with true **Invader blood** and **Invader DNA** coursing through their veins…" Then he stopped and remembered something. "Oh right. I **forgot**."

"Forgot what?" Dib asked.

"Nothing important. Never mind," Zim went back to shooting at Dib and vice versa. Dib quickly ran out of water pistols so he grabbed the nearest laser from the nearest incapacitated Invader he could find. And of course he shot and fired at Zim but missed. Hitting several more Irkens trying to flee the scene or stop them.

"This is insane!" Purple yelled. "They're still fighting!"

"RARRRR!"

"And for some reason the Snorklesmirt is still alive too," Purple moaned. "And killing everyone in sight instead of Zim and Dib!"

"Where are those other Shock Troops?" Red shouted.

"They're headed into the teleporters now!" An Invader said. "And they've got all our robot doom weapons with them! Transporting in three…Two…"

Unfortunately Zim and Dib's battle took place right at the nearest teleportation system. And of course both of them shot up the system and blew it up to kingdom come.

"Oh that can't be good," Red winced as the explosion.

"No it is not, Sir," An Invader gasped. "Those units were mostly still in the transporter beams when those teleporters were destroyed! And since they were destroyed mid transport…"

"I don't suppose it's too much to hope for that they're just stuck in some kind of middle dimension and it's just a matter of finding the right frequency to get them out is it?" Purple asked.

"Well maybe but they'd still be in a lot of little pieces even if we did," The Invader explained.

"Red…Are you **sure **we can't bring the bombs out **now?**" Purple's right eye began to twitch.

"No! The SIR manufacturing buildings are over there! Send in an order for them to destroy those morons!" Red ordered.

"How many My Tallest?" An Invader asked.

"ALL OF THEM!" Red shouted.

"YEAH SEND THEM ALL AND BLOW THOSE TWO MANIACS UP INTO TINY BITS!" Purple added.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Before they blow up the **planet **up into bits!" Red added.

Now while Zim and Dib were fighting, Gir was amusing himself with playing around in the rubble and occasionally watching Zim and Dib go at it. "Ooh! I can make stuff with this!" Gir picked up some broken rubble. "Eh, no I can't."

"Destroy, destroy, destroy…" Several thousand SIR units rolled past him.

"Hey! Where you guys goin'?" Gir went after them.

He managed to catch up to one of the SIR Units. "What'cha doin'?"

"Destroy Zim and Dib. Destroy…" The SIR Unit intoned.

"Oh okay!" Gir said cheerfully. Then he actually had a thought. "Wait a minute…"

"Destroy…Destroy…"The SIR Units chanted. "DESTROY ZIM AND DIB!"

"Destroy…Wait…You mean **hurt** Master and…?" Gir was stunned. Something rattled in his scattered brain. "No! No! You can't **do** that! That's not **nice!"**

"Destroy Zim and Dib!" The SIR Units prepared to fire their weapons systems as they advanced on Zim and Dib.

Suddenly Gir's eyes turned red. "PROTECT THE MASTER AND HIS FRIEND!" He shouted. His weapons systems emerged from his body. "PROTECT!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"What is going on now?" Red yelled.

"It's that Gir thing," Purple yelled. "It's destroying all the SIR Units!"

Gir went from SIR Unit to SIR Unit like a ninja, destroying everything with his weapons and lasers from his eyes. Then Gir leapt into the air. His eyes turned from red to gold. "Super Ultimate Power Gir! Special Power! BYE BYE BOOM!" Gir created a huge ball of energy and threw it at the SIR Units, destroying them all.

Then he created another blast which destroyed the SIR Unit factory nearby. "BYE BYE BOOM!"

"And you made **that** from garbage?" Purple was shocked.

"Oh flork…" Red's jaw dropped. "I'm too much of a genius for my own freaking good!"

Gir's eyes changed back to their normal aqua blue after he destroyed all the Sir Robots. "Bye bye…" He said cheerfully.

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"Ooh! Master make that house go bye bye!" Gir said happily.

"Gir! Stop fooling around!" Zim snapped as he had somehow gotten his hands on a very large bazooka and was blasting all over the place. "I need to concentrate here!"

"Yeah Gir!" Dib also had gotten his hands on large blaster. "Let me finish off Zim!"

"Okay!" Gir said cheerfully as he sat down to watch the carnage. "I love this show!"

"Still blowing everything up Red!" Purple yelled. "Sure you don't want to send in the bombs **now?"**

"Okay, okay…What **else **do we got?" Red looked around.

"Sir, we just got a transmission from…Roc Harr…" An Invader gulped.

"Roc Harr?" Purple blinked. "He's on **Irk**?"

"Yeah apparently he stopped off on the other side of the planet at his favorite nectar bar before coming to the meeting," The Invader said.

"Roc Harr? He's the meanest, baddest, biggest Invader we have next to Sizz Lorr!" Purple gasped. "He's personally invaded and taken over thirty seven planets! Ten of them in one weekend!"

"Roc Harr…" Red realized. "The only reason he turned down being the Tallest was that he didn't want a desk job!"

"Roc Harr…Irk's most famous and strongest warrior in our history…" Purple said. The Invaders behind him were in awe.

"He's our **only **salvation," Red gulped.

Meanwhile Zim and Dib's lasers had run out of ammo. So they were fighting with something else. Namely whatever they got their hands on. "Ah HA! I got a sword!" Zim brandished a sword.

"And I have…A fish?" Dib did a double take as he grabbed a fish. "Where did **this** come from?"

"Heh! Heh! Heh! Time to die DIB!" Zim cackled as he attacked. Dib held the fish in front of him and closed his eyes. Zim swung his sword.

Only to have the sword break when it collided with the fish. "What the…?" Zim looked at the broken sword handle. "That was weird."

"Yeah," Dib agreed then smiled. He swung the fish wildly and charged after Zim. "EN GUARDE!"

"Not good! Not good! Not good!" Zim ducked and weaved as Dib used the fish to cut everything in his path to get to Zim. Plants, statues…

"AAAAAHH! MY ARM!" An Invader cried out. Pinkish blood spurted everywhere.

The occasional Invader that tried to stop them.

"Okay Zim! Now you are gonna…" Dib began when something shadowed over them. "Huh?"

A six foot tall muscular Irken wearing combat armor and a ton of weapons on him jumped out of a flying starship hovering above them. He landed in front of Zim, facing Dib. "Prepare to fight! Roc Harr is here!"

"Is this another one of your **friends **you are hiding behind, Zim?" Dib snarled.

"Hey! This is my fight! Get out of my way!" Zim yelled.

"It is clear that you are no ordinary warrior," Roc Harr spoke to Dib. He positioned his sword into a warrior's stance. "I am Roc Harr! Mightiest Warrior of Irk!"

"I am Dib! Protector of the Earth!" Dib snarled as he took a stance with the fish.

"Ah I see you have learned the ways of the fish," Roc Harr took a stance as well.

"Eh, it's something I just picked up," Dib shrugged.

"For a long time I've been looking for a challenge. An adversary worthy of my skills," Roc Har pulled out an even bigger fish from his arsenal. "Are you worthy?"

"There's only one way to find out isn't there?" Dib prepared for combat.

"Uh excuse me!" Zim put his hands on his hips. "Hello? Zim is talking here!"

"Today two mighty warriors shall battle, but only one will survive!" Roc Harr snarled.

"That's fine by me," Dib growled. "I will do what I must to free the universe from evil alien tyranny!"

"And I shall fight to protect my empire and the Irken…" Roc Harr began.

"EX-CUSE ME! HEY! I'M **TALKING** HERE!" Zim shouted. Both looked at him. "This is **my** fight! I'm the one fighting Dib! So take a hike and get your own enemy!"

"Zim! Shut up and let a **real** invader handle this!" Roc Harr snarled. Then he turned back to Dib. "Where was I?"

"You were going to protect your empire and…" Dib reminded him.

"Oh yeah right," Roc Harr nodded. He posed dramatically with his fish. "I will protect my empire and the Irken way of life with my last breath! And nothing shall stop me!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Zim had grabbed one of Roc Harr's very large blasters and shot his head off. Then he shot him a few more times.

"I **said** this was **my fight!"** Zim snarled at the dead body. "Nobody kills Dib but **me! ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!**"

Purple and Red's jaws dropped at what they saw. "Oh this just plain **sucks!**" Red groaned.

Purple and the first Techinican asked at the same time. "**Now** can we use...?"

"NO! NO BOMBS!" Red yelled at the both of them.

Zim shot the fish out of Dib's hands. "Ow!" Dib was knocked backwards from the force.

"Blaster beats fish, Dib! Any last words?" Zim cackled.

"Yeah…EAT MY DUST!" Dib grabbed some soil and threw it at Zim's eyes.

"HEY! MY EYES!" Zim screamed as he was blinded. He fired the giant laser into the sky. Which hit a nearby spaceship. Which crashed into a large power plant onto another section of the planet. Which caused a huge fire on that section of the planet. Which destroyed many, buildings and killed many warriors and destroyed a lot of robots. Including a lot of buildings that had explosive materials in them which caused more explosions and more fires all over the planet.

"Red explain to me **again **why we couldn't use the bombs for fear something on Irk would get **damaged!**" Purple yelled at Red.

"YOU CHEATED DIB!" Zim yelled as Dib ran away, looking for a weapon of his own. Zim was still blinded so he kept shooting. "CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER!"

Of course Zim hit several buildings and statues as he shot all over the place. Including another low flying spaceship which crashed into another building, making another fire. A fire which several Irkens ran out of burning.

"OW! OW! OW! FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!" The Irkens screamed. "STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!"

"Seriously, explain again to me your thought process on this," Purple said sarcastically. "On how **not** using bombs would save the planet?"

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

One spaceship hit the Snorklesmirt which exploded on contact. Tons of firey meat flew everywhere. Many Irken soldiers left on the ground were hit with it and caught on fire themselves.

"Yeah Red, not using bombs on them was a **real** good idea," Purple said sarcastically. "Just send out a giant monster to eat our troops and when it finally dies it explodes and kills more of our troops! Real smart there."

"Well if this is so easy, why don't **you** handle this?" Red pointed a finger at Purple.

"With pleasure!" Purple snarled. He called out to the Invaders. "Prepare the quartron bombs!"

"Finally!" The first Technician rolled his eyes.

"How many Sir?" One Invader asked.

"How many do we have on our ships?" Purple snapped.

"Well the Massive has two and there are five more scattered in the fleet," The Invader answered honestly.

"Then that's how many we'll **use!"** Purple snapped.

"All of them Sir?" The first Irken Technician was stunned.

"All of them! At the same time!" Purple snapped.

Meanwhile Zim chased Dib into a very large building. "You can run but you can't hide Dib!" Zim cackled as they ran in.

"THERE! FIRE NOW! WHILE THEY'RE TRAPPED IN THAT BUILDING! NOW! FIRE ALL QUARTRON BOMBS NOW!" Purple screamed.

KA-BOOOOOOOOBBBBOOOOM-BOOOOOOOOOOM!

The explosion could be seen for miles from space. Purple turned to Red. "Now was that so **hard**?"

"Shut up," Red folded his arms.

"I think the question has now been settled once and for all, which one of us is the **smart **one!" Purple told him.

"Yeah but you blew up a thousand million acres of buildings and stuff including that big one they ran into," Red pouted.

"It was worth it! Don't be a sore loser, Red," Purple smirked. "We'll rebuild. By the way what was in that building anyway?"

"Doom walker factory Sir," An Invader said. "In fact it was the **only** doom walker factory on Irk, Sir."

"And there goes Ultimate Defense Number One," Red mocked.

"Hey it got rid of those two, so…" Purple began.

"Sir, something is rising from the rubble! We're getting readings!" An Invader called out.

"No…It can't be…" Purple's eye twitched. "It **can't** be! Tell me this is not happening!"

Two very large and very powerful doom walkers, huge hideous black machines with a lot of legs and a lot of laser cannons and other weapons emerged from the rubble and immediately started firing on each other. And caused much destruction wherever they went.

"It is…" Red moaned. "But how is that **possible?**"

"My Tallest apparently they were working on a pair of Ultimate Doom Walkers and they can withstand about five hundred quartron bombs very easily," An Invader said.

"And of course there were **two** of them which Dib and Zim managed to get into just before the bombs hit!" Red yelled. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

"DIE DIB!" Zim shouted as he blasted several rockets towards Dib's doom walker.

Dib however easily ducked them and they destroyed several Irken buildings. "You first Zim!" Dib screamed as he pushed several buttons of his own. Of course they missed Zim and hit more Irken buildings.

"What now oh **Smart One**?" Red asked Purple sarcastically.

"Use more quartron bombs!" Purple yelled.

"We don't have any more quartron bombs!" An Invader said.

"What do you mean we don't have any more quartron bombs?" Purple yelled. "How is that possible?"

"We don't have any more because there were no more orders to make more!" An Invader cringed. "And you ordered us to use all the bombs we had, My Tallest!"

"What do you mean there were no more orders to **make** more?" Red yelled. "We're Invaders! Of course we're always going to need quartron bombs!"

"But sir…No more orders to make quartron bombs were sent to the quartron bomb factory!" The Invader cringed.

"Quartron bombs are only made by robot units," Purple realized. "It's too dangerous for Invaders to make by themselves."

"Yes my Tallest, and since the orders for those robots were always given by the Control Brains…" The Invader spoke.

"I see where this is going," Red held up his hand. "Just use some other weapons then!"

"We can't! All our other weapons are useless against a pair of Ultimate Doom Walkers!" An Invader cried out. "The quartron bombs were the strongest stuff we had and they didn't do squat!"

"Are you kidding me? We have all these weapons and advanced technology and troops and you are telling me that they are useless against Zim and a **human child**?" Red yelled.

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"Well to be fair those two do have some pretty impressive technology of their own," The Invader blinked as another mushroom cloud appeared over the planet.

"Figures! What **idiot** ordered the construction of **two** Ultimate Doomwalkers with extremely simple controls and capable of withstanding any and all attacks from our own army?" Red shouted.

"Uh…" Purple held up his hand. Red gave him a look. "Sorry Red. I ordered them as a surprise present for your Hatching Day. My bad."

"I'm surrounded by **morons**…" Red slapped his head.

"My Tallest! Irk is being destroyed! What do we do now?" A technician yelled.

"I don't know! I don't know!" Red yelled.

"Well we have to do **something**!" Purple yelled. "Let's run away and hide!"

"Running is good! Retreat! All remaining Irkens retreat from the planet!" Red ordered. "Get into the spaceships!"

"RETREAT! RETREAT!" The Invaders screamed as they fled for their lives as Zim and Dib fought on the planet.

"Donuts! I need donuts!" Purple yelled as he ran around panicking.

"Donuts?" Red snapped. "**Now**? At at time like **this?" **

"I eat when I'm panicking! Okay?" Purple yelled.

Meanwhile on the Resisty's ship they were watching the carnage unfold. "We should have made snacks," Finn remarked.

"Wow…" Lard Nar blinked. "I mean **wow**. I mean I said I wanted a savior and a secret weapon to use against the Irken Empire but I had no idea he would be **this** effective!"

"That Zim isn't exactly a slouch at destroying stuff either," Finn said. "In fact he's doing just as much damage as Dib is!"

"Call our home worlds! Show them what we are watching!" The Meekrob Ambassador ordered. "The time for freedom is now!"

"Hey! That's the Irken Snack Storage Satellite Unit over there!" Lard Nar shouted as he pointed to a nearby floating satellite. "Now is the time to go and steal some snacks!"

"Forget freedom, snacks are much better…" The Meekrob Ambassador said sarcastically.

On board the Massive there was panic. Red was giving orders left and right to panicked Irkens. "Send in Missive One and Two to evacuate the planet! Call Admiral Din and send the Borgolon to send all their ships to blow up those doom walkers! Hey! What are those Resisty doing to our emergency snack rations satellite? GET AWAY FROM THAT! THOSE ARE OUR SNACKS!"

"Oh I picked a bad day to try and give up caffeine…" Purple moaned as he drank some Irken coffee.

"They're headed for the Hatchery!" Red yelled.

CRASH! BOOM! BURN!

"They've wrecked the Hatchery!" Red shouted.

"SAVE THE SMEETS!" Purple screamed in his highest voice. "FOR THE LOVE OF IRK SOMEONE SAVE THE SMEETS!"

"Forget the smeets! Where the flork are the donuts?" Red moaned. "Save the donuts! I need some sugary goodness now!"

As the Hatchery burned hundreds of small baby Irkens were screaming and crying as they were being carried out by robots, Irken doctors and in one case a strange purple donkey like creature. Baby smeets were running around screaming everywhere.

"Get the smeets to the emergency Smeet Evacuation Ship!" A tall blue eyed Irken in a doctor's coat called out as he carried two smeets in his arms. "Get to the Smeet Ship!"

"Did we just blow up a day care?" Dib blinked.

"You sick little freak! Zim was **born** here! Take **that!**" Zim used his tentacles to grab the first item he could find. Which happened to be a tiny smeet.

SPLAT!

"Owie…" The little smeet moaned as he was flattened against Dib's doom walker window.

"Oh yeah! Take this and this!" Dib used the controls to extend tentacles of his own to throw back the smeet and grab **another** smeet and throw it.

SPLAT! SPLAT!

"Owwwww…" The smeets moaned. "I got a hurtie..."

"Oh yeah! Take that! And that! And that! And these! And **those!"** Zim threw back the two smeets and grabbed more smeets. And so on, and so on.

"AAAAHHHH!" The smeets screamed as they were flung through the air back and forth at both Zim and Dib's fighting vessels

"They're fighting with **smeets** now?" Purple yelled as he grabbed his head. "What kind of sickos are these people?"

"Huh I wonder why I never thought of using smeets like that?" Red blinked. "Hey look at that one fly!"

"You're really sick sometimes you know that?" Purple gave him a look. "And that's not always a good thing."

"Evacuate the rest of the planet! Any Invader under a Level Seven is to evacuate the planet!" Red ordered. "All Level Sevens and over…ATTACK THAT SHIP!"

Dib and Zim got bored of throwing smeets and were now experimenting with different buttons of the doom walkers. "I wonder what this button does?" Dib pushed a button. Dozens of bombs emerged from the doom walker and blew up every Irken ship that tried to attack them.

"Cut it out Dib! Oh I wonder what this button does?" Zim blinked. He also activated his bombs that went after whatever ships were shooting at them. And of course when those ships crashed they usually crashed into buildings or other facilities which caught on fire.

"Pull back! Retreat! Retreat! Get out of there!" Red ordered. "Nobody attack the doom walkers! Just get out of there while we have ships left! Flee for your lives!"

"Oh this is just not going to be our day…" Purple moaned. "Oh look they figured out how to use the posotronic laser beams. There goes the Academy…"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Several Cadets and teachers fled for their lives.

"Zim you stupid little whoop monkey!" An older Irken shook his fist. "Knock it off!"

"Headmaster Koof! I remember you from my days at the Academy," Zim recognized the Irken. He thought for a second, then pushed a button.

WHAM!

One of the feet on the massive doom walker came down and crushed Headmaster Koof. Zim whistled innocently. "Oh look what Dib made me do. Oh well, never liked that old crank anyway!"

"Looks like Koof's dead," Purple watched on the monitor.

"Well we all knew that sooner or later Zim would kill him," Red sighed. "I'm amazed he lasted this long."

"Yeah I never liked that old crank, anyway," Purple shrugged.

"So what does this button do?" Dib pushed a button. Suddenly a restraining belt wrapped around him. "Uh oh, this can't be good."

The doom walker pulled in it's legs and hovered over the ground. Then it began to spin wildly and flew over the surface of the planet. "I NEVER LIKED THIS RIDE!" Dib screamed as he held on for life.

"Hey come back here!" Zim pushed the same buttons. However his ship started to spin the other way. "No! No! Go after Dib! Dib! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBBBB!"

"How do you **stop** this crazy ride?" Dib yelled as he pushed several buttons. Of course that activated dozens of bombs and other weapons that destroyed everything else around the entire planet.

"There goes the Irken Hall of Fame," Purple moaned as he watched the destruction. "Our science labs. Several apartment complexes. Irk's weapons of mass destruction district. The Irken Spacecraft Hall of Fame…The Irken Art Institute where we stole thousands of art from all over the universe…Do you ever have the feeling you never should have gotten out of your recharging station?"

"Every single time I run into Zim…" Red sighed.

"Okay! Here we go! THIS TIME YOU'RE GONNA GET IT DIB!" Zim shouted as he got control of his doom walker and sent it to collide with Dib's.

"YOU'RE GONNA GET IT ZIM! ONCE THE WORLD STOPS SPINNING!" Dib screamed. "AAGGGGHHHH!"

"There goes another weapons factory, the emergency food storage unit…" Purple moaned. "A waste recycling plant…The maim bot factory…Another weapons factory…A hospital...Irk's memorial park of the Ancient Hive Queens. The Irken Statue of Tyranny..."

"You know we can do without the Commentary of Doom here!" Red snapped.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM-A BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh there goes some more of the fleet…" Red moaned. "Just freaking….perfect!"

"And there goes a perfectly good donut factory," Purple remarked.

"What did I say about the commentary?" Red snapped. "Oh crap! Zim just blew up my favorite nacho bar! Now **I'm** doing it!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Zim yelled.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Dim yelled louder.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Zim yelled really loud.

KA- BOOOOOOOOM!

"What happened?" Purple gasped.

"Both doom walkers crashed into each other, totally wrecking each other!" Red told him.

"You think they're dead?" Purple asked. "Maybe they're dead and they killed each other?"

"Think again," Red pointed as both Zim and Dib floated down from parachutes. "You didn't really think it would be that easy did you?"

"You know…For a second there…I kind of thought it would," Purple sighed.

"Oh that was not fun…" Dib spun around and around and fell to the ground. Only to find a wobbly Zim staggering over to him.

"It's over Dib!" Zim snarled as he grabbed Dib by the collar. "I've beaten you! You won't do a thing to my precious Irk!"

"Look behind you, Zim," Dib sneered. "I **already** have!"

"You really think I'm **stupid** enough to fall for that trick, Dib Monkey?" Zim snarled.

"It's no trick alien!" Dib said proudly. "Your world is finished!"

"Finished! We've hardly just begun!" Zim shouted. "This is Irk, smelly little dookie brain! Glorious Irk! Where Zim…" Zim then got a whiff of smoke. "Where…Zim…" He looked around and saw the entire planet was reduced to rubble and fire.

"Oh…" Zim blinked as he saw the destruction all around him. "That can't be good."

"How does it feel Zim? How does it feel to have **your world** invaded and destroyed?" Dib sneered as he stood up.

"Honestly, not that good," Zim blinked as he looked around. "Ooh. I know **that** hole wasn't there before."

An Irken landed his cruiser next to them. "Look what you two maniacs did to Irk!" He came out with his blaster and stormed over to them. "Zim you were bad enough but I had no idea that you would find someone **worse** than you! You wrecked my planet! You…You **jerks!"**

"Yeah about that…" Dib scratched his head.

"We kind of got carried away…" Zim did the same.

"Hey wait a minute! Why am I apologizing? You guys are evil and were gonna invade the Earth!" Dib said. "Oh wait that was just Zim. The rest of you weren't. But you're still evil."

"Yeah and now you're both gonna be dead!" The Irken pointed his laser at them. Suddenly a large shadow was over him. "Huh?"

He looked upward just in time to see Zim's ship land right on top of him. "Hi Master!" Gir waved cheerfully. "The meter ran out so I had to move the ship!"

"Good work Gir!" Zim said. "That was convenient! Hey! Where are you going Dib?"

"Thanks for helping me destroy your planet and save the Earth!" Dib cackled as he ran off towards the other Irken's spaceship. "I've even taped our battle so now I have proof of aliens and my victory and triumph! So long Zim! I'm going to show the world what you really are!"

"Oh no you don't! Gir! After Dib! Set course for Earth!" Zim jumped in the ship. He took off after Dib.

"It's over Zim! I won! I won!" Dib cackled as he flew his stolen ship. "AND NOW EVERYBODY'S GONNA KNOW IT!"

"Fool! You may have destroyed my planet and tricked me into helping you destroy my planet and other stuff but I will still beat you Dib!" Zim screamed as he flew after him. "You may have won this war but you will not win the…not win the thing **bigger** than war!"

"But you and he wrecked the planet. He kind of already won," Gir said.

"HE DID NOT WIN GIR!" Zim snapped. "Not yet! As long as I draw breath in my Invader body Dib will not win!"

"But he…" Gir began.

"Just help me fly the ship!" Zim ordered.

"Okie Dokie!" Gir saluted and did as he was told.

Meanwhile on the Irken ships surrounding the ruined planet…

"Gone…It's all gone…" Purple was in shock. "They've destroyed **everything** on Irk!"

"No more Hatchery…No more Invader Academy…No more SIR Unit manufacturing plants…No more weapons factories…No more super sized snack stations…" Red was stunned. "They blew up our palace…All our statues of us…Our summer home in West Irk is destroyed! And we were gonna flip that and turn a profit!"

"Oh boy, those property values are gonna go down real fast," Purple groaned.

"The majority of our people are still alive if that's what you're worried about," An Irken Invader said sarcastically. "Most of us got to our escape ships on time."

"Most of the smeets are okay," Another Invader reported from the Smeet Ship. "Although quite a few of them are a little airsick." To emphasize the point a wobbly looking smeet threw up behind him.

"We still sustained heavy casualties," Another Invader reported. "At least ten thousand injured and almost as many are dead."

"Who cares about our people? Zim and his weird alien adversary ruined our lives!" Red yelled at him. "And now we're gonna ruin **theirs!**"

"What are we going to do?" Purple asked.

"What we **should** have done when we had the chance! Attention all Irken Ships…" Red's eye twitched as he called on the intercom. "All Invader posts are to be immediately abandoned and rendezvous to Irk! Or what's **left** of Irk! We're going to invade a stupid little planet called Earth!"

"What the…?" Zim heard the broadcast on his communicator which was open. "Hey! That was **my** mission! I get to invade Earth first! Why that stupid Dib! He's ruined everything! Well I'm going to go back to Earth and destroy Dib and the Earth before the Tallest get the armada ready! That way they'll have to make me a full Invader!"

As Zim flew off to get Dib and keep him from revealing his secret identity on Earth, Red addressed the troops on the Massive.

"We may be down," Red snarled. "We may have lost several ships and our beloved planet Irk may be in rubble but we are still the Irken Empire! We are still a force to be reckoned with! Even though we only have 35 planets left under our control…"

"Actually Sir it's down to twenty four planets," The Irken Accountant spoke up. "Oops, wait it's now twenty three. That's because a lot of the Invaders you called back for the meeting weren't there when the resistances attacked. Apparently the Resisty showed the whole meeting and the entire battle on their communications channel to several planets so they decided…Oh now it's down to twenty two…Twenty one…"

"Yes we get the picture!" Red snapped. "Okay! Here's what we're going to do! Call back **all** the ships! Every single invader from every single planet we have left! Every single soldier from every corner of what was once our empire and beyond! This is a code **Ultimate Plaid**! Abandon their planets and meet us at Earth's coordinates! Use their super powerful star hyper drives so it'll only take a day to get there! Then we're gonna take the Massive and every single warship, fighter ship, whatever…even a garbage scow that has lasers is going to be needed and we're going to go to Earth and **blow it up!** Then we're gonna go back and retake every single planet over again! Got it?"

"What about the other ships?" Purple asked. "The ones that aren't warships and stuff? They have the wounded, young and very old invaders that can't invade anymore."

"Just leave 'em! They're dead weight anyway!" Red snapped.

"Are you **crazy?**" Tenn realized. "If something happens to the Smeet Ship we're done for! That ship not only has all the smeets but tons of backup genetic samples and our best geneticists and doctors!"

"What do you care about smeets?" Red snorted.

"No smeets or geneticists, no future Invaders! Is **that** simple enough for you to understand?" Tenn shouted. She was increasingly getting fed up with the Tallest who she suspected weren't so great after all. "If they all die our entire race dies with them!"

"Fine Tenn, **you** can stay and watch the smeets while the rest of us get the glory, honor and pure joy of blowing up Earth!" Red snapped as he and Purple stormed off.

But several other Invaders and soldiers weren't so sure this was a good idea. "But shouldn't we regroup and rebuild before we do any invading?" Skoodge blinked. "What if some other alien group decides we're vulnerable and wants to finish us off?"

"You're right Skoodge," Tenn nodded. She pointed to another Invader. "You! Call Invaders Sklell, Deegee, Nia and Kip. I know they'll stay behind and help protect the rest of our people."

"You think they'll ignore the Tallest's orders too?" Skoodge gasped.

"I **know** they will," Tenn said. "Unlike our Tallest but not Smartest those four have a brain. I have a bad feeling that the Tallest are going to take what's left of our fleet into a disaster! We have to save whatever and whoever we can, right down to the smallest smeet! Our entire race could depend on it!"

"She's right!" Invader El spoke up. "I'll stay too!"

"I've got an extra large cruiser I can use to guard the Smeet Ship," Invader Slacks volunteered.

"Guarding Smeets? You're crazy! I'm going with the Tallest to get revenge on Zim!" Invader Sklud snapped.

"Me too! I mean they are our leaders after all," Invader Skoo spoke up.

"Yeah well those jerks have led us to **this**!" Invader Pesto snapped as he pointed to the ruined planet. "I'm staying behind to help too, Tenn."

"I'd like to help but I don't want the Tallest to get mad at me," Invader Larb admitted. "Or shoot me out of a cannon for disobeying orders."

"Guess we can't blame you for that," Skoodge said. "Okay everyone who wants to help guard what's left of our planet come with me and Tenn. The rest of you can follow the Tallest."

"Fine, I just hope that the Tallest don't end up leading our people into oblivion," Tenn grumbled.

Meanwhile back on the Resisty lead ship the Resisty were happily eating their stolen snacks. "Victory! We have victory and freedom thanks to Dib!" Lard Nar raised a snack cake in his hand. "And now that the invaders are leaving our planets, we can build an army of our own to protect ourselves from ever being invaded again!"

"Yeah we could make some kind of federation of planets and come together for peaceful co-existence and blowing the crap out of the Irkens!" Another Resisty shouted.

"Good idea! We'll do that while the Irkens are going off to blow up Earth! After we finish our snack meals of course!" Lard Nar nodded.

"I could just get the ball rolling while you eat, since my people don't need to eat anyway," The Meekrob Ambassador suggested.

"Good idea! Thanks buddy!" Lard Nar grinned.

"Anything to get away from **you** for a few hours," The Meekrob Ambassador sighed as he left the room.

"Should we do something else? Like help Dib and save his planet?" Finn asked.

"Nah, I'm sure he can handle it," Lard Nar shrugged. And the Resisty went back to eating their snacks.


	7. Dib is a What?

**Dib Is A What? **

"Welcome back to **Mysterious Mysteries!"** The Host of the show of that same name called out to the live audience in the giant arena. The crowd cheered and hooted with glee. "So far we've had some **fascinating** mysteries from our audience today. We've seen a three legged cat, a local Pigfoot sighting and shown the conclusion of the destruction of the giant robot that's been rampaging this city for over a week! Wow! What an amazing ending! I did not see that coming! What other mysteries shall we uncover during this live show?"

CRASH!

"What the devil was **that?**" The Mysterious Mysteries Host shouted as the ground shook and a horrible crash was heard outside. "Looks like we have another mystery here! Let's go back to the audience and see who has any interesting mysteries…"

"I HAVE SOMETHING!" Dib shouted as he burst through the auditorium door and ran down the stairs.

"Oh no! It's that crazy Dib kid again!" The Mysterious Mysteries Host moaned as he absently rubbed the scar on the side of his face. The scar which was once inflicted by Dib. "Not **again**…."

"Let him on! Every time that crazy kid and his insane friends go on, our ratings go through the roof!" His producer called out.

"Uh…" The Host was reluctant.

"It's either **him** or the kid who thinks there's an image of George Burns in a wad of his own snot," The Producer gave him a look.

The Host looked backstage and saw the aforementioned boy with a plate of something very green and very sticky. He shuddered. "All right! Let him in!"

"I've got proof of extra terrestrial life forms!" Dib said excitedly as he ran in.

"Of course you do Dib…"The Host sighed. "Our regular viewers **know** who Dib is. For those of us who aren't familiar with him…"

"**Everybody** knows who Dib is!" Sarah, a girl who was a classmate of Dib shouted. "Dib's the local **nutcase!"**

"I heard he was the nut who caused the robot to go crazy in the first place," Another kid shouted. "Him and his weird friend Zim!"

"Really? Nobody told me that?" The Host shouted. "Why didn't someone **say** that when we did the Robot segment?"

"We all thought you knew," A man in the audience called out.

"I've got proof of alien life forms!" Dib shouted as he made his way to the stage.

"Oh what the hey, our ratings thrive on crazy…" The Host sighed. "So where's your proof **this time** Dib?"

"For starters look outside!" Dib pointed. "There's a real spaceship out there!"

"Go to security camera two and put it on screen," The producer ordered. There was a shot of a smoking pile of metal from outside.

"That's just a pile of metal," The Host said.

"Well **now**! It **used **to be a spaceship!" Dib shouted. "But Zim shot it down!"

"There he goes **again**," A kid from Dib's class groaned.

"Crazy!" Another kid moaned.

"No this time I have proof!" Dib said as he held up his recording.

"NO, HE DOESN'T!" Zim ran in wearing his human disguise. "Don't pay attention to that recording! Ignore it! Zim **commands** you to ignore it!"

"Here comes the other nut," Another girl moaned.

"Now Tracy we don't say nut," Mr. Eliot spoke up. He was in the audience too along with more than half the town. "We say sanity challenged."

"It's too late Zim! Now the **whole world** will know the truth!" Dib said as he ran to the onstage DVD player. He put it in. "Here's the proof!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zim yelled. He tripped over the stairs and fell flat on his face.

"Here it is! Aliens from outer space!" Dib cried out.

"Uh, Dib? That's not outer space," The Host said.

"What? Oh no! Don't tell me I forgot to hit the record button!" Dib moaned.

But something was onscreen. It was Professor Membrane in his lab. And he was standing in front of a large tube. And inside the tube was an infant with a very familiar tuft of hair floating in some kind of liquid gel.

"Wait a second…? What is **this?**" Dib was stunned.

"Success! After several failed tries I have done it!" Membrane shouted with glee. "I have cloned a perfect replica of myself, Professor Membrane. Well almost perfect." He looked at Baby Dib. "The size of the head is a little off. Well way off. Must be because of his big brain! A big brain where he will use for **science!"**

"What is this…?" Dib couldn't believe what he was watching. "Is that…Is that **me**?"

"Now to decant my almost perfect clone!" Membrane cackled madly. He pushed several buttons and the tube drained of liquid. Baby Dib went down with the liquid and was pushed out a chute. A small laser came out and zapped the clone in the stomach, creating a small belly button. The baby began to cry loudly.

"Success! I've done it! SCIENCE RULES!" Membrane cackled. He picked up the baby and lifted it over his head. "Behold! The new Prince of Science!"

"What **is** this…?" Dib was shocked.

"Now you need a name. Membrane Junior? No. Too obvious," Membrane thought as he held the now calm baby. "What shall I call you Experiment D One Beta? Wait a minute…" He wrote D 1 B with his free hand, then changed the 1 to an I. "Dib. Dib. I like it! All right! Dib it is!"

"D One Beta….?" Dib was shocked. So was the audience.

"Oh my god! Dib's a **clone!**" Sarah shouted. "No wonder he's so crazy!"

"I always knew he wasn't normal but this is ridiculous!" Another kid shouted.

"I can't believe it! Zim was **right!"** Another kid from Dib's class shouted. "He **is** that weird!"

"A living copy of another **human being**?" A man shouted.

"That is so **wrong,**" His identical twin agreed.

"He's an abomination towards nature!" A woman screamed. The audience seemed to agree.

"Clone? No wait! That's impossible!" Dib shouted. "I'm **not** a clone! This is obviously a fake tape! Fake I tell you!"

"That's **exactly** what a clone would say!" Someone shouted.

"He's a freak!" Some woman shouted.

"He's an unnatural!" Another man shouted.

"HE'S AN ALIEN!" A kid yelled.

"I AM NOT!" Dib yelled back.

"No wonder he was always yelling alien!" A large kid shouted. "It's just so we wouldn't realize what a freak he really was!"

"You really are a freak Dib!" Sarah yelled.

"Hey isn't it against the law to be a clone or something?" Someone shouted.

"No, wait…" Dib looked around. "This is a mistake…I'm a hero I tell you!"

"Yeah right! Like we'd believe anything a **clone** would say!" Another kid yelled.

"Another stunning live development here on Mysterious Mysteries!" The Host cried out to his viewers. "We have uncovered a real live human clone! Dib…Well I don't know if he even has a last name but he's a clone so it doesn't matter anyway. Who is he? What is his purpose? Is he a part of some insane clone army? Or is he just an experiment gone terribly wrong!"

"Mr. Eliot you know me! I'm not a clone!" Dib saw a familiar face. "Tell them!"

"Sorry Dib but you're a perversion of science and never should have been born," Mr. Eliot said. "That's just the way it is."

"I'm not a clone! This is obviously a trick the alien…" Dib began.

"Shut up you mistake of science!" A security guard with a gun snapped at him. "You're under arrest for being a clone!"

"Wait a minute? Since when is being a clone **illegal?**" Dib blinked. "And I'm not saying I am!"

"Get him! Get the stupid freak! Clone! Unnatural mistake!" The crowd shouted. Several security officers loomed forward to grab Dib. Dib looked around terrified and confused.

"KILL THE CLONE! KILL THE CLONE! KILL THE CLONE!" The crowd chanted.

Normally Zim would have enjoyed the mess Dib was in. But something inside him felt that this was wrong. He didn't know if his judgment was tainted by the fact he could feel Dib's emotions or not but what was happening didn't sit right with him.

"WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Zim stormed out in front of Dib. "Are you kidding me? Are you **kidding** me? **This **is what you find repulsive? The fact he was born in a proper lab environment using adequate DNA is what makes him a freak? Not his stupidity or his freakish head or his dumb human Dib brain but **that?** Because he wasn't born the normal disgusting human way, **that** makes him a **freak?**"

"Well yeah," Someone spoke.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THE STUPIDITY OF THIS PLANET!" Zim screamed. "On my world we are all born in a proper state of the art hatchery, and trained from birth to be intelligent and cunning invaders! Not like you inferior humans with your skools and your hospitals and your disgusting baby rooms filled with wrinkly poopy baby meat! UGGH! YOU DISGUST ME!"

"You know this explains soooooooo much!" Zim ranted into the camera. "This explains why Dib was the **only** one intelligent enough to see through my disguise! The only one who was able to withstand my plans of conquering your worthless mud ball of a planet! You should be on your knees thanking him for he alone can withstand the wrath of the mighty INVADER ZIM!"

With that Zim tore off his human disguise to show the world his complete alien glory. "It's a **real** alien!" Someone screamed.

"See! SEE! I WAS RIGHT!" Dib pointed to Zim. "I HAVE PROVED TO THE WORLD THAT ALIENS EXIST!"

"No, you didn't," Some kid spoke up. "He **admitted **it! Doesn't count!"

"WOULD IT **KILL** YOU PEOPLE TO GIVE ME THIS?" Dib yelled. "COME ON!"

"Yeah! Come on!" Zim shouted. "So what if he was grown in a lab? That made him superior enough to destroy half of my planet! It's because of **him** and his superior fighting abilities the Irken Armada is on their way to Earth right now to blow it up into oblivion!"

There was silence for a moment. "Are you saying that Earth is going to be invaded and it's **his fault**?" Someone shouted pointing at Dib.

"Not all of it," Zim fidgeted, realizing that what he did may not have been the smartest thing in the world to do. "Obviously if I hadn't discovered this planet they'd never have shown up."

"Zim do us both a favor and **stop talking**!" Dib gulped as several large men with very big guns came into view.

"KILL THE ALIEN AND THE CLONE! KILL THE ALIEN AND THE CLONE!" The crowd chanted.

"Uh this is Zim! Your Irken invader saying War In!" Zim was starting to panic.

"Peace out!" Dib snapped.

"That too!" Without thinking Zim grabbed Dib and used his PAK legs to climb the ceiling.

"GET THEM! SHOOT THEM!" One of the security guards ordered. Zim barely managed to evade the bullets. Desperately he dove into the crowd which screamed and scattered on contact.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Stop it you idiots! Don't shoot the audience!" A producer yelled.

"I've been hit!" Someone shouted.

"Oh crap! Oh wait it's just a writer," The producer moaned. "Dodged a bullet there."

"WELL I DIDN'T!" The writer screamed.

"Zim what are you doing?" Dib yelled as Zim ran through the building and out into the street.

"What? You **wanted** to get blasted?" Zim snapped.

"No! But…" Dib began.

"It's the clone and the alien!" A woman screamed.

"GET THEM!" Someone else shouted.

"Huh? How could they…?" Dib was stunned. Then he looked up and saw a giant blimp with a televised picture of him and Zim. Not to mention a huge TV screen that had shown everything. "Oh **come** on!"

"Oh I **knew** I shouldn't have sent Gir home with my ship!" Zim snarled as the crowd on the street started to scream and in some cases throw rocks and cans at them.

"Well why did you?" Dib asked.

"He really wanted to go home and watch TV," Zim shrugged. "Sometimes it's just easier to let him do what he wants."

"GET THE FREAKS!" Some woman screamed, then she started foaming at the mouth. "AAAAHHH!"

"RUN FOR IT!" Zim screamed as he ran with his PAK legs. Dib held on for dear life. "Dib Stink! I meant for you to run too!"

"As much as I hate to admit it, those metal spider legs of yours are faster right now," Dib told him.

Zim tripped over a stray tin can and both tumbled over each other. "Ow…" Zim muttered.

"Maybe not as coordinated..." Dib grumbled as he lay on the ground.

"Get them! Maybe there's a reward? Get them!" A large angry mob ran up to them. "KILL THE ALIEN AND THE CLONE!"

"MOVE IT!" Dib yelled as he and Zim got up and ran as fast as they could on their feet. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"I am having such a **bad week** it isn't funny!" Zim yelled.

A fat policeman got out of his police car and blocked their way. "All right now, why don't you two boys just simmer down and…"

Zim pulled out his blaster. "Why don't **you **just **shut up** fat human slug and give us the keys to your Earth Vehicle? GIVE US THE KEYS!" He blasted a nearby trash can, turning it to molten slag.

"Please don't shoot me!" The cop cowered. "I only got this job because my brother in law is the captain!"

"Zim does not want to hear your life story! KEYS! NOW!" Zim snapped.

The cop threw Dib the keys. "Thank you," Dib said quickly as they got in the car. Zim took the keys and drove off.

"MOMMY!" The cop cried and ran off.

"Did we just carjack a **police car**?" Dib was stunned.

"Looks like…" Zim snapped. "You could help out and use the pedals since my feet don't reach them!"

"Normally I wouldn't unbuckle my seat belt but I think in this case I'd better!" Dib unbuckled his seat belt and went under to push the pedals.

"HIT THE GAS! HIT THE GAS!" Zim yelled as he dodged gunfire. He pulled out his laser and started to fire back. "I hate rush hour!"

"Hold on! If you can't reach the pedals how could you…?" Dib began. Zim waved one of his Pak legs in his face. "Oh right."

"Don't worry Dib Smell! Zim has an uncanny sense of direction! Whoops! One way! Hang on!" He did a donut and nearly crashed into another car before tearing down the road.

"Zim do you have **any idea** where you are going or how to drive a police car?" Dib yelled.

"No!" Zim said before he shot up another police car chasing them.

"Just checking!" Dib groaned as he pushed the pedals.

CRASH! SMASH! SHATTER!"

"Do I want to know what **that** was?" Dib yelled.

"Nah it would just worry you," Zim said. "I'm sure they were insured anyway."

RRROOOMM! RUMMBLE! BUMP!

"Whoa! Did we just run over a dog?" Dib yelled as he heard a squeal of pain.

"Uh yeah…Dog. Right," Zim whistled. "Keep pedaling!"

Dib did a double take. "We didn't hit a dog did we?"

"No, keep driving."

WHAM!

"YEOWWWWWW!"

"I know **that** wasn't a **dog!"** Dib yelled.

"Dog, pedestrian…It's all road kill to me!" Zim snapped. "MORE GAS DIB!"

"Why do I have the feeling that I'm going to Hell?" Dib sighed. "Oh wait, I'm already **there!**"

VROOOOOOOOOOM!

CRASH!

"OUT OF MY WAY HUMAN ROAD PIGS!" Zim yelled as he pulled out his blaster and shot randomly.

ZAPPP!

SPLAT!

"What was **that**?" Dib yelled.

"Nothing. Just some blood and guts on our windshield. No problem," Zim said. "Nothing the wipers can't fix."

"Oh great..." Dib moaned.

"On the up side I think I've just discovered the cure for traffic jams," Zim said brightly. "HEY MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"

VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOM!

CRASH! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"You know they really should have a law saying how many food vendors should be on a **sidewalk!"** Zim grumbled as he dodged several stray hot dogs. "Hang on! I'm gonna take a short cut!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! RUN! SOMEONE SAVE THE CHILDREN!"

"Zim we're not taking a shortcut through a **park **are we?" Dib winced at the sounds of screaming.

"No, an elementary skool playground," Zim said.

VROOOOOM!

"HELP ME MOMMY!"

"Okay now we're going through a park," Zim explained.

WHAM!

"WHINE!"

"**That** time we hit a dog!" Zim explained. "But I think we got the person holding the leash too."

"Zim don't tell me what's going on anymore," Dib groaned. "I don't think I want to know!"

"Uh you may have to," Zim said. "Give it all the gas you can and hang onto me!"

"This is going to be painful isn't it?" Dib moaned as he did as he was told.

"Hopefully, not so much!" Zim said as he grabbed Dib and using his PAK legs, leapt out the window of the car. The police car crashed in a firey explosion in front of the police barricade while Zim and Dib landed in some bushes nearby.

Zim dropped Dib. "Come on! The smoke from the explosion should give us some cover!" Zim ordered. And it did as they ran around the corner.

Right back in front of an angry mob. "GET THEM!" The mob screamed. The two fugitives ran as fast as they could. They ran down several streets and back allies. They finally took refuge underneath a deck in an alley.

"This is definitely not one of my better weeks," Zim grumbled. "Where **is **Gir?"

"This is all **your** fault Zim!" Dib grabbed him by the front of his uniform. "You planted that recording in order for people to turn against me!"

"You are a dummy, dumb, dumb brain!" Zim shouted. "If I planted that recording to **destroy** you, why would I go to the trouble of **saving** you?"

Dib stopped and blinked. "You have a good point."

"Duh!" Zim grumbled as Dib let him go.

"Hey wait a minute…" Dib blinked. "If you were trying to still conquer Earth, why would you reveal your identity and tell everyone that the Irken Armada is coming?"

"Stupid Dib! That's because…Because…" Zim blinked. "Wow. I'm not even sure why I did that to be honest with you."

"HUNT THEM DOWN! GET THE FREAKS! KILL THE CLONE! KILL THE ALIEN!" They heard the mob shouting.

"Look that's not important right now! We have to get out of here! Or else we'll both be torn to pieces," Zim shouted.

"I know where to go!" Dib had a plan. "Come on!" He went down the alley with Zim behind him.

"It's a dead end Dib Dummy!" Zim fumed when he saw a wall.

"No it isn't," Dib managed to open a manhole in the alley. "Come on! We'll go this way!"

"You expect Zim to go down **there** into your Earth city sewers?" Zim winced in horror. "Where there is human stink water and waste and rats and…**Dookie**?"

"You know **another way** to get around this city without people spotting us?" Dib gave him a look. "Because if you have a cloaking device or something I'm open to that suggestion!"

"Well not on me. A cloaking device would come in handy wouldn't it?," Zim admitted. The sound of the mob coming closer made up his mind. "Fine! Just don't get any stink water on me!"

"Don't fall into the canal and we won't have that problem!" Dib snapped as he shoved Zim in first then went after. He pulled the manhole over them just before the mob entered the alley.

Zim and Dib could hear the frustrated sounds of the mob above them as they tiptoed through the sewers. "Where did they go? I thought they went this way? Well obviously you were wrong, Herb! Maybe they teleported away or something! Those things are still loose! My children! Who will protect my children? We need to get more guns!"

"The one time I'm glad that most people aren't very observant," Dib grumbled to himself when they got a distance away.

"And the irony is that now that they believe you they want to destroy you," Zim said in a smart alecky reply.

"They want to destroy you too!" Dib snapped. "This is just a misunderstanding!"

"Notice how you humans always have a lot of 'misunderstandings' and that makes you act all stupid and violent?" Zim remarked.

"Shut up!" Dib gritted his teeth. "Besides you're one to talk. You aliens are just as stupid and violent as humans are."

"Hey! We are not as **stupid** as you humans are!" Zim snapped. "Give us some credit!"

"HA!" Dib snorted.

"And we don't **display** our defectives and outcasts in front of everyone, parading them around for the amusement of the masses!" Zim went on. "We humanely euthanize them in the privacy of a nice clean lab."

"Or send them to Earth to try to take over the planet on a fake mission," Dib remarked.

"Or send them to Earth to…" Zim stopped. "Hey! Was that a shot at **me?**"

"Yes!" Dib growled. "Now shut up and follow me."

"_Shut up and follow me!_ I don't know **why** I helped you!" Zim grumbled as he followed him. "Should have let you be torn apart by those stupid slug brained morons then let the Invasion happen!"

"Yes let the guys who used you and tried to get rid of you take your glory," Dib mocked.

"Yeah you're right. Gotta get back at the Tallest…" Zim took it a different way. "Which reminds me. Gir!" He turned on his own personal communicator he made to communicate with Gir. "Gir! Are you there?"

"Hey Master! You're on TV!" Gir said cheerfully.

"Gir, we may need a pickup," Zim grumbled. "Wait for my signal and…"

"Okay Master! I'll be right there! Oh wait, the Scary Monkey Show is on! Bye!" Gir said before he hung up.

"Gir! Gir! AAGGGGGHHH!" Zim growled. "You know I am starting to suspect that Gir isn't a real SIR unit after all?"

"Zim the Tallest admitted to you they made him from garbage several times!" Dib snapped. "Weren't you paying **attention**?"

"**Of course** Zim was paying attention! Zim paid attention when I learned my whole mission was a lie and the Tallest threw me **aside** like the remains of a three day old salad!" Zim snapped. "So now that the Tallest actually want to invade Earth Zim will have to stop their invasion so I can have my revenge!"

"You know you keep mixing up your tenses right?" Dib stopped and looked at him. "You talk about yourself in the third person then you use your first person pronouns!"

"That's acceptable in Irken language and I carry it over to stupid English!" Zim snapped. "It's not Zim's…It's not **my **fault that your human dialect has a ton of stupid rules and stupid counter rules! Mixing up tenses is very common!"

"It's not **that **common you **Ikttkehick!"** Dib screamed. Then he stopped. "How did I know how to speak Irken? Is that part of the brainwashing process!"

"If I say yes, will that make you move? Because really Dib I'm not in the mood to mess with you today!" Zim snapped. "In case you haven't noticed I'm kind of having a personal crisis of my own! A crisis by the way **you** are partially responsible for!"

"Hey! I only trashed **your **planet because you were going to trash mine **first**!" Dib snapped. "For a mission that wasn't even real! So technically the Tallest are to blame. Then again your people kind of had that coming anyway!"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on Zim! You go around from planet to planet invading places and enslaving people and taking their natural resources! That's not very nice!"

"Oh look who is playing the 'Your Species Doesn't Act Very Nice Card'!" Zim threw up his hands as they walked further down. "I've studied the history of this stupid planet. You wanna talk about taking stuff that isn't yours and enslaving other races? Isn't that how this particular country was built?"

"Hey we don't do that stuff anymore!" Dib snapped.

"Yeah **right!"** Zim snorted. "You use money and menial jobs instead of chains for your slavery now! And you want to talk about killing and wiping out other species? You humans are experts at it! Every time I turn on the television somebody is killing somebody else over something stupid! You know Irkens may be Invaders but at least we're honest about it! We don't pretend that it's part of some ridiculous divine plan! We take things because we **want** it! Pure and simple!"

"Yeah you want other people's stuff!" Dib snapped. "And you make them slaves!"

"Some species **deserve** it!" Zim snapped. "I mean look around you! **These** are the people you want to save?"

"Zim…"

"Seriously! Give some thought to this!" Zim went on. "You fight for Earth to protect it but who is fighting to protect **you?** Nobody! They all abandoned you and called you crazy!"

"Not everybody! My Dad will save us!"

"Used to think the same thing about the Tallest but boy was **that **a mistake!" Zim snarled.

"This is different! I'm actually related to my Dad!" Dib snapped.

"Hello! All Irkens are related to each other! We're all one huge hive family!" Zim snapped. "And…I just thought of this…And your Father is **taller** than **you!**"

"That's because I'm a kid! I'm supposed to be shorter than him until I grow up!"

"And all other Irkens are supposed to be shorter than the Tallest! So now who has a Tallest complex?" Zim sneered. "Seriously Dib, tell me now which one of us has the complex!"

"This isn't the time to argue about that Zim!"

"Why because I'm **winning** the argument?"

"No, because we're here," Dib pointed to a sealed entrance.

"Oh," Zim said as they made their way through the entrance. They were in a darkened laboratory. "Where are we?"

"It's the lab my Dad uses for his show! He'll tell everyone I'm not a clone and everything will go back to normal!" Dib said.

"You're gonna run to your **dad **and hope he'll get us out of trouble?" Zim asked. "Well it's worth a try!"

They didn't get far into the lab when the lights turned on. "Membrane you are in big trouble!" One of several military leaders snapped as they walked into the room with the scientist.

"Sir, please! If you give me a chance to find the boy…" Membrane began.

"Dad…" Dib asked. Everyone looked at the two fugitives. "Hi…"

"Membrane, your idiot **son** and that stupid alien is **here!**" A General with a big white mustache snapped.

"Yes I know," Membrane sighed. "I told you the boy would come here General Guffaw."

"**I'm** the one who told you!" Gaz emerged from the shadows. "You never listen to me Dad!"

"Gaz?" Dib blinked as he saw his sister.

"Boy are **you** in trouble," Gaz shook her head.

"Dad! Dad! For some strange reason people think that I'm a clone but that's not important right now!" Dib babbled as he ran to his father. "I know you think I'm crazy but aliens exist and they're on their way to conquer the planet! Now I know you don't believe me…"

"I'm afraid I **do** believe you, Dib," Membrane looked rather sad. "Now anyway…"

"A little late for that! You have a lot of explaining to do Membrane," General Guffaw growled. "I thought we told you that making clones were forbidden!"

"Especially after that winged rat fiasco," Another general said.

"But I had permission!" Membrane told them.

"From who?" The fist general snapped.

Several shadowy figures appeared. "From us…" Miss Bitters emerged with several other wrinkly elderly looking people. Miss Bitter's legs transformed into a snakelike black tail.

"Miss Bitters? Hey…Since when do you have a **tail?**" Dib did a double take.

"Hold it! You're aliens too! I know your species!" Zim was shocked. "You're Borgias! But the Irkens wiped out your species centuries ago!"

"No they didn't," Miss Bitters snarled. "Not for lack of trying!"

"Miss Bitters? You're an alien **too?**" Dib's jaw dropped. "Just how many aliens are **on **this planet? Do the Swollen Eyeballs know? Someone has to tell them!"

"Kid we made up the Swollen Eyeballs to keep stupid idiots like you from discovering the truth," General Guffaw snorted. "We send our most stupid and gullible agents into that organization in order to get them out of our way. We also sent some competent ones to keep them in line and make sure nobody knew about the aliens running the planet!"

"You're telling me the Swollen Eyeballs, a society dedicated to uncovering conspiracies and the paranormal is really a conspiracy in itself run by aliens?" Dib blinked. "Wow. That explains Agent Bill."

"I purposely asked them to ignore your little mad ramblings and keep an eye on you," Membrane sighed. "But they didn't tell me that you were actually consorting with a **real** alien!"

"He's been in your house over a hundred times!" Bitters snapped. "You really didn't notice oh great and powerful scientist?"

"Well I've been busy doing my experiments for you and the rest of the Borigias!" Membrane snapped. "And mankind too."

"You knew and didn't tell us there was **another **alien species on this planet?" Another general asked Bitters.

"We thought **Membrane** told you all about that!" An older Borgia yelled.

"No, he didn't," General Guffaw snarled.

"I didn't know!" Membrane shouted. "Boy I'm really behind in reviewing my security camera recordings!"

"Recordings? You were **there **in your own house and you didn't notice you had an alien in there!" Bitters shouted. "You had several conversations with him for crying out loud!"

"I didn't see through his disguise!" Membrane explained.

"The green skin and no nose should have tipped you off!" General Guffaw snapped. "I mean I know we give the majority of the population drugs in the fast food and water to keep them docile but you're not supposed to take them!"

"Wait…Hold on…What's going on here?" Dib looked back and forth. "Dad?"

A thought came to Zim. "You are working with **them** aren't you?" Zim shouted and pointed to the Borgias. "You are a **collaborator!** Now why didn't I get one of those?"

"No! My Dad would **never **collaborate with filthy evil alien scum!" Dib shouted. "Tell him Dad! Go on! Tell him! Go on! Go ahead. He's standing right there. Just tell him. Dad? Tell him that you would never collaborate with aliens. Anytime you're ready. Come on! Say something! Anything. Dad?"

"Uh yeah this is a bit embarrassing," Membrane scratched his head. "But it's not like I'm the only one who's doing it."

"What?" Dib blinked.

"It's kind of a long story," Membrane sighed. "It all started about twenty years ago. I'll show you all in my memory enhancing machine!" He got in a device with a seat and some kind of plunger like top that came down on his head.

Images came up on a television screen. It was a much younger Membrane, with a full head of hair as well as his trademark scythe like spike working in a small modest lab. "You see son, a long time ago I too dabbled in the paranormal," Membrane admitted. "Just as a hobby really. Mostly to look for **aliens!**"

"You **did?**" Dib was stunned. "You never told me that!"

"He's telling you **now,**" Zim rolled his eyes.

"It was a humble existence, but I was often the source of scorn and mockery of my peers," Membrane explained as his younger self was laughed at by geeky looking scientists. "My secret dream was to have my own television show where I could promote science and show the world that aliens existed!"

"Then one fateful night I figured out a way to transmit special signals in space! I put out a call for any alien race to come to Earth in order to exchange knowledge and promote peace!" Younger Membrane was on a hill somewhere in the woods with a scientific device under the stars.

"And then the aliens came!" Membrane explained. A scene of a huge spaceship landing before him was shown. Several aliens emerged, one of them looking a lot like Miss Bitters.

"I had made first contact! I wanted to show the world! But the aliens convinced me that perhaps most people weren't ready to meet real aliens! So I introduced them to my friends in the government. And the Pentagon!"

There was a shot of Membrane waiting while something violent was happening behind closed doors. "Apparently the Pentagon was a bit miffed that the government had cut their budget. But the aliens decided to convince the government to give them more money." An image of a severed government official head rolling on the floor was shown.

More images were shown and Membrane described them. "Basically the Borgia gave me a deal, in exchange for my silence about aliens living on this planet they would not only allow me to continue my scientific theories with a lot of money and a huge new lab, they would give me a TV show and make me famous! I agreed! And soon I had enough money to work on and pattern my very first invention: The automatic diaper changer! Every parent and orphanage on the planet wanted one! And soon that led to other inventions! Like the cure for Eczema and plutonium powered toasters! Then came Super Toast! Soon I even had my own television show promoting science!"

"And the best part was that the Borgia helped our military become the ruling power behind the regular government," General Guffaw explained .  
"I had everything! Money, fame, power, scientific advancements…" Membrane sighed. "And the love of one of my lab assistants. Who I uh…" An image of an angry pregnant woman with hair the same color as Gaz's was shown beating up Membrane. "Well let's just say it didn't work out the way I thought it would."

"In case you hadn't figured it out, that's **my mom**," Gaz sighed.

"Yes apparently she didn't really approve of some of my work. Like growing my own clone to be my son," Membrane winced at the memory. "And forgetting to show up at our wedding ceremony four or five times."

"Which is probably why she ran off with a magician not long after she gave birth to me," Gaz grumbled.

"Anyway to make a long story short…" Membrane began.

"Too late," Zim grumbled.

"I created you in my lab Dib so I'd have two perfect children and a son to carry on my legacy in **science!**" Membrane explained.

"So I **am** an experiment?" Dib was shocked. "And my name was originally…Experiment D One Beta?"

"Hey! That's not so bad! At least you weren't named after a lab rat," Bitters chuckled as she pointed to Gaz.

"What?" Dib looked at Gaz. She looked like she was going to kill someone.

"Gaz was my **favorite** lab rat!" Membrane protested. "She had the most beautiful eyes and the softest fur!"

"Dad…Stop talking!" Gaz snarled.

"Okay let me just get a handle on this here," Dib looked around. "I'm a clone of you? I'm…**Your** clone?"

"Yes, Son," Membrane sighed. "You remember when you were younger I showed you how cloning was done in my lab?"

"You mean I'm like Mister Monkey Numbers Two through Seven?" Dib's eyes widened and started to water.

"Yes, Son," Membrane nodded. "Just like the Mister Monkeys. Only you weren't cloned from a monkey but from **me!**"

"Which also explains why you're **dumber** than a monkey," Gaz folded her arms.

"That does explain that doesn't it?" Zim thought.

"And you work for an alien race that rules the Earth in secret?" Dib was horrified.

"That's pretty much it in a nutshell, Dib," Membrane nodded.

Dib looked around. "And you all just let these aliens take over the Earth…? You sold out our planet all for **money?"**

"Hey we didn't sell out the Earth for money," One general said. "We sold out for a ton of free stuff and a whole **lot **of money!"

"And to make sure our great country stayed in power over all others!" General Guffaw snorted.

"And Miss Bitters you're part of the aliens in charge? But you said you were once and astronaut and a fairy princess and…" Dib blinked.

"I **lied** kid," Bitters folded her arms. "Deal with it. Well technically the astronaut one wasn't a complete lie because I did travel in outer space but…"

"So that story that's been going around about the skool being built around you?" Dib asked.

"A total myth I encouraged to frighten you children," Bitters sneered.

"It worked," Dib blinked.

"Hold on you said something about drugging people to make them complacent?" Zim waved.

"With all the additives you can put into food and water it was easy to slip in some drugs to make the majority of the population nice and stupid," Bitters sneered. "My mission was to make sure the brighter students stayed stupid at the skool."

"Is that why nobody but me and Gaz could figure out Zim was an alien?" Dib asked. "But wait a minute…If those drugs to make us stupid are in the food and water, Why didn't they work on either me or Gaz?"

"Oh that. I gave you and your sister the same formula that protects you from the negative effects of the drugs when you were infants," Membrane waved. "I gave you a series of shots so you're now immune to that particular drug combination. I wanted to keep your minds clear for **science**!"

"We only let you grow the clone and keep it as part of your payment for helping us with our scientific advances!" The Borgia named Sneer snapped.

"And I guess my superior Invader constitution was naturally superior to these drugs," Zim preened.

"No! It's because you were **already** stupid!" Bitters snapped. "Why do you think we didn't bother capturing you when we found out you arrived?"

"When was this?" Zim was stunned.

"When you walked into my classroom with **green skin and no nose** asking questions about the Earth's defense system!" Bitters snapped. "I could see that you were an Irken a mile away! Even out here in the boondocks of space we heard rumors about an incredibly stupid, incredibly defective Irken! It wasn't exactly hard to deduct that was **you**! The only reason I didn't turn you in to the Dissection Squad right there and then was to keep Dib occupied and keep him from discovering I was an alien!"

"It worked," Dib blinked. "Boy you guys really thought of everything."

"Not everything. You two **idiots** have really done it this time," Bitters sneered. "Because of the two of you the Irken Armada is coming! We're going to get our revenge ahead of schedule!"

"Take them away," Sneer ordered several soldiers. "And do something very violent and painful to them."

"Wait! What are you going to do to my boy?" Membrane asked.

"What do you think? He's obviously defective," Bitters snarled. "He'll have to be terminated along with his little green friend and have his DNA blended up into tiny bits. Maybe put in a new kind of hair styling gel?"

"Take them to the lab! Uh…Another lab," General Guffaw looked around. "Lab 5! Take them to Lab 5!"

"Okay coming here was a mistake," Zim snarled. "Brilliant move Dib Monkey!"

"No! Dad we can fight them!" Dib looked around at the advancing soldiers. "Dad! Go on! Do something! Dad! Dad? I don't want to be a hair styling gel! Dad!"

To his horror Membrane looked away. "Well, perhaps it's for the best," He said in a defeated tone.

"Dad…?" Dib's eyes widened in horror.

"Why couldn't you be **normal?**" Membrane sighed once more. "I'm sorry Dib but you're just…You're just too insane."

"No! Dad! Help me! Gaz!" Dib looked at his sister. She had no expression but the scowl on her face but then again she rarely ever did. "Dad! Please! I'm your son! Don't leave me! Gaz help me! I'm your brother! Dad…"

"WHAHOOOOOOOOOO! I'M FLYING!" Gir was heard.

"What the…?" Sneer looked behind him.

"WHOO HOOO!" Gir burst through the lab doors riding Minimoose at a high speed. "RIDE 'EM COWBOY!"

"What the…?" Membrane gasped. "A flying **moose?"**

"Git along little doggy!" Gir whooped for joy as he grabbed onto Zim and Dib, then took them for a flight around the lab, partially trashing it with Minimoose's bad flying.

"You're not getting out of here you little…" Two Borgia snarled as they stood in front of Minimoose's way. Zim pulled out his blaster and shot them dead. Minimoose crashed through the wall and flew off.

"Gir where the flork have you been?" Zim shouted as they flew off on Minimoose. "GIR! MAKE A LEFT! A LEFT!"

CRASH!

"THE OTHER LEFT GIR!" Zim yelled.

"They're getting away!" General Guffaw shouted as the miscreants escaped the building.

"Great! Now Fang and Hiss are dead too!" Sneer yelled as he looked at the bodies of their comrades.

"So what? You never liked them," Bitters said.

"No, but they owed me money," Sneer grumbled. "Guffaw! You better get those little freaks before they cause even more damage!"

"Don't worry. We're gonna blow up those defects into **tiny pieces!"** General Guffaw snarled as he and the others stormed out. They left Membrane and Gaz alone.

"Oh my poor insane son. What a horrible fate! I suppose though it's for the best," Membrane sighed. "Oh well Gaz. I guess that means more presents for you this Christmas. Maybe I can make you a new brother one of these days? Yes, a better brother. One that's interested in **science!**" He walked away mumbling about all the improvements he was going to make in the next clone.

Gaz stood there alone. "I don't want a new better brother," She said quietly. "I want the stupid old one."


	8. Mopiness of Space

**Moppiness of Space**

"MOVE IT GIR! THE MOB IS COMING!" Zim screamed as he worked the controls to his ship, converting his house back into an invader spacecraft. They had barely escaped the authorities by a whisker and now were preparing to go into space. "Set the gnomes to ultra attack mode! That shoud buy us a few minutes!"

BOOM! BOOM!

"Hey they're shooting at our house!" Gir said.

"They're shooting at me!" The Computer shouted. "How rude!"

"They'll do more than **that** if you don't hurry up and help me change the house back into a ship! Come on!" Zim yelled.

"Technically the house and ship are already separate! We could just leave the house," The Computer said.

"Invaders do not leave their technology in the hands of the enemy!" Zim shouted.

"Fine! Be picky!" The Computer grumbled as it dismantled the house within seconds, leaving only the ship and a few gnomes. "There! It's done!"

Zim snapped. "YES! BLAST OFF TIME!"

"Sir! We're under attack by gnomes! And some kind of blowfish thing!" A police officer told his mustached captain. He was hit from behind by pins shot out from one of Zim's blowfish decorations. "AAAAAHH!"

"SHOOT THEM! BLOW THEM UP UNTIL...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH?" The police captain gasped at the sight before him.

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Police and army were stunned as the house changed into a spaceship and flew away. "Bye, bye stupid humans!" Zim cackled. Then he saw something. "Uh oh…"

"DUCK! DUCK! GOOSE!" Gir shrieked.

"WAKK! WAKKK!"

"STUPID BIRDS!" Zim yelled. "That was close. YIKES!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Watch out! Watch out for the fighter planes and their missiles! YIKES!" Zim shouted.

BOOOOOOM!

"We're hit! We're hit! I think we're okay! Maybe. I don't know! Got to get out of Earth's orbit!" Zim gritted his teeth. "AAAAHHH!"

"AAAHHHHH!" Gir ran around.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Minimoose floated around.

"Gir will you put that stupid moose in his cage or something? He doesn't have a cage? Well then tie him to the ceiling!" Zim yelled. "Dib make yourself useful and do something! Anything! Dib Monkey!"

Dib didn't hear him. He didn't seem to hear anything. He just sat by the window and stared outside. Eventually they were out in space and the Earth grew smaller and smaller until it was a tiny pinpoint. Then the ship stopped but he didn't do anything. He seemed to be in shock.

"Helloooooooooooo! Dib Stink!" Zim waved his hand in front of his face. "Zim is **talking** here! Pay attention!"

"Huh?" Dib looked at him. He didn't seem to be paying attention.

"Dib our power core was damaged in our escape! We are without power. Life support is fine but other than that we're helpless!" Zim said. "Our ship can't move and it's drifting aimlessly. And Gir dismantled the lasers for some reason!"

"Had to make room for pie!" Gir chirped happily as he stood next to Zim.

"He had to make room for pie," Zim said sarcastically. "We are going to float in space aimlessly and get blown up by the first rogue ship that comes along, but that doesn't matter because we have **pie!**"

"That's right!" Gir said happily.

"We are all going to die," Zim slapped his hand to his face.

"Oh is **that** all?" Dib sighed as he lay on the floor on his back. "Who cares?"

"Our imminent death is **not** a problem to you?" Zim snapped.

"Zim there's no point to anything! My whole life is one stupid cosmic joke! I've spent the past year and a half trying to protect the human race from an alien invasion but the Earth is **already** conquered by aliens! And my mission to protect humanity is an even bigger joke because it turns out I'm not considered a part of it!" Dib snapped. "I never had a mother! My father is really my donor! I was born in a freaking lab like some mold!"

Zim decided to skip the obvious insults for now. "And that's a bad thing **why?"**

"It's a human thing Zim," Dib said. "You wouldn't get it."

"What I don't get is why you have decided to give up because of something so stupid and trivial as being born from a test tube!" Zim was furious. "At least you were born the right way instead of the disgusting human way! Why we Irkens haven't had a so called natural birth in over seven hundred thousand centuries! And we like it that way!"

"Well maybe that's acceptable on **your** planet Zim but not on Earth!" Dib shouted. "It's so ironic. All my life I've been trying to track down the paranormal and the weird…and it turns out **I'm** the very subject of my own search! It's funny! Ha! HA! HA!"

The way Dib laughed didn't convince Zim that Dib was all right. "Okay you are **not** handling this well…"

"Zim, I lost my human identity, my father, my sister and my planet in one hour! How am I **supposed** to be handling this?" Dib yelled. "Maybe I should sing a song? _I'm a complete failure! Life is not worth living! La la la!" _

"Okay normally I would be enjoying this but quite frankly right now this is disturbing me," Zim groaned. "And it takes a lot to disturb Zim!"

_"Dib is a clone! Dib is all alone! La la la la la!" _Dib kept singing in a very disturbed voice.

"Seriously…You're starting to creep me out," Zim folded his arms and shuddered.

"He's wigging out!" Gir said. "I'd better go protect the nachos." He walked away. But because the spacecraft was rather small he walked right into a wall. "Who put that wall there?"

_"Nothing really matters! Anyone can see…"_ Dib was half hysterical now. "_Nothing really matters to meeeeeeeeee!"_

"Dib your cracking up is really inconvenient right now!" Zim shouted. "I need you to help me think up a way to fix the ship! Come on! Snap out of it!"

"Why didn't my father…? Why didn't Membrane help me?" Dib was starting to cry. "Maybe he's right? I am defective! I mean that explains a lot! Why my head is so big for one thing."

"You know that **does** explain why your head is so large," Zim blinked. "You would think a genius scientist wouldn't make a mistake like that. Go figure."

"He must have screwed up the formula and that's why I'm so defective," Dib sniffed. "I am just a big headed defective **freak!**"

"All right that is **it!**" Zim grabbed Dib by the collar. "Now you listen to me Dib Stink Brain! You are **not **defective because of the way you were born! I mean you've thwarted all my efforts to rule the Earth and blew up half of my planet! That is **not** within the capabilities of someone who is defective! Look at me! I've blown up half of my planet twice! I've caused destruction unparalleled to anything in the history of Irk! I was so dangerous that the Tallest gave me a fake mission…"

Zim blinked. "So technically I never had a mission to take over your planet and so all my work was for nothing so it didn't matter if I ever conquered your world or not…Because I wasn't a real invader. And they called me a defect just because I blew a lot of stuff up and killed a few hundred Irkens accidentally…And the Tallest tried to get me killed a lot of times…Gave me fake robot with the intelligence of a burnt sponge…You know I'm starting to get the impression that the Tallest never liked me very much."

Then it hit Zim. "Oh snickles…What if I **am **defective? That would explain a lot." He let go of Dib and then fell to the floor next to him on his back. "I mean instead of being an invader I'm an outcast stuck with a human in a space ship that has no power and no food and will probably fall into a sun or something…"

"Way to give me a pep talk Zim," Dib grumbled.

"They tried to kill me! Why would they do that to Zim? All I have ever done is try to please them!" Zim was starting to get hysterical himself. "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

"Zim if you are done having your nervous breakdown, can we get back to **mine?**" Dib snapped. "Oh forget it! Okay that's it! I give up! I'm ready now!"

"Ready for what?" Zim asked.

"Your mind control discombobulation whatever it is!" Dib closed his eyes and braced himself. "Go on! Do it! Get it over with! Turn my brains into mush! I don't need them anymore anyway! Just put me out of my misery and let me sink into brainless oblivion!"

"Oh right…" Zim remembered. "About that…Heh, you are going to laugh at this. I lied. There is no brain control thingy. Just uh, forget about all that."

"What do you mean **forget** about it?" Dib gave him a look. "You've been freaking me out with that stupid thing for a week and now you tell me to **forget** about it?"

"It was all a lie, so…" Zim said.

"Now you listen to me Zim!" Dib reached over and grabbed Zim by the collar. "You've been promising me that my brains would become cottage cheese and I expect you to deliver on it! I want you to turn me into a zombie slave right now! I **command** you!"

"You **can't** command me to turn you into a zombie slave!" Zim shouted.

"Oh yes I can!" Dib shouted. "Do it!"

"I can't! There never was any mind control whatever I called it! I only said that because I could not tell you the truth which is a thousand times worse!" Zim snapped.

"Worse? What could be **worse** than having your brain turned into cottage cheese and becoming a zombie slave to an alien invader?" Dib yelled.

"You really wish to know? Because once I tell you the horrible truth I can not un-tell you!" Zim said.

"Oh go ahead! You **can't **make this day any more suckier than it already is!" Dib yelled. "Go ahead! I dare you!"

"Oh you **dare** me?"

"Yes I dare you!"

"You dare to dare Zim?"

"I dare to dare to dare **you** alien!"

"Oh you dare me to dare you to dare me, clone?"

"Don't use the C-Word and tell me already!" Dib yelled.

"All right. I will," Zim took a deep breath. "Remember when you stole my PAK? And it attached itself to your germy wormy human body?"

"Vividly."

"Well during that transition my superior Irken DNA got mixed in with your second hand human DNA in your body and vice versa," Zim remarked. "That DNA mingled and integrated with both our systems to the point where we are now almost completely bonded."

"Bonded? What do you mean **bonded**?" Dib looked at him.

"Our bodies are almost in synch and are at a point where there's a physical and mental symbiotic coexistence," Zim explained. "You and I are linked permanently in a bond from which we can never break."

"And by bond you mean…?" Dib winced.

"It's **not** a mating thing," Zim rolled his eyes. "I believe the term 'blood brothers' is more apt. On Irk when two Invaders have similar minds and combine their DNA through the exchange of either blood or a clear fluid created on their antennae. It creates a bonding for companionship in battle and conquest. We call it War Brother. Or Bond Brother. The Tallest Purple and Red are examples of that."

"So we're…" Dib's eyes widened.

"Connected. Yes," Zim grunted. "Forever."

"And that's why I've been seeing your memories?" Dib asked. "And knowing when you're nearby?"

"And vice versa with me," Zim said.

"Oh…" Dib blinked as he fell on his back and looked at the ceiling. "Zim…?"

"Yeah…"

"I have one more question."

"Go ahead and ask."

"This ship does have a self destruct button doesn't it?" Dib asked.

"Yes but Gir fooled around with the system so it would give out whipped cream topping instead," Zim sighed.

"Whip cream nachos rule!" Gir chirped as he sat by a tube covered in whipped cream.

"Oh great…" Dib groaned. "This is the **suckiest** day of my life!"

"This is not exactly in the top ten of pleasant memories for me either, Dib!" Zim snapped. "The only comfort I can take in this **revolting** development is that you were born in a correct Irken way and at least have the proper skills befitting a warrior of my people!"

"Oh like this is such an **honor** for me?" Dib yelled. "The only good thing about this is that you have half a brain which is more than what I can say for most of the people on Earth and are just as big a loser as I am!"

"That's **two** things, idiot!"

"Well **you** said two things dummy!"

"Oh right," Zim blinked. "I did."

"Yeah you did! And why the hell did you save my life anyway?" Dib asked. "In fact why did you just blow your cover like that?"

"I don't know! Normally I enjoy seeing you in pain but at that moment…The way they were treating you just because you were born different seemed…Wrong," Zim frowned.

"Oh…" Dib blinked. "Well I guess I should thank you. For the thought anyway."

"To tell the truth…I couldn't leave a worthy adversary such as you to get torn to pieces by those ungrateful slug worms," Zim shrugged. "I mean you fight for them and what thanks do you get? Tossed aside! Ha! Ungrateful!"

"Yeah well…For what it's worth I think your people really didn't appreciate you either," Dib admitted.

"Really?" Zim blinked.

"Well yeah. You're a great invader. I mean you're good at blowing stuff up and thinking up schemes," Dib said. "Oh crap. Are we **complementing** each other?"

"Ugh. We are. Bleach!" Zim stuck out his tongue.

"It must be the lack of oxygen in here…" Dib groaned.

"Yes that is it," Zim agreed. "The lack of air is affecting our brains."

"Making us say stuff we shouldn't," Dib agreed.

"There's plenty of oxygen in here," Gir said.

"NO, THERE ISN'T GIR!" Both Dib and Zim shouted at each other.

Suddenly a huge blinding light shone on their ship. "What's that?" Dib yelled. A huge black ship loomed over the Voot Cruiser.

"It looks like a Borgia ship…" Zim gulped as they jumped up. "They followed us! They've got us in a tractor beam! We can't get out!"

"Okay this is it," Dib gulped as the ship swallowed their smaller ship into it's cargo hold. "We're gonna die…"

"I'm afraid so," Zim grabbed a blaster. "They're boarding us."

"Well…I'm not gonna die without a fight!" Dib shouted making fists.

"Neither will I!" Zim agreed. "We will die like Invaders!"

CLANK! CLANK!

"Here it comes…" Dib gulped as they were being boarded.

"Zim will not be taken alive! AAAHHHHH!" Zim attacked with Dib as the hatch opened.

BAM! BAM!

"OW! That hurts!" Zim whined has he rubbed his face.

"Oh that was not good," Dib moaned.

"Can't you two idiots do **anything** without me?" Gaz sighed, looking very bored.

"Gaz? Is that you?" Dib was stunned.

"What the splotch are you doing here?" Zim was stunned.

"Saving your stupid hides. What else?" Gaz rolled her eyes. "Besides I finished my game. Stupid game. Even the ending was lame. I can't believe I wasted two weeks on it."

"Gaz? Gaz! You came for me!" Dib grabbed her in a hug and started to cry. "You **do** care about me!"

"Get **off **me!" Gaz shoved him off. "Idiot."

"You came! You came!" Dib squealed with glee.

"Why didn't you help us back on Earth?" Zim snapped.

"Because I knew if I did I'd be killed too like you two morons!" Gaz yelled. "So when no one was looking I grabbed a ship and followed your trail. Wasn't hard."

"How did you steal a Borgia ship?" Zim asked.

"I told you. It wasn't hard," Gaz said. "They have a bunch of 'em parked in a secret hangar underneath Dad's lab. And someone left the keys in the ignition."

"Oh right. Borgia do tend to do that," Zim nodded.

"It doesn't matter! You came for me! You do love me! You **do** love me!" Dib cried as he grabbed her feet.

Gaz twitched and almost kicked Dib off. "Give him a break. He's having a hard day," Zim told her.

"More like the Suckiest Day Ever!" Dib sniffed as he stood up. "So you don't hate me for being a clone?"

"Well I kind of already knew about it," Gaz admitted. "I remember Dad bringing you into my crib and telling me that you were older. Oh and one other incident…"

_**FLASHBACK…**_

Some years ago Dib is running past Gaz and Membrane on the couch. "THE GHOST BEES ARE BACK! THE GHOST BEES ARE BACK! I GOTTA BUST THE GHOST BEES!"

"Oh great…He's at it again," Gaz grumbled.

"Gaz…Honey…" Membrane sighed. "Do me a favor. The next time I make a clone of myself, make sure I keep it the full nine months in the decanting tank instead of the seven and a half I did with Dib."

CLOMP! CLOMP! CLUNK!

"I think I took him out of the lab a little too soon," Membrane sighed.

"No? Ya think?" Gaz asked sarcastically.

"AAGGGHH! TAKE THAT YOU BUZZING BEES FROM BEYOND! AH HA!" Dib could be heard thrashing around upstairs in his room.

"Also tell me not to use any growth serum containing ultra diatlatoholithide plus," Membrane sighed. "Just got the final results back from the lab. Apparently it **does **cause some mental instability."

"Gotcha," Gaz said.

_**FLASHBACK ENDS!**_

"And you _never mentioned_ this to me **why?**" Dib yelled.

"I dunno. The subject just never came up," Gaz shrugged.

"You have to admit that's not the easiest thing to work into a conversation," Zim shrugged.

Gaz added something, "I also checked your birth certificate Dad made up. It says you're really ten and a quarter instead of eleven. Dad moved you up a grade because you were smart and stuff. And something about you maturing faster than he thought in a tank when he used that diala…whatever it was. Wasn't paying attention."

"Wait a minute…Gaz you're ten and a half," Dib blinked. "So if I'm ten and a quarter that means…?"

"Right," Gaz smirked. "I'm the **older** sister."

"Okay…" Dib blinked then stared into space. "And that completes the 'Everything I Knew Was Wrong Theme' for the day."

"And the reason you never told Dib is why?" Zim raised an antennae.

"No girl likes to admit her **real age**," Gaz snorted.

"Seriously?" Zim asked.

"Okay I just never wanted to be in the same class as Dib," Gaz admitted. "It was bad enough being in the same **skool** as Dib!"

"Wait how did you follow us?" Zim asked.

"Dib has a tracking chip implanted into his body," Gaz said. "They put them in all kids at school so we wouldn't get lost or something. I took mine out a long time ago and put it in a stuffed rabbit."

"Oh right I remember that," Zim nodded.

"We gotta take it out so they can't track us any more," Gaz took out a painful looking device. "Fortunately the Borgia are too busy with the Irken Invasion to go looking for us but just to be safe…"

"Oh…Okay," Dib rolled up his sleeve and braced for the pain.

"Guess again Dib," Gaz gave him a look.

"Uh other arm?" Dib asked.

"Nope."

"My foot?"

"Getting warmer," Gaz rolled her eyes.

"My head?" Dib gulped.

"Way cold," Gaz let out an annoyed breath.

"You mean…?" Dib gulped.

"Uh huh," Gaz handed Zim the device. "Here, you do it."

"I'm not taking it out!" Zim yelled.

"Well I'm not gonna do it," Gaz said. "And I wouldn't trust Gir to do it."

Gir was happily banging his head on the wall. "It's gotta be you," Gaz said. "Besides you get to cause my brother embarrassing pain."

"But I have to look at his stinky butt to do it!" Zim yelled. "The sight of his ugly behind will **blind** Zim!"

"This is the Suckiest Day **Ever!**" Dib yelled.

"Just drop your pants and you alien up and do it!" Gaz ordered.

"At least give me a blindfold!" Zim begged.

"Look we'll just do this really quickly," Dib unbuckled his pants and prepared to pull them down.

"This is some kind of torture!" Zim yelled. "I will **sue!"**

"**I'm** the one who's getting zapped in the butt and **you're** complaining about it?" Dib yelled. "We'll do it on three…One…Two…"

"I'm going to be sick…" Zim prepared to use the device.

"THREE!" Dib pulled down his pants and braced himself. Gaz turned away just before Zim used the device. "YEWOWWWWW! OH MOMMA THAT'S PAINFUL!"

"YEOWWW! THAT HURTS!" Zim screamed as he hopped around rubbing his behind as well. "OH THE AGONY! THAT WAS NOT FUN AT ALL! NOT FUN!"

"Tough Zim! You can't hurt me anymore now that we're bonded!" Dib taunted. "OWWWW! My pain is now your pain! HA! OW!"

"CURSE YOU DIB! AND CURSE THE BONDING! OWWWW!" Zim shook his fist. "Oh wait…The pain is gone now."

"You're what?" Gaz did a double take. "Bonded as in…Uh…"

"It's not a mating thing!" Zim snapped. "We're just bonded as brothers chemically and mentally for eternity."

Gaz blinked and turned to Dib. "Did I mention I'm having the Suckiest Day **Ever?"** Dab asked her in a high pitched voice as he pulled his pants back up.

"No kidding," Gaz blinked. "Look do you want to stop the Irken invasion of Earth and get rid of the Borgias or not?"

"Sure why not?" Dib sighed.

"It's not like we have anything better to do," Zim agreed as they followed Gaz into her ship.


	9. When Idiot Worlds Collide

**When Idiot Worlds Collide**

"So this is Earth," Red growled as the Massive and a large chunk of what was left of the Irken Fleet arrived. "It's very…blue."

"Who'd have thought that a planet so remote and technologically inferior could have caused so much trouble?" Purple threw up his hands.

"Sir, according to our scanners this planet doesn't even have decent defense shields," An aide spoke.

"No defense shields? This is going to be **easy!**" Purple snickered.

"Put up all information we have on Earth on the monitor," Red ordered. "That's probably the **one thing** Zim did do right was having his computer record all the data on this planet and put it in our databanks."

"Ugh! Those are humans? They're **hideous!** I mean I thought that Dib creature was ugly enough but…" Purple struggled not to get sick at the sight of humans.

"There's more sir, please direct your attention to the lower screen," A somewhat tall aide spoke. There were images of pest control devices, pest control services, insects being gassed or stomped on to the song 'Kill that Roach'.

"They **kill** insect based life forms?" Purple shuddered in horror. "Oh the horror! The horror!"

"Insect based life forms are considered disgusting and abhorrent on this world," The aide explained.

"Oh if ever there was a planet _begging_ to be blown up it's **this one**!" Red snarled. "Prepare for invasion! No! Not just an invasion! An annihilation! Operation Annihilate the Earth!"

"Weird how Invaders Sklell, Deegee, Nib and Kip didn't show up with their ships," Purple mused. "They called and they all said they had engine trouble and couldn't make it to the invasion. Come to think of it Invaders El and Pesto and a few others didn't show up either."

"Forget those losers! We'll deal with them later! After we've blown up the Earth into a billion pieces!" Red snapped. "Wait I just thought of a better name. Operation Blow Up The Earth Into A Million Pieces! MUHA HA HA HA HA!"

Meanwhile back on Earth the President was meeting with several generals and his war council in the really big war room.

"Gentlemen we are in a crisis to end all crisis!" The President spoke, looking and sounding suspiciously like Steven Colbert. "I don't need to tell you what's at stake here! Not only is the freedom and survival of the whole human race in danger, I could lose the next election if this goes really badly! So what's the news?"

"Sir, every country in the world has agreed to use every single one of it's nuclear weapons to destroy the Invaders!" A soldier saluted. "Even Iceland!"

"Iceland? Since when did they have nukes?" Another soldier asked.

"Technically none, they just rent them from us," A general explained.

"Mister President! They're coming!" General Guffaw shouted on the monitor from his post.

"All right everyone, you know the drill," The President said. "While our armies take out the aliens we assume defensive maneuver number one! HIDE UNDER THE DESK UNTIL THIS IS ALL OVER!" He and his cabinet dove under the desk. "Oooh! I found some candy!"

Outside the city General Guffaw was at his war bunker preparing his troops. "Scramble all fighters! Prepare the nukes and all missiles!" He ordered. "And let me at the really big button!"

He went over to a huge button which was labeled BIGGEST NUCLEAR WEAPON WE'VE GOT. "Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes!" The General ordered.

"Uh sir, I don't think they have whites in their eyes," A soldier corrected.

"Really? Oh well just hold your fire until I say so!" The General prepared to push the button. "I'm gonna personally fire the first shot and blast those disgusting green skinned aliens into atoms!"

Back on the Massive: "Oh I am going to **enjoy **this!" Red sneered as he went over to the controls of the really big laser on the Massive. "I am personally going to fire the first shot and blast those disgusting pink and whatever other colored skinned aliens into sub atomic particles!"

"Here they come!" General Guffaw snarled. "Come and get us you butt ugly…"

"Disgusting pus filled…" Red snarled as he prepared to attack.

"Slimy bug eyed…" General Guffaw prepared to fire his really big cannon.

"Hairy stinky monkey brained…" Red aimed his blaster cannon.

"Disgusting unnatural…" General Guffaw put his hand on the trigger.

"Inferior primitive…" Red prepared to fire.

"FREAKS!" Both Red and General Guffaw shouted at the same time. And they prepared their weapons.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

ZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

"TAKE THAT EARTH! HA HA HA HA!" Red cackled.

"Sir, you just shot a big block of ice at the top of the planet," An Invader remarked.

"Well yeah! As everyone knows if you want to wreck a planet start at the top!" Red snapped.

"I thought you always started at the bottom, you know by destroying the foundation?" Purple asked.

"That's only for burning stuff on the ground. For planets you start at the top," Red explained. Then the Massive shook.

"They're firing on us sir!" An Invader shouted.

"I can see that!" Red snapped. "FIRE BACK!"

"Shields on the Massive and most of our ships are holding," An invader reported as the Massive shook. "Holy crap! There's missiles coming out from all over the planet! There must be thousands of them!"

"So what? Our ships can handle them," Purple waved.

BOOOOOOOOM!

A smaller ship next to the Massive was blown up by a bomb. "Well most of our ships can handle them," Purple said. "Keep firing!"

"I've got a better idea!" Red grinned. "All ships, increase reflective defense shields by fifty percent! Then hit repel forward thrusters! Now!"

The defense shields activated and most of the nuclear weapons hit them, but surprisingly didn't deactivate. Instead they fell backwards towards the Earth.

In the Borgia's secret stronghold…

"Oh this can't be good," A Borgia winced as the nuclear bombs started falling back to Earth and landed all over the planet.

"I **told** you we should have given these humans defense shields!" Sneer snapped. "But noooooooooo! You said we didn't have to worry about that!"

"We had to advance their technology so it could handle the basic components first!" Bitters growled. "Any idiot knows that! It's not our fault the majority of these humans are so stupid! Even Membrane isn't exactly the sharpest tack in the bunch! Not to mention those idiot humans in charge kept demanding we make other weapons that are outdated!"

"Well duh! They kept insisting on making nuclear warheads! Good thing most of them aren't landing near our base!" Another Borgia snarled.

"But that's gonna screw up the environment for quite a while," Miss Bitters groaned. "Even for our people!"

"It's not like the humans weren't gonna do it to themselves sooner or later," Another Borgia grumbled. "Why don't we send out our own advanced weapons?"

"We sent most of them to take down that stupid robot that trashed half the city!" Another Borgia said. "By the time we destroyed the robot, nearly all our weapons were gone! And what few are left are in the hands of the army and air force."

"So basically what you're saying is that we're going to have to rely on the **humans** to take care of this problem?" Bitters snarled. "Great! We're doomed!"

The Invaders were having a few problems of their own.

"Look it's basic Invading 101. You go down, blow a bunch of stuff up and take over the capital city of a planet. Take the city you take the world! So what do you mean this planet doesn't have only **one** capital city?" Purple shouted at an aide.

"Well according to our intelligence these humans are not a united species," The aide explained. "They're always at war with each other and stuff."

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"They look pretty united to me!" Purple shouted as a nuclear warhead hit one of the many satellites zooming around the planet. The space debris from the explosion hit all the ships. It damaged several of them.

Back on Earth…

"Dang it Krelborne! How could you miss? You hit one of our satellites!" General Guffaw snapped at a subordinate.

"It was only a Nickelodeon Satellite," The private protested.

"Oh well never mind then," General Guffaw shrugged. "Never did like children's programming. Too soft and mushy. Except for that one show where they advertised those military toys. Now that wasn't so bad!"

"Sir all our nuclear weapons are doing is mostly scratching their ships and wrecking our planet!" Another soldier said.

"Did you try our experimental biological weapons?" Guffaw asked.

"Yes Sir but they got repelled too and are falling all over the Earth," The soldier said. "They're not really good for fighting enemies in space Sir."

"Well what can we use to get them?" General Guffaw snarled.

"I believe **I **have the answer to that General!" Membrane strode in. Behind him rose a very big blue laser on a platform. "**Science** to the rescue!"

"What is that contraption?" General Guffaw asked.

"This is my Quasi Positronic Atomic Reactivator Beam!" Membrane posed dramatically. "It shoots out a beam of combined anti matter, positrons and refracted light particles guaranteed to destroy Earth's enemies!"

"You mean it's a laser?" A soldier asked.

"Well if you want to over simplify it," Membrane shrugged. "Yes."

"You sure this sucker will work?" Guffaw asked.

"General this weapon is so easy to use a ten year old can handle it," Membrane guffawed as he took the controls.

**KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

A purple beam of pure destruction blazed through the sky and the stars.

Missing every single Invader ship and hitting the moon. Huge chunks of the moon were blown to kingdom come. In fact a part of the moon seemed to fall off and crumble like a cookie.

"Did they just shoot their own **moon**?" Purple blinked.

"I believe they did," Red blinked.

Back on Earth…

"Sir about fifteen percent of the moon's mass has been destroyed," A scientist with an Indian accent called out. "By my calculations that will change the intensity of the Earth's tidal waves and their intensity by at least thirty five to fifty eight percent."

"Which means?" General Guffaw blinked.

"If you have any beachfront property in Florida, I would advise selling it," The scientist spoke. "On the other hand this might be a good time to get some beach front property in **Nebraska!"**

Everyone glared at Membrane. "Uh did I mention that this weapon is a prototype?" Membrane gulped.

"Somebody get me a ten year old that can actually **shoot** something!" General Guffaw yelled.

Interesting choice of words…

"Zim is this **all** the information you have on the Borgias?" Gaz asked as she looked at the data pad she held in her hand.

"Yes. And there's a locator in there where you can find their nest. All Borgias have to return to their nest and mentally link with each other after twenty hours for at least twenty minutes. When a fight like this occurs they always cluster together for safety. Are you **sure** this plan of yours will work?" Zim folded his arms.

"Positive. Just wait for my signal. Okay Dib, you and Zim take care of the Irken Fleet," Gaz said. "Think you can **handle** that?"

"Pfft! We trashed an entire planet," Zim snorted. "I think we can handle one tiny little fleet. Especially since you helped me install new lasers and weapons in my Voot Cruiser."

"Uh huh, just get rid of them and don't screw up," Gaz said. "Gir! You and the moose come with me! It's time to blow up some Borgias."

Zim and Dib got into Zim's ship and Gaz took off on her own ship. "So how are we going to blow up the entire Irken fleet with only **one** ship?" Dib asked.

"That little review of my past back on Irk gave me a perfect idea," Zim worked on the computer. "I just need a few minutes to program and…Dib I need you to go get a target practice disk out of that storage compartment there. That is if Gir hasn't substituted it for a cupcake or something."

"Nope," Dib looked in the compartment. "Waffles."

"Great. We need a target practice disk for this to work. Preferably more than two of them. Wait a minute…I've got it!" Zim snapped his fingers. "We'll fly over to that last ship in the back of the fleet and get it there!"

"Are you crazy? They're going to blow us up out of the sky as soon as they recognize us!" Dib said.

"They won't recognize **us**," Zim smirked as he pushed several buttons. "Uh could you stand over there for a minute? About two feet from where you are now?"

"Uh okay…" Dib did so.

"A little more to the left," Zim waved. "Now a step back. Perfect! Hold still!"

"Why?" Dib asked. Then he looked up and saw a metal chamber hover over him. "This is going to be painful isn't it?"

"You get used to it," Zim shrugged as he pulled the lever.

"YEWOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Dib screamed in pain as the device came down on him and did it's work. "I DON'T WANT TO GET USED TO IT!"

Five minutes later….

"This is never going to work…" Dib groaned.

"Yes it will! And try to act like an Irken instead of a stupid hu-man!" Zim hissed. "They're hailing us!"

An Irken Invader was soon on screen. "This is Invader Glin on the ship Missive Three. Who is this?"

But it wasn't Dib they saw. They saw an Irken with black glasses and a very strange tuft of scythe like hair between his antennae. "This is Invader Mem! I had some engine trouble and got here late," Dib did his best Irken imitation. "Uh do you mind if I come over and borrow some of your power tools and stuff? My SIR Unit is malfunctioning."

Zim looked like an imitation of GIR. Well if Gir was made out of silver cardboard. "Beep, bopp, boop! Waffles!"

"What the flork happened to it?" The Invader blinked.

"It got damaged when that **idiot** Zim and that dangerous human fought on Irk!" Dib got into the role. "I'm lucky to be alive!"

"Oh well that explains it," Glin nodded. "Between you and me I'm amazed there's a fleet left! That Zim is a menace!"

"Tell me about it! I can't stand that **incompetent loser!"** Dib got into character. "If I ever get my hands on that loathsome, idiotic, **stupid**…"

"Beep, bopp, **WAFFLES!**" Zim interrupted, waving his arms wildly. "WAFFLES!"

"All right! I **get** it!" Dib snapped. He shrugged. "Slave robots. What are you gonna do?"

"Yeah I had a problem similar to that last month. Took forever for the geniuses at the manufacturing plant to get the bugs out," Glin nodded. "Prepare to dock in hangar bay 9."

"Good, by the way do you happen to have any spare target practice disks?" Dib asked. "My SIR unit used them all and replaced them with waffles."

"Oh yeah there's a whole ton of them in Hangar Bay 9," Glin nodded. "Wait what do you need to practice for? There's a whole planet down there to shoot!"

"Oh uh well you know what they taught us at the academy! Always be prepared and keep your ship in tip top shape!" Dib improvised.

"I think they only meant to keep enough snacks on board in case the Tallest arrive for a surprise inspection," Glin blinked. "On the other hand it would be like those jerks to complain about one **little** thing that's not perfect!"

"Oh yes, the stories I have heard like that **one guy** who did that one little thing…" Dib went on.

"I know! I heard!" Glin nodded. "Who checks to see if there are purple and red frosting on donuts and cookies? It's insane! Especially on a **fire** planet!"

"Well of course they are going to burn," Dib said. "It's a fire planet."

"Yeah it wasn't Invader Plin's fault! Banishing him to Foodcourtia was way overkill!" Glin agreed.

"BEEP! WAFFLES! WAFFLES!" Zim shouted waving his arms. "NO TIME FOR WAFFLES! INVASION!"

"Oh right that," Dib nodded. "Well I'll dock my ship and get the supplies I need! The sooner I fix this **defective unit** over here the sooner I can get back to the invasion!"

"Good idea," Glin nodded. "Glin out."

Back on the Massive…

"What about this one?" Several aides were surrounding Red and Purple pointing to spots on a map.

"Too stinky," Another aide said. "What about this one?"

"Too remote," Another aide spoke up.

"How about this one?" A third aide asked.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Too blown up," Purple said.

"Just pick **one** capital and invade it!" Red snapped. "How hard is that?"

"Ooh! How about Paris! I've heard good things about it!" Purple looked at a map of Earth. "They have really tasty food there!"

"What about Rome? I could go for some Italian even though I have no idea what it tastes like," Another aide said.

"Oh for Irk's sake! **I'll** pick!" Red snapped. "Here! Right **here!** Send our forces here!" He pointed to the map.

"But it's not an official capital," Purple said.

"It's the capital of **Insanity**!" Red snapped. "That's where Zim has been hiding out and it's also where that wretched Dib creature lives! That's good enough for me!"

"I don't see Insanity on the map," An aide studied it.

"Must be in the suburbs," Another shrugged.

"Just get our ground units down there!" Red shouted.

Several dozen Invader ships managed to land in the city. Actually it wasn't that hard for them because thanks to their shields they were able to deflect any Earth attacks.

"ATTACK!" The Invaders ran amok on the streets of the city.

"I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE BACKED THAT IMMIGRATION BILL!" A man yelled at another man as the Invaders chased them with their laser guns. "I SAID WE NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT ILLEGAL ALIENS! YOU AND YOUR LIBERAL BLEEDING HEART CRAP! WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER FOR THIS NOW HUH SMART GUY?"

"LET'S JOIN THE NRA!" His companion screamed as the Invaders wreaked havoc.

In the shopping malls…

"Hey look what I found in my size!" A female Invader grabbed a green dress.

"OOH! SHINY JEWELRY!" Another female Invader cackled as she put on some jewelry. "Diamonds are an Invader's best friend!"

"Don't I look fabulous?" A female Invader modeled a dress and some very big shoes to another female Invader.

"Darling those shoes are to die for!" The other female Invader agreed.

"Speaking of dying can we get back to blowing up the humans?" One very annoyed male Invader folded his arms. There was a group of very annoyed male Invaders standing around.

"Just shut up and hold our bags!" One tallish female Invader piled on a bunch of bags and packages onto the male Invaders.

"Oh this is ridiculous!" Another male Invader snapped. "How could females be so stupid as to be attracted to stupid things in a store?"

"Hey look! Big shiny sports stuff!" Another male Invader pointed across the street. "TVS TOO!"

"OOOHHH!" The male Invaders crooned as one. "GOTTA HAVE IT!"

In the upper east side of town…

"AAAHHHHH!" People screamed as the Invaders ran amok. Some were driving expensive cars and crashing into everything.

In the financial section…

"Buy! Buy! Sell! Sell!" An Invader cackled as he shouted on all phones.

"Greed is good!" Another Invader laughed as he threw money everywhere and set some money on fire.

"Yes I think you should all invest in mace, ammunition and canned goods because civilization is going bye bye!" An Invader cackled as he spoke on a phone. The Invaders rampaged through the stock market building. Chasing brokers, setting fire to papers, shredding papers, just playing havoc with the stock market.

In the really poor side of town…

"ATTACK!" Several Irkens charged into the slum areas.

Only to flee for their lives from a barrage of gunfire and thrown knives. "AAAAHHHHH!"

"And **stay out** fools!" Someone shouted.

"Uh let's skip that part of town for now," One Invader suggested to another.

"Get out of our town you stupid bugs!" An old woman with a bug spray can snapped.

"Oh yeah like we're gonna be scared of AGGGGHHH!" An Invader screamed as the old woman used her bug spray. "POISON!"

"Take that you stupid overgrown cockroaches!" The old woman yelled.

Meanwhile Gaz and her crew had landed at the outskirts of the Borgia headquarters on Earth. BOARD OF EDUKATSHON the building sign read. "Well **there's **a shock," Gaz snorted. She pulled out several tools. "Moose, Robot…Let's get to work!"

"YAY!" Gir cheered. Minimoose agreed with a squeak. "We're helping!"

Meanwhile on the Missive Three…

"And those diololcorimonoricon chemicals will also do it," Dib ordered the robots loading his ship with supplies. "And that should do it."

"What are you going to do with all those chemicals?" Glin asked.

"I am going to poison their water and anything else in their atmosphere!" Dib said cheerfully.

"Ooooh! That's twisted. Somebody's bucking for promotion," Glin winked.

"Yes, I think that will be all now," Dib threw himself into the role. "All I need now is my worthless robot slave and I'll be all set for the invasion!"

"Yeah where did that thing go?" Glin looked around.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"What the flork was **that**?" Glin shouted.

"RUN!" Zim screamed. Half of his robot costume was gone. He grabbed Dib and dragged him into the ship.

"Okay! Gotta go back to the invasion! Goodbye now!" Dib yelled as he was dragged into the ship. The ship took off quickly.

"Well that was weird," Glin blinked.

RRRRUMMMBBLEEEEEE!

"What the…?" Glin turned around and saw a huge wave of something orange and gooey rushing towards him. "Oh boy…"

BRRRRRRUMMMBBLEEEE!

The Missive Three was covered in explosions and some kind of gooey film all over it. "One invading ship down, the rest of the armada to go," Zim cackled.

"Do I **want** to know what you did to their engine?" Dib asked as he removed his Invader costume.

"Uh not really unless you like stories about cheese," Zim shrugged as he finished his work. "There, just these two disks should do it but I'm gonna program 'em all to be safe."

"Good because the invasion is really getting worse," Dib said as he and Zim looked over the battle.

"The armada will be no problem once our plan is in motion. What about the army on the ground?" Zim asked. "How are we gonna take care of them?"

"That's what all these chemicals are for," Dib grinned. "We're gonna saturate the clouds and make it rain."

"Rain? Ooohhhh!" Zim nodded. "Now Zim remembers! The Irken army has no defenses against the wettening!"

"Yeah why is that?" Dib asked. "Are you just allergic to water in general or is it something in the water?"

"Hey when something works I don't ask how I just let it ride," Zim shrugged as he sent out the two homing disks through a chute out to the ship.

"Good plan," Dib nodded. "By my calculations by throwing in these chemicals into this combination in the clouds will start the precipitation immediately."

"Huh?" Zim blinked.

"By throwing this stuff together I'll make it rain," Dib gave him a look. "I just need some kind of chemical infuser and distributor."

"Over there on the left," Zim pointed.

"Oh thanks," Dib nodded. Then went to work.

Back on Earth the invasion took a different turn.

"GET 'EM TROOPS!" The older woman rallied her troops of mostly elderly and shopkeepers. They sprayed the Invaders with all the bug spray they could find.

"AAGGHHH! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?" Several Invaders choked on the poison.

"HEY! I GOT AN ADVANCED LASER BLASTER HERE!" One Invader pointed at the older woman.

"Yeah and I got some **Raid!**" The older woman snapped as she blasted the poison in his face.

"GET 'EM BETTY!" The crowd yelled.

"AAGKKK! YOU'RE NOT PLAYING FAIR!" The Invader coughed and choked.

"Get off my planet you stinking little green piece of **crap!**" Betty kicked the choking Invader into some garbage. Then she turned around and ordered. "BRING OUT THE DOG WALKING BRIGADE!"

WOOF! WOOF! BARK! WOOF! WOOF!

"AAAGGGH! GET THESE MUTTS AWAY FROM ME!" Several Invaders ran from some very big and little dogs.

"I AM NOT A CHEW TOY!" One Invader was shaken about in the jaws of a Great Dane.

"THE NRA TO THE RESCUE!" Several biker humans yelled as they waved guns around and started shooting.

"The Southside Ladies Gun Club is here too!" Several women with guns started to fire on the aliens.

"The Girl Scouts are here! And to think! So many parents complained when I insisted that the girls get a merit badge in sharp shooting and hunting!" A female Troop leader tittered. "BLOW 'EM UP GIRLS!"

"Don't forget us in the Mafia…I mean…A bunch of businessmen that happen to have guns!" Several gangsters also drove up well armed. And they started to shoot at the Invaders.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"AAAHHHH!" More Invaders ran away. "THEY HAVE GUNS! THEY HAVE A LOT OF GUNS!"

BANG! BOOOOOM!

One Invader was shot to pieces. "They may not have as advanced weaponry as we do," Another Invader told the others. "But what they **do** have is pretty effective!"

"Why can't we just use Doom Walkers to attack?" Another Invader asked. "Or our maim bots? Or even our plasma tanks?"

"Because Zim and Dib **destroyed **them all Goop for Brains!" A third Invader shouted. "We're doomed!"

"Just hold on! We knew there would be some kind of resistance!" Invader Bik, the Invader in charge of the ground assault called his troops. "Just hold on! It's not like they don't have any other secret weapons that can hurt us!"

Drip…Drip…Drip….

"Huh? What the splork is this stuff?" Invader Bik asked. As he looked up. Some raindrops got in his eye. "AAAHH! I'M BLIND!"

"IT BURNS! IT BURNS! AAAAHHHHH!" The Invaders screamed in agony as it rained.

"These guys can't handle a little **rain?**" One girl scout asked. "Seriously?"

"Get the water balloons," Another girl scout grinned.

Back on the Massive…

"Something is not going well with the invasion on the ground," Red frowned. He turned on the communicator. "What's going on down there?"

"Sir, they have some kind of defenses we weren't prepared for!" One terrified Invader screamed into a communicator while hiding under a leaky deck. "Some kind of wet clear acid that falls from the sky! Our armor is useless against it!"

A drop hit him on the head. "AAAHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"

"Acid? From the **sky**?" Red winced as the screaming hurt his auditory receptions. "What kind of crazy planet **is **this? Purple! Can you…Purple?"

Purple was watching something on another television set. It was a home shopping channel. They were selling some kind of sweater. "Yes I'm a first time buyer and I already love your selection!" Purple remarked as he called in. "Cashmere is so comforting!"

"What are you doing? Are you trying to buy stuff from the people we're trying to invade?" Red yelled.

"But it's so versatile! And it goes with my eyes!" Purple said.

"For crying out loud! Don't you know a post hypnotic suggestion propaganda technique when you **hear** it?" Red snapped. He blasted the monitor with a blaster. "In case you haven't noticed we're in the middle of an invasion!"

"Oh. How's it going?" Purple asked.

"Well our ground troops are having trouble but our planetary assault isn't doing too bad," Red shrugged.

BOOOOOOOOM!

The Massive was rocked by a nearby explosion. "Of course there's still the odd explosion!" Red shrugged. "But you know for every one of our ships they manage to blow up we get at least ten of theirs. So it's pretty much even."

BOOOOOOOM! BOOOOM! BOOOOM! BLAMMMM!

"That sounded like more than **one,**" Purple blinked.

BOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!

"What on Irk…?" Red turned around and went to the bridge. He saw several Irken fighters and warships getting blown up. "**Now** what's going on?"

"Sir! Something is flying around blowing up our ships!" An Invader cried out. "No wait…Two things! Two small round disks hyped up with lasers…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Very powerful lasers," The Invader gulped. "Getting an analysis…"

"Is it some kind of Earth weapon?" Purple asked.

"No, my Tallest!" The Invader gasped. "According to the computer the weapon is from Irk! More specifically…They're target practice disks! Two target disks with advanced settings on their lasers and unusual programming are taking down our ships!"

"Target disks? Our fleet is being taken down by our own **target disks**?" Red gasped.

"I've seen this before…" Purple blinked. "Where have I seen this **before?**"

It came to both of them. "ZIM!"

On Zim's ship both Zim and Dib were shooting at the Invader ships as well. Zim was flying. "WHAOOOOOO! No one can out fly Zim!" Zim cheered.

"Zim are you sure you don't mind blowing up your own ships?" Dib asked.

"Eh, not like I haven't done it before," Zim shrugged. "And this time I've got a **better** reason!"

"This is such fun!" The Computer said cheerfully. "I never get out to blow things up anymore! Oh Zim, the Massive is hailing us!"

"Oh yeah, **now** they want to talk to me!" Zim snapped. "Take a message!"

"Zim! Zim I know you are out there!" Red yelled into the communicator. "Answer me!"

"Zim can't come to the phone right now," Zim's Computer spoke. "Please take a message and we will get back to you whenever we feel like it."

"Did Zim just…Call screen us?" Purple's jaw dropped.

"RRRRRGGGHHHH!" Red snarled. "AAGGGHHH! ATTENTION ALL IRKEN SHIPS! STOP INVADING EARTH! REPEAT! STOP INVADING EARTH! INSTEAD I WANT YOU TO BLOW UP ZIM! REPEAT! YOUR TALLEST WANT YOU TO STOP INVADING EARTH AND **DESTROY** ZIM!"

"Red careful, remember your blood pressure…" Purple warned.

"DESTROY HIM! BLOW HIM OUT OF THE STARS!" Red screamed at his loudest, highest voice. "BLOW HIM UP! BLOW HIM UP! TURN HIM INTO ATOMS! NO, SMALLER THAN ATOMS! SUB ATOMIC PARTICLES! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"

This proved to be a costly move. For two reasons. The first reason was when the Invaders first heard the call. Most of the Invaders in the sky were fighter ships and in dogfights with Earth fighter ships. Stupidly some of them turned around and left their backside unguarded when they started to leave the atmosphere.

The Earth fighters took advantage of this. They kept firing on the Invader ships and many of them were destroyed.

"They're turning tail sir!" One fighter whooped.

"Good! Keep shooting!" General Guffaw ordered.

This is how the Irken Armada lost fifteen percent of their remaining fighter ships. And **this** is how they lost over twenty five percent more.

"Which one is Zim's ship?" An Irken fighter pilot called out. For some reason, the Irken Fighter ships looked almost exactly like Voot Cruisers.

"I think it's that one!" Another said as he shot at another.

"NO! It's not me!" A terrified Irken pilot shouted. "It's not…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

And so several Irken fighter ships started to fire on each other. Not realizing who was Zim's and who wasn't.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Red screamed. "YOU IDIOTS REALLY CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHICH SHIP IS _**ZIM'S?**_ SERIOUSLY?"

"Can't we lock onto his ship's energy signal or something?" Purple asked.

"All Voot Cruisers and Invader Fighters have the same energy signal! No two fighter ships are different!" Red moaned. "I wanna know who's the genius that came up with **that **idea?"

"Uh that was **you**, My Tallest…" An Invader gulped. "In order to make sure the Massive and the lesser main warships stand out more."

"Could you do me a favor after this battle and throw yourself out an **airlock?**" Red snarled at him.

BOOM! BOOM! BLAMMMMOOO!

"You idiots stop firing on each other!" Red yelled over the communicator.

BOOOM!

"That one was the target disks," Purple interjected.

"Look! Zim is over **there!**" Red yelled, pointing to a direction. "OVER THERE!"

"They can't see you Red," Purple said. "Or tell which direction that you're pointing in."

"Fine! All idiots look over there by the Missive Seven! See the ship that's **firing **on it? **That's** Zim!" Red screamed. "FIRE ON IT NOW!"

Of course Zim flew out of the way of the laser fire. The blasts missed Zim and hit the Missive Seven, blowing it up completely. "YOU JUST BLEW UP THE MISSIVE SEVEN!" Red screamed. "YOU MORONS BLEW UP THE WRONG SHIP AGAIN! AND IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOURS THIS TIME!"

"To be fair Zim was always a pretty good pilot," Purple thought aloud.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?" Red yelled.

BOOOOOOOOM!

"And there goes a few more ships thanks to those target practice disks," Purple moaned. "Maybe we should try calling Zim again?"

"There is **no way** I am groveling to that maniac pipsqueak!" Red shouted. "THERE! HE'S OVER THERE! BLAST HIM!"

BOOOOOOM!

"That wasn't him Red," Purple remarked. "He's over there blasting away at the Missive Twelve."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"And once again Zim got out of the way just before our troops shot at him," Purple sighed. "Blowing up the Missive Twelve."

"Try hailing Zim again…" Red snarled. "And the rest of you fighters don't fire at Zim…"

BOOOOOOOOM!

"BLOW UP THOSE STUPID DISCS INSTEAD!" Red yelled. "THINK YOU CAN HANDLE **THAT** YOU MORONS?"

"Hey! There's no need to yell! We're doing the best we can considering the circumstances!" An Invader snapped on the com link.

"Ugh, this invasion is **not** going well," Purple rubbed his head. "Oh wait, I think Zim is hailing us!"

"Finally!" Red grumbled as he turned on the communicator.

"Hello Evil Aliens," Dib remarked as he and Zim were on screen. "This is what happens when you mess with Earth! MUAH HA HA HA HA!"

"What **he** said," Zim shrugged.

"Zim why are you **doing** this?" Red yelled. "I thought you hated Earth and wanted to see it destroyed?"

"I do. But then I realized that because you lied to me and tried to kill me and get me out of the way I hate you two **more**!" Zim shouted. "For all his flaws the Dib has taught me one thing, it doesn't matter what the size of invader on Irk…It matters the size of the invader **in **an Irk! SO TAKE THIS YOU JERKS!"

BOOOOOOOOM!

"Shields holding at seventy five percent," An Invader called out. "We have some damage but not on any vital areas!"

"He fired at us! He actually tried to blow us up!" Purple gasped. "I mean he's come close a few times but that was always by accident. This time he's doing it for real!"

"That's it! I've had it! I'm going to **personally** make sure that the scourge of Zim and his little alien friend never bothers us again!" Red snarled as he went to the controls. "I'M GONNA BLOW THEM BOTH UP MYSELF!"

"He's flying around all over the place! He's too fast!" An Invader yelled.

"Not if we use the Tractor Beam at maximum range and power!" Purple got an idea and turned it on. "I'll increase the gravity so when that ship gets in a range at two feet from us it'll be squashed like a tin can filled with squishy things!"

"And then I'll blow them up! HA HA HA!" Red cackled.

"Sir, our tractor beam is pulling in and destroying all our other ships!" An Invader yelled. "We've just lost five fighters!"

"I DON'T CARE! IT'S WORTH IT AS LONG AS WE GET ZIM!" Red shouted. "AH HA! GOTCHA YA LITTLE FREAKS!"

"We're caught in a tractor beam!" Zim yelled. "They're pulling us in and using the gravity pull to crush us!"

"I've got an idea!" Dib said. "Computer…Locate the Snack Storage section on the Massive!"

"Primary or secondary?" The Computer asked.

"Both!" Dib yelled.

"Snack Storage areas in identified compartments on screen," The Computer put the ship's data on screen.

"Target all firepower to both sections," Dib ordered. "Those sections are unguarded by the shields!"

"Okay first of all this is **my **ship! I give the orders! Secondly…How did you know about the Snack Storage section on the Massive?" Zim asked.

"From **your** memories!" Dib gave him a look. "Remember the time you accidentally jettisoned all those donuts on the Massive while they it was doing maneuvers near Regis 4?"

"Oh yeah," Zim blinked. "I remember that now. Oh I get it! Heh heh…This is gonna be **good!**"

"So…You do want me to target those areas?" The Computer asked.

"YES!" Both Dib and Zim shouted.

"I was just asking," The Computer said as it did what it was told to do. "You don't have to yell."

"Oh I've got you now…" Red cackled as he prepared to fire. "I've got you now! I should have done this a long time ago! Say goodbye Zim! Say **goodbye**…"

BOOOM! BOOOM!

"Fight all you want! Our essential ship components are protected!" Red cackled. "Say goodbye to…"

Suddenly several objects started to float in front of the Massive's bridge window. "OUR SNACKS!" Purple screamed.

"What? No! NO!" Red yelled as several snacks started to clog up the window. "GET OUR SNACKS OUT OF THERE!"

"Sir, some of the snacks are being pulled into the tractor beam!" An Invader yelled. "Their gooey goodness is being pulled in and pummeled! It's leaking into our main systems!"

FLORK! FRRRRUMBBLEE!

"Tractor beam is disabled, my Tallest!" The Invader shouted. "What's left of those snacks have gunked up our other systems! They're leaking into everything! Including…"

KASHOO-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Our main propulsion systems?" Red gulped. "Rendering our ship completely immobile?"

"Yes sir, and by the way a piece of that destroyed moon is headed our way," An Invader pointed. "I know you can't see it on the screen. But it's a big chunk and it's headed straight for us!"

"Actually we can see it," Red looked out the window. "And that is a big hunk of moon."

"Uh oh…" Purple gulped. "This is not good…"

"I think we should get in our escape pod now," Red blinked.

"Good idea," Purple agreed. He looked at the crew. "Invaders…This is a nice ship. I think you should go down with it. Toodles!" The Tallest then ran over to a chute and went down it into a waiting escape pod.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" An Invader screamed. "ARE THEY KIDDING US?"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ABANDON SHIP! EVERY INVADER FOR HERSELF!" The Invaders ran around screaming. "THERE YOU GO WITH THAT SEXIST STUFF AGAIN! JUST SHUT UP AND GET TO THE ESCAPE PODS!"

One Invader was trapped in the chaos and managed to see a very close up image of the moon chunk head straight forward the bridge. "Oh this is gonna hurt…" The Invader winced.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The Massive was destroyed. "The Massive is gone! And so is more than half of our fleet!" An Invader on the Missive Eleven screamed. "What do we do Captain?"

"Get the flork out of here!" The Invader Captain in charge of the Missive Eleven yelled. "What do you **think** we should do?"

"Retreating does sound like a good idea," The first Invader agreed as another Irken ship blew up.

"CALL THE RETREAT! RETREAT!" The cry went out.

"There are some escape pods from the Massive!" One Invader called on another ship.

"Pick up every survivor you can!" An Invader ordered. "We're getting the Fleck out of here!"

"Don't forget **us!**" An Invader flying a ship that had landed on Earth zoomed past them. "No wonder that planet hasn't been conquered yet! That place is **crazy!"**

"We barely got out of there with our lives!" Another Invader on that same ship shouted. "Acid falling from the sky! Insane natives armed to the teeth with guns and poison…**Dogs!** It's madness down there! **Madness!**"

"If those savages want that planet so bad they can **have** it! I wanna go home!" Another Invader wailed.

"Zim! We did it!" Dib yelled. "They're retreating!"

"Good now we can do **phase two!"** Zim yelled. "Where's that satellite?"

"Over there! Transmitting data and programming now!" Dib said as he worked on the computer. "Transmission programming complete."

"Now what?" Zim asked.

"Let's land over on that building there," Dib pointed to a large roof. "That's near where the army is. Now comes the hard part."

"I just hope that scary sister of yours did her job," Zim grunted.

"I **heard** that Zim," Gaz's voice came over the communicator. "And I did. Now we're ready for phase three."

"Okay…Here comes the tricky part," Dib nodded.

Back in the bunker…

"I don't believe it! The invasion is over!" Several Soldiers whooped.

"Colonel are you **sure** what you just told me?" General Guffaw asked.

"Well it definitely wasn't us that blew up all those invader ships," The soldier told the General. "From what few transmissions I could get it seems Dib and this Zim character did a lot of damage."

"I'll be damned," Miss Bitters slithered in. "Those idiots actually **accomplished **something for a change."

"I knew it!" Membrane guffawed. "I **knew** my boy had **real science** in his blood! He gets his intelligence to fight aliens from **me! **Of course he is my clone. Where **else **would he get it from? It's all from **me!"**

"Oh yeah? Then where the hell did he get his **shooting skills** from?" General Guffaw glared at him. "Because obviously he didn't get them from **you!"**

"I said I was **sorry** for blowing up a small part of the moon," Membrane gave him a look. "It was an accident!"

"The boys are landing nearby," Bitters frowned. "Let's get them before this becomes an even **bigger **fiasco! Which knowing them it probably **will** be!"

"She's right. We'd better corral them and keep them under wraps before the public finds out," General Guffaw grunted. "Good news Membrane, your clone is actually useful enough **not** to be destroyed."

"Sir! That invader ship we think has Dib on it has landed on the roof next door!" A soldier said.

"Well then let's **welcome** the little hero home," Guffaw snorted.

Speaking of which…

"HA! Success! Zim has done it! Zim has…." Zim ran out of the ship. Then he realized it was still raining. "RAIN! AAGGGGHHH!"

"Zim! Zim you idiot! Get out of the rain!" Dib yelled. Zim gasped and fell down. "ZIM!" Dib ran to his side.

The rain started to stop and a rainbow illuminated the sky. "Oh Zim! You're dead! Dead!" Dib wailed dramatically. "And I didn't get to insult you one last time!"

"Actually I'm okay," Zim sat up. He looked at his arms. "There is no burning. Odd I don't remember covering myself in paste." He scratched his head.

"Hey wait a minute! Remember how back on Irk I was immune to that poison death cloud because your people are immune?" Dib realized. "And I have your DNA inside of me?"

"How could I forget?" Zim grumbled. "Do we have to go over this **now**?"

"Zim! My DNA inside you must make you immune to water!" Dib snapped.

"Huh? Oh yeah," Zim got up and tentatively splashed in a puddle. "Hey this stuff isn't so bad once you remove the horrible burning sensation and the eating of the flesh."

"Can we get back to dealing with our other problem?" Dib asked as the several soldiers ran towards them.

"Oh right," Zim nodded. "This might get tricky."

"Good job Dib Clone," General Guffaw, Membrane, Miss Bitters and several troops were ready to greet them. "You got rid of all the invaders! I guess you're good for something after all!"

"Well you see the thing is…I didn't get rid of **all** of them," Dib cackled manically. "We all **know** that don't we?"

"Yes well there's nothing you can do about that is there?" Bitters loomed over them. "This is how it is going to be boys. You two are our newest weapons against the Irken Armada and other alien menaces. And you'd better keep this whole thing a secret or else!"

"Uh let Zim think about that for a moment," Zim made a thought pose. "How about…NO!"

"What did you say?" Miss Bitters snarled, as she raised her eyebrow.

"Let me handle this, Zim," Dib said. He looked at Miss Bitters and said sweetly. "What Zim meant to say Miss Bitters is…No way in **hell** you revolting, bitter, old, ugly, disgusting, mean spirited **bitch!**"

"Dib! Language!" Membrane was horrified.

"Why you little…" Miss Bitters snarled as she raised a talon.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

"Attention people of Earth! Attention! The Invasion is still going on! Repeat! The Invasion is still going on! Earth **still** has enemy aliens in our midst! Watch and learn! Watch and learn!"

"What the…? Who's on that PA system?" Miss Bitters snarled.

"Gaz?" Membrane recognized the voice.

"Holy crap Sir! Look over there!" A soldier pointed to a large television in the distance. It ran scenes of the Borgia arriving and infiltrating Earth.

"What in the world…?" General Guffaw gasped.

"Sir according to our scanners this message is being broadcast all over the planet! On every TV, computer and other technological gadget!" Another soldier cried out.

"Hey! It's even on my IPAD!" Another yelled.

"But how…?" Membrane gasped. Then he heard something. They saw Gaz's ship hover. Gaz came out with Gir holding a camera. "Gaz!"

"Your memory enhancer also had a recording device on it," Gaz said. "I saw it was on. So I took the disk and with a few modifications to the cable and satellite connections…"

"Smile! You're on Candid Camera!" Gir said cheerfully.

"Thanks for coming Bitters," Gaz smirked. "This makes things so much easier. Boys if you don't mind?"

"Not at all dear sister," Dib grinned. Then he kicked Miss Bitters in the shin.

"YEOW!" Miss Bitters howled.

"Aw Dib you shouldn't kick your teacher like that," Zim smirked. "You should kick her like **this!**" He kicked her in the other shin.

"YEARRRRGGGHHH!" Miss Bitters snarled. "You little…"

"Come and get us!" Dib stuck out his tongue.

"Oh you bet I will you…" Miss Bitters slithered after them, changing her feet into a tail.

"Bitters! No! Your tail is showing!" Guffaw yelled.

"What?" Bitters realized her mistake.

"Look people! **ALIEN!**" Dib happily pointed at Miss Bitters.

The people of Earth were still glued to the TV even during an alien invasion. "Hey! That's an alien too!" A man shouted.

The people of Earth were not happy about this revelation.

"Wanna see **more** aliens?" Gaz smirked. "Moose! Split screen now!"

Suddenly a shot on the screen was shown of both Miss Bitters and on the other side the other Borgia in their hiding spots. Some of them looked distinctly reptilian. "Busted!" Gaz cackled.

"How did we get on TV?" One Borgia blinked.

"Take a good look people of Earth!" Dib shouted. "These aliens have been secretly controlling Earth for years! And our own governments have been collaborating with them!"

"Pay no attention to the idiot human child on the TV!" A Borgia shrieked.

"Don't call him a **human **child you idiot!" Another Borgia yelled.

"Don't you call me idiot, idiot!" The first Borgia shouted.

"You are an idiot!" The Borgia began to fight with each other.

"You are all idiots!" Bitters snarled. "So you pathetic humans finally figured it out!"

"Because I told them!" Dib shouted.

"No one likes a tattletale, Dib!" Bitters growled.

"Hey wait…You're a Borgia right?" Zim blinked.

"Yeah so?" Bitters snarled.

"How come you're outside in the **sunlight?** Sunlight is deadly to Borgias," Zim blinked.

"Three words **genius**: sun block lotion!" Bitters folded her arms. "What I can't figure out is why you're not a writhing mass of pain, Zim! You Irkens can't stand water, especially polluted water! And you're not covered in paste!"

"Oh **that,**" Dib said. "Well that's kind of a long story."

"That's **not** important right now! Your reign of terror over human worm babies is over Bitters!" Zim said.

"Don't be so sure!" Bitters growled.

"Borgias! Well **that** explains a few things!" Red's voice was heard.

"What the…?" Dib looked upwards.

There was a large escape pod type ship puttering around. On top of the ship was a huge monitor. "Can you hear me now?" Purple was on the monitor along with Red tapping on the microphone.

"Of course they can hear us you moron!" Red snapped. "They can **see** us too!"

"You loathsome Irkens!" Bitters snarled. "You destroyed our home world and nearly killed off our race! So we came to this planet to rebuild and prepare to invade your pathetic planet!"

"Hey! We only wiped your people out because you tried to wipe **our** people out first!" Red snapped.

"What?" Dib blinked.

"You think Irkens were always invaders?" Purple asked. "Believe it or not there was a time when we were once a peaceful race. Until **those** jerks came along!"

"We learned the hard way that you're either an invader or an **invaded** in the universe!" Red explained. "So we chose to be invaders!"

"Can somebody **shoot** those aliens?" General Guffaw yelled.

"Okay. Minimoose," Gaz smirked. "Get 'em!"

"SQUEEEEAKKKKK!" An animal's wail was heard on screen.

"What the flork was **that?**" A Borgia asked.

On screen Minimoose flew in, his antlers glowing. "SQUEEEEK!"

"What the…? YEOW! AAGGGHHH!" The Borgia screamed as they were blasted by the glowing antlers of Minimoose.

"NO! OUR NEST!" Bitters howled.

"Oh I'm sorry, I thought you meant the Borgia since they're the only threat left," Gaz smiled sweetly. "My mistake!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oooh, that's a pretty explosion," Purple remarked.

"Just drive the stupid ship before we're **next!**" Red yelled. The Irken pod started to putter away into space.

"Bye bye Borgias," Dib cackled as the building and all the Borgias were blown to bits.

He was grabbed from behind by Bitters. "Still one left…" She snarled. "I should have killed you when I had the **chance** you loathsome inferior clone!"

ZAP!

"YEOW!" Miss Bitters screamed as she was shot in the behind. She dropped Dib and spun around. "YOU!"

"Actually…**I'm** the one you should have taken out when you had the chance," Gaz said calmly as she held a blaster on Bitters. "Not that it matters any more!"

"Gaz…" Dib was startled.

"Go! I've got this!" Gaz told them. The boys didn't argue. They ran to their ship with Gir behind them.

"I should have known," Bitters snarled. "This battle was predestined. Our paths were bound to cross sooner or later."

"Well duh," Gaz said. "You teach the next grade up!"

"And now you will learn the same painful lesson your brother learned," Bitters circled Gaz. "I can not be beaten!"

"I'm **not** my brother," Gaz snarled back. "I'm **stronger**."

"Only one of us will walk away," Bitters roared and extended her claws as she charged for the battle.

"Let's dance," Gaz smirked. She dodged and fired but Bitters dodged as well. The two females fought furiously on the roof.

"So uh what do we do now?" One soldier asked.

"Didn't any of you geniuses think of grabbing the clone and the alien **before** they got away?" Guffaw yelled.

"You didn't order us to sir," A soldier asked. Guffaw slapped his head.

"Never mind…It's not like those two idiots can cause even **more damage**…" Guffaw grumbled.

Oh how wrong he was.

"Hello! I'm still on TV!" Gir waved to the camera he held in his hands.

"Wait a minute…The Irken fleet is pretty much gone and the Invaders are routed," Zim blinked as they flew. "So what exactly are we doing flying around in the ship?"

Dib laughed. "Okay…Dib what are you doing?" Zim raised an antennae.

"What I **should** have done from the beginning. Hey Zim…Wanna help me destroy the Earth?" Dib cackled.

"I thought you'd never ask," Zim grinned. Both laughed manically as they used the spaceship and the extra target practice disks to blow up everything in sight.

"What is that idiot boy of yours **doing,** Membrane?" General Guffaw shouted.

"I…I don't know…" Membrane was at a loss.

WHOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHH!

"What the dang blame gum shoe is going on now?" General Guffaw shouted as he looked downwards. A huge wave of water had started to make it's way through the city below.

"Looks like the ice caps have melted and Cleveland is finally going to get some beachfront property," Membrane remarked.

BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOM!

"Come on! We have to do something to stop that crazy clone and that idiot alien!" General Guffaw yelled as the rest of the army went to deal with the latest threat.

"What about our fighter jets?" Someone shouted.

"We have some left but a lot of them were blown up already by the Invaders!" Guffaw shouted. "Just get whatever you can in the sky to blow those maniacs out of it!"

Meanwhile Gaz and Bitters fought each other. Gaz managed to dodge Bitters' claws and attacks but Bitters dodged most of Gaz's laser blasts. Until Bitters slashed apart the blaster. And as she lunged she missed Gaz but slashed off Gaz's trademark necklace, shattering it to pieces.

"That…Was my _favorite_ skull necklace…" Gaz snarled. "Now I'm **mad!**"

"Oh I'm so **scared**," Bitters mocked. Her tail whipped around and knocked back Gaz hard. So hard she fell off the roof.

"SQUEEEAK!"

Minimoose caught Gaz. Minimoose had managed to expand his sides so that he was swollen enough to carry Gaz. "Moose…I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," Gaz smirked as she managed to ride Minimoose's back. "Now let's get her!"

"Squeak!" Minimoose said happily. Then it shot out several small missiles at Bitters from his harness.

Bitters swore as she dodged the blasts, barley missing the shots before they landed. She zoomed in her snake like form. Bitters leapt from roof to roof as Minimoose fired, blowing up building after building.

Bitters made a tactical move. She managed to leap onto a chimney and twist in the air. She grew her claws longer as she soared straight towards Gaz. "Time to die little girl!"

"You first!" Gaz shouted as Minimoose made an upside down twist, dodging Bitters.

Bitters then realized she made two tactical errors. One she was fifteen stories over the ground with nothing but street to stop her. The second was that Minimoose was very fast and had her lined in his sights.

"Oh crap…" Bitters gritted her teeth before she was shot by several blasts from Minimoose's antlers and fell several stories to the ground. Probably the only dry ground left in the city.

Minimoose landed on the ground next to Bitters. Gaz got off her new friend and looked at the body. "That'll do Moose," Gaz scratched Minimoose's head. "That'll do."

"Gaz! We have to stop your brother!" Membrane ran up to her. "He's wrecking everything!"

"Why should I?" Gaz asked bitterly. "If you ask me Earth is getting what it deserves. **You're **getting what **you** deserve."

"Gaz please! I taught you better than this!" Membrane pleaded. "I taught you to value human life and how precious the Earth is!"

"No, you didn't," Gaz told him.

"Are you sure?" Membrane blinked.

"Yeah pretty sure," Gaz said. She pulled out a device that made a clicking sound. Gaz's stolen Borgia ship flew down next to them.

"Oh," Membrane scratched his head. "Well…I always **meant **to teach you to value human life and all that stuff. That counts for **something** right?"

"Dad," Gaz looked at him. "You suck." She went into her own ship with Minimoose and flew away, blasting buildings and destroying fighter planes.

"This is for not listening to me!" Dib crowed into the ship's PA system as he shot up several buildings. "I **warned** you people! I warned you! But did you listen to me? No! You called me crazy! Well who's the **crazy one** now? Huh?"

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"I **tried** to be good! I really did!" Dib went on. "I tried doing everything I could to protect the Earth and help the human race and what did it get me? WHAT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT GOT ME! YOU LAUGHED AT ME! CALLED ME A FREAK! TREATED ME LIKE I WASN'T EVEN HUMAN! TRIED TO TURN ME INTO HAIR GEL! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TREAT SOMEBODY WHO SAVES YOU FROM TWO ALIEN INVASIONS IN ONE WEEK!"

Dib pulled the trigger on the blasters and blew up what was left of the Skool. "YAAAAYYY! DIB!" Several kids cheered.

"Oh yeah **now** you all like me!" Dib yelled. "**Now** you think I'm cool! Where were you stuck up jerks when I needed you? Would it have killed you to give me the benefit of the doubt once or twice? Because actually it's probably going to kill you because you didn't!"

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAHHH!" The children fled in terror as Dib shot at them. They barely escaped Dib's firings, mostly because Dib didn't want to kill them. Just make them suffer.

"I **warned** you! I kept **warning** you and warning you and screaming warnings at you until I became **hoarse!"** Dib shouted. "But did you **listen** to my warnings? No! You all **laughed **at me and called me crazy and made fun of my big head even though I kept showing you **proof **again and again and you ignored it! It was like you all **wanted** the Earth to be destroyed! Well…If that's what you all **really** want….Who am I to **deny i**t?"

"KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

"YOU ALL WANT THE EARTH TO BE DESTROYED? FINE! IF DESTROYING THE EARTH IS WHAT YOU WANT, DESTROYING THE EARTH IS WHAT YOU **GET!"** Dib cackled as he launched more laser blasts at several buildings.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" People fled the TV station that showed Mysterious Mysteries as Dib blew it up.

"Why so sad? I thought you said that crazy people give you **great ratings?"** Dib snarled. "I'll give you ratings through the **roof!"**

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"Actually, I'll **blow up** a few roofs!" Dib shouted. "And a few walls, a few buildings and a few hundred blocks of city!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"I wanted to be good," Dib yelled. "I tried to do the right thing and protect humanity…Only to find out I'm not **considered **human am I?"

"Like that's a **bad thing**?" Zim asked as he used the controls to have his remaining disks blow up a few more cities.

"All I wanted was just a little recognition…A little love and kindness!" Dib screamed. "But all you saw was a crazy clone boy! Well I've **had** it! I've been pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and…You get the idea! You can only push someone so far so long before they push back! AND I'M PUSHING BACK BABY!"

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"Hey Dib would you leave me some buildings for **me **to blow up?" Zim snapped. "Oh never mind. I'll just use the remote control on the disks to blow up all the other cities all over the world."

"You all wanted me to be normal and to be sane! But if being normal and sane means being stupid and accepting your doom then forget it! I REJECT BEING NORMAL AND SANE! I HATE HUMANITY!" Dib screamed at the top of his voice. "I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!"

"Whoa…Maybe this bonding thing won't be so bad after all?" Zim blinked.

"DAD THIS IS ALL**YOUR** FAULT!" Dib screamed at the top of his voice. "YOU MADE ME THIS WAY DAD! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD!"

"Spoke too soon…" Zim sighed. "Oh well…Might as well make Spurkleberry punch out of Spurkleberries." He went back to destroying buildings and fighter pilots with glee.

"You know the **worst **part of this whole thing Dad?" Dib shouted. "I looked up to you! I admired you! And you turn out to be a collaborator! You let the Earth get enslaved by an alien race all in the name of **science!**"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Look at all the stuff you did in the name of science!" Dib yelled. "Science doesn't tuck your kid in at night Dad! Science doesn't sit at the dinner table at night and feed your child decent food! Science doesn't spend time with your kid! WHY DIDN'T YOU SPEND TIME WITH ME? I TRIED SO HARD TO PLEASE YOU BUT NO MORE! FORGET IT! YOU HEAR ME DAD?"

"Okay this is the most pathetic evil rant I have ever heard," Zim blinked.

"Does Dib **always **have to embarrass me?" Gaz groaned.

"Squeak?" Minimoose mooed.

"You're right Moose," Gaz flew her ship. "I'd better pick up a few things from home. We might be gone a while."

Dib madly ranted and raved as he flew around, blowing up building after building and any fighter plane able to get near them. "You never had time for me! You never had time for **me!"** Dib raved.

"You know…blowing up this pathetic excuse of a planet isn't as much fun as I thought it would be," Zim yawned. "I mean seriously. After all this time of plotting and scheming…"

"AND ANOTHER THING, YOU NEVER CAME TO A PARENT TEACHER MEETING! YOU JUST SENT YOUR STUPID ROBOT WITH THE VID PHONE ON IT!" Dib was heard screaming. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MADE ME LOOK IN FRONT OF ALL THE KIDS AND TEACHERS? HOW IT MADE ME FEEL?"

"Seriously…All I had to do was work on Dib's Father complex," Zim groaned as he casually blew up another building. "And boom! He does most of the work for me! Boy do I feel stupid! Not as stupid as Dib but I digress…"

BOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!

"THERE GOES ANOTHER **SCIENCE** BUILDING DAD! HA HA HA HA!" Dib cackled. "GOODBYE MEMBRANE INSTITUTE! HA HA HA!"

"It was so freaking obvious," Zim sighed. "How did I **miss** it?"

"You know while Dib is acting nuts I might as well do some shopping," Gaz smirked as she touched down next to a building that said MOST EXPENSIVE AND COOLEST GAME SLAVE STORE EVER.

She went out of her ship with a blaster and cheerfully whistled as she blew open the door. The sounds of screaming and blasters were heard inside. A few minutes later, Gaz walked out. Carrying several bags and boxes worth of games and equipment were three very scared and slightly charred employees. "Throw it in the ship and watch the merchandise!" She snapped. "And don't fall in the puddles!"

"No wonder you wouldn't listen to me about Zim and his plan to take over the world!" Dib went on as he kept blowing up everything in sight. "You were already **working** with aliens that already took over the Earth! Oh the **lies!** The lies upon lies you lying liar!"

"Yes Membrane, it's not good to lie to your children," Zim called out.

"See? Even he knows that!" Dib yelled. "And he's an alien!"

"Seriously Membrane, you really messed him up," Zim spoke.

"He did! Didn't he?" Dib yelled.

"He sure did," Zim remarked. "Kids let this be a lesson to you. Don't ever neglect your clones. It could really screw them up."

"SCREW THEM UP BIG TIME!" Dib yelled.

Meanwhile Gaz had made her way to a huge convenience store. "Throw it all in boys!" Gaz ordered the employees as they threw in several boxes of frozen pizza, soda, frozen waffles, popcorn and all kinds of fast food.

"Oh here's **another** lie," Dib snarled as he tore through a park area. "Sorry son, I'm too busy to take you to the father son picnic! I have to work on **science!** WORK ON **THIS** DAD!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Maybe I should steal some medication just to be on the safe side?" Gaz sighed. She went to a nearby pharmacy to steal some medicine and other items.

"IS THIS ENOUGH TO GET YOUR ATTENTION NOW DAD? AM I **IMPORTANT** ENOUGH FOR YOU TO PAY ATTENTION **NOW?** HUH DAD?" Dib screamed at the top of his voice.

"This is no longer an evil rant," Purple remarked in the escape pod. "This is a cry for help."

"IS THIS SCIENCE-EY ENOUGH FOR YOU DAD?" Dib screamed as he blew up more buildings. "IS IT? IS THIS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME?"

"Somebody get us **out **of here?" Red called on his communicator. "I can't take any more of this kid's whining!"

"My brain hurts…" Purple moaned.

"Why couldn't you love me for who I am?" Dib cried out as he blew up more buildings. "Instead of trying to make me a copy of you? Okay I'm a clone but still…Wait a minute, you didn't even **try!** You just ran around and went from one experiment to another…forgetting all about me! WELL LET'S SEE YOU FORGET ABOUT ME NOW!"

"This kid is skipping without a rope," General Guffaw groaned as he watched the damage.

"YOU KEPT ASKING ME WHY COULDN'T I BE NORMAL? I'M A NEGLECTED CLONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT?" Dib screamed. "THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD EVER BE NORMAL! AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? IF **NORMAL** MEANS THAT I JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP WHEN ALIENS INVADE THE EARTH THEN I DON'T **WANT **TO BE NORMAL! YOU HEAR ME DAD? I'LL **NEVER **BE NORMAL!"

"Obviously," General Guffaw groaned. "Anyone who's met this kid for more than a minute would know that!"

"NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!" Dib screamed.

"I tell you one thing, if he ever does come to trial he's got the insanity defense locked up," A soldier said.

"There's not gonna be a trial because we're gonna blow that brainless boob out the sky!" General Guffaw shouted. "Send the nukes on him!"

"We don't have any more nukes," A soldier told him. "We used them all up on the Invaders!"

"Well then shoot whatever we have **left** on him!" General Guffaw yelled.

"We have a whole bunch of Scum Missiles left, Sir," A soldier suggested.

"You mean SCUD?" Guffaw asked.

"No, Scum," The soldier corrected. "Made by the Scum Corporation sir. Their latest weapons.

"USE THEM!" General Guffaw yelled.

In some remote base the Scum Missiles were launched and headed straight towards Zim and Dib's ship. And they went right past Zim and Dib's ship.

"Private…Those missiles don't have very good guidance systems do they?" General Guffaw sighed as he noticed the missiles were headed straight for his position.

"I'm afraid not sir," The soldier said. "That's why we didn't want to use them."

"This is not going to end well," General Guffaw sighed as the bombs fell on him and his army.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Well that was a freebee," Zim noticed.

"Okay boys! Come on in," Gaz ordered on her communicator.

"Might as well, we're running low on power and fuel," Zim shrugged. "And this planet is pretty much trashed anyway!"

"But I haven't blown up enough stuff yet!" Dib protested as Zim piloted the ship into Gaz's ship.

"I think you've done enough. And I got a lot of stuff," Gaz said as they disembarked their ship.

"Oh I'm not done **yet**…" Dib snarled. "I've only just **begun**! Earth and the entire human race is going to **pay **for rejecting me! They are going to pay…so much! I just need to check out our warp drive and all the systems. Zim does your ship have some kind of basic temporal flux capacitor and some kind of reverse polarity generator?"

"Yeah in the back," Zim indicated. "Why?"

"Perfect! I need to hook that up to this ship's reverse thrust engines," Dib smirked. "My Dad wanted me to work on real science…Well he's about to get his wish. Muah ha ha ha ha!"

"Should we be worried?" Zim asked.

"Nah, let him have his fun," Gaz waved.

"Uh oh…" Gir blinked. "This isn't gonna be good."

"He he he he…" Dib scrambled around like a deranged monkey fusing and calculating. "It's done! Now all I have to do is hit the reverse thrusters button!" Dib rubbed his hands together as he made his way to the bridge. "And watch the fun!"

"What exactly does this gonna do?" Gaz asked.

"Hit the Earth with a temporary temporal warp blast," Dib cackled. "It'll trash the whole stinking planet! Every city will lose power for weeks! If there are any left! HA HA HA!"

"Cool," Gaz nodded.

"Why didn't **I** think of that?" Zim hit his head.

"Here we go!" Dib laughed. "I'm gonna end this with a **bang!"**

BLAAMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A ring of light emerged from the ship and grew until it engulfed the Earth. The Earth looked like it was knocked back on it's axis for a moment. Parts of the ocean covered the land areas and some of those water covered land areas froze solid. Other land areas seemed to burn. And some large land masses split in half.

"Whoa…" Gaz looked at the damage.

"That place is pretty wrecked," Gir said.

"Cool!" Zim was thrilled. "Hey, look that ocean is on fire!"

"Technically part of that is the fault of the oil companies," Gaz admitted. "But yeah Dib did do a lot of that too."

"I did it! I **did** it! I saved the world only to **destroy** it! Ha ha ha!" Dib was clearly in a world of his own. "I can't believe it! It was so obvious all along! My destiny wasn't to save the world! It was to **blow it up!** KABOOOOOOOOOM!"

"Okay it's time to leave this planet and go somewhere else now," Zim gulped.

"Yeah. Zim help me tie up Dib. You got any straightjackets on board your ship?" Gaz asked.

"Kaboom Gaz! Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOM!" Dib laughed.

"In the closet on the left," Zim pointed.

"I did it!" Dib cackled madly. "I finally did it! I achieved my dream of destroying the Earth! He he he! I only had this dream for about half an hour…KABOOM!"

"Uh Dib the Earth's still there," Zim pointed out. "You just really wrecked it."

"And I think you turned the seven continents into **nine**," Gaz blinked.

"Aw let him have his moment," Gir remarked.

"KABOOOOOOM! I'M DIB! I'M INVADER DIB AND MY MISSION IS TO WRECK THE EARTH! HAAA HAA! KABOOOOOOM!" Dib cackled.

"Rub it in why don't ya?" Zim grumbled.

"Come on Dib, time to take a nice long nap and make some friends with some very happy pills," Gaz dragged him away.

"KABOOOOOOOOOOOM! HA HA HA HA HA!" Dib laughed insanely.

"If anyone asks, Dib being crazy is all my father's fault," Gaz told them.

"Are we going with the defective clone theory or the neglect angle?" Zim asked.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Dib cackled happily.

"Let's just say it's a combination of both Column A and B shall we?" Gaz sighed. "Gir take us out of here!"

"Okie-Dokey! Smokey Pokey!" Gir said cheerfully as he piloted the ship into the unknown reaches of space.

That day would be remembered in both Irken and Human history as the Clone Attack. Or the Clone/Irken Invasion on Earth. On Irk it was known as the Earth Offensive and it was proven to be the downfall of the Irken Empire. What was left of it. This event shattered and changed both worlds forever. It would also be known as the defining moment when the InvaderZ were created.


	10. Invader Gaz Explains It All

**Invader Gaz Explains It All**

Many years later…

"Hello everyone and welcome to Good Morning Universe!" A blue furred monkey like alien with four arms and a long tail in a well made suit and tie chirped into the camera. "The Planetary Federation's most popular morning show! I'm Gleek your host. My co-host Kitty Lee is in the hospital recovering from plastic surgery. Again. Boy they sure don't make silicone implants like they used to don't they?"

"But that's okay because we have some very special guests with us today! We all know who the InvaderZ are," Gleek said cheerfully. "They are the most ruthless, savage and dangerous bounty hunters slash ultimate fighting champions slash spokespeople ever to hit the galaxy. And they're right here in our studio!"

Gaz, Dib, Zim and Gir were on a couch. "HI THERE!" Gir waved to the cameras. "I'm on TV!"

Needless to say since it had been several years since the last chapter the gang looked a bit different.

Gaz had changed on the outside. True her hairstyle was similar but her taste in clothes was different. The eighteen year old young woman wore a black and purple tank top with black pants with a purple stripe on the sides. She also wore a black jacket made of the leather of some alien animal. Her stylish black and purple boots had medium heels and she wore some lovely glittering purple jewelry on her neck, wrists and ears. She even wore makeup, a very flattering shade of lipstick and foundation that made her skin look radiant. As well as light purple eye shadow that brought out the light in her eyes.

She also had dozens of weapons both hidden and seen on her person, and that darkness inside her soul had grown three times stronger since childhood. And that ruthlessness made her the leader of the group.

Of course the real difference was that every now and then she actually smiled. A cruel sadistic smile which meant: 'I know I'm stronger, tougher and more beautiful than you are. Deal with it.' But still a smile.

Dib had changed as well. After all he also was eighteen now. True he still had his trademark scythe hairstyle, but it was longer, more jagged and sharper. It seemed to crown nearly a foot over the rest of his head and the final bit of it was so long it was half way down his backside. (His head was still very large but not as obvious as it was in childhood. The large hair seemed to detract from that.). The rest of his hair was long in the back down to his neck and the sides of his head had been shaved clean.

Or as the rumors went his head was just way too big for all his hair to fit on it.

Dib wore a very similar long black trench coat and black boots than he did when he was younger. He also wore flexible black body armor over his body. His glasses had been replaced with special sunglasses that had tinted blue lenses and a host of other special features such as night vision, X-ray vision, Q-ray vision and scanners. The tops of his ears had silver bands on them. He wore black gloves and some kind of purple crystal necklace around his neck. He had blasters, a knife strapped to his left boot, a large scythe like sword in a scabbard on his back as well as dozens of other hidden weapons all over his body.

A body that was now almost six foot five feet tall (Not counting the hair.). Still thin and wiry, but stronger, sharper, faster. And meaner. Definitely meaner.

Zim was the most changed of the group, meaning he had actually grown a few feet in a surprising twist. In fact he was now five foot eight which for an Irken is pretty tall. He also had abandoned his traditional Invader garb for a black bodysuit with some kind of red stone in the center of it, a black trench coat and several different kind of weapons. Somewhere along the line Zim had taken a fancy to a black cowboy hat and had adopted it into his persona. Lately he had refused to go anywhere without it and the other InvaderZ saw no reason not to humor him.

Gir however had not changed at all. He was still short. Still stupid and still extremely insane. Except the fact that every other day he seemed to be able to follow orders a little bit better. And he was much better at blowing stuff up if that was possible.

Well it was possible once Zim and the others figured out Gir's Bye Bye Boom technique and spent a year training him how to at least use it when they wanted him to. Gir got really good at using that and many a moon and planet had been destroyed during that past year during his training.

Of course they still had Minimoose, who was not in the studio today. He was getting his antlers polished. Although Minimoose hadn't grown either he had gotten stronger and more powerful and became completely devoted to Gaz, his new mistress. Willing to blow up and destroy anything and everything on her slightest whim. Not to mention being her favorite snuggle pillow during those long cold nights.

In other words they had become such a force for mayhem, violence and destruction even the most hardened criminals and ruthless killers in five galaxies would be nervous to even think about insulting them.

"Welcome InvaderZ! Now let me ask you a few questions," He then noticed a hard look Zim was giving him. "Uh if you don't mind?"

"Not at all," Gaz said in a strangely polite tone. "That's why we're here. Fire away."

"Okay…" Zim took out a blaster and aimed it at Gleek.

"Not **you**!" Gaz snapped.

Dib's hair moved quickly and grabbed the blaster. It put it in Dib's hands. "For crying out loud Zim! You're getting more trigger happy than usual!" He snapped, his voice deeper than it was in childhood.

"Give it back!" Zim reached to grab his blaster back.

"No," Dib held it out of reach.

"Give it you…" Zim snarled.

"ZIM!" Gaz snapped. "Behave yourself and Dib will give you your blaster back."

"I'm on TV!" Gir said cheerfully waving to the camera.

"Just promise you'll behave Zim!" Dib said.

"I promise **nothing!**" Zim shouted.

"TV!" Gir jumped up and down on the couch. "TV! TV! PARTY TONIGHT!"

"Give it back! Give it back!" Zim tried to grab it but Dib's hair held it out of reach.

"ZIM!" Gaz snapped.

"TV!" Gir bounced happily.

"Okay fine! I promise!" Zim grumbled. Dib smugly handed the weapon back with his hair.

"Okay…How did he **do **that?" Gleek blinked. "Is that a human trait or…?"

"No, for some reason only the male members of our family can manipulate their hair and make it move and do stuff," Gaz shrugged. "My Dad used to give us rides on his head when we were little all the time. His hair would grab us and…"

"I get the picture," Gleek blinked.

"Of course I can do a lot more with my hair than my so called **father** because it's longer," Dib smirked. "And I practice with it every day."

"Stupid hair. Ever since you got your growth spurt you've been playing with that thing like it's some sort of plaything!" Zim grumbled. "My antennae are ten times more useful than that stupid mop of hair!"

"No, no! We are not having this argument **again!**" Gaz shouted. "Knock it off you two! Gir, stop bouncing on the couch!"

"Okay!" Gir stopped.

"The name InvaderZ, where did you get it?" Gleep asked.

"I am glad you asked that Gleep! It came from me! **Zim!**" Zim said proudly. "Invader Zim!"

"He's right. We called ourselves InvaderZ with a large Z," Gaz said.

"I am ZIM!"

"Mostly to shut him up," Gaz groaned. "Didn't work. But the name stuck."

"So what's it like being bounty hunters?" Gleep asked.

"Technically we're not really bounty hunters. We're freelance planetary invaders," Zim corrected.

"Basically our job is simple and sweet. People hire us to invade a planet that's trying to invade **their** planet. We go and kick that planet's ass, steal a bunch of stuff and make sure they never even **think** about invading other planets again," Gaz smirked.

"It's more fun to invade those types of planets because they have more stuff to break," Dib smirked. "But occasionally we invade other planets for empires because they hire us."

"You mean that war between the Vraxx and the Kreen?" Gleek asked.

"Yeah those guys. To be fair neither of them are very nice and trashing both empires is a lot of fun," Dib smirked.

"And the biggest threats to the Planetary Federation since the Irken Empire was destroyed," Gleek nodded. "Uh no offense Invader Zim."

"None taken," Zim shrugged. "Since I was one of the ones who broke it."

"Those two idiot empires are so busy fighting each other they don't have time to attack the PF," Gaz agreed. "And now that Irk has finally started to rebuild things are going to get very interesting."

"Last I heard Irk rebuilt itself as a mercenary planet, hiring out their warriors and invaders because thanks to the Irken Accord which was signed two years ago they can't have an empire any more," Gleek said.

"Yeah but if I know my people and believe me I do, they'll break that treaty the first chance they get to rebuild their precious empire," Zim grunted. "Some of this new group of Tallest are just as stupid as the old ones. Except for Tallest Tenn, she kind of has a brain."

"That's why a lot of Irkens are now food drones and or business drones," Dib said. "They're trying the old conquer the universe through corporation schemes."

"I see. Let's get personal shall we? Now Dib and Gaz…Do you have a last name or…?" Gleep asked.

"Technically we don't have a last name," Gaz explained. "See Dad legally got rid of his last name long before we were born so we don't really know what it was. He just dropped his name to Membrane. And then Professor Membrane. You know how some people are only known by one name?"

"Like Prince, Madonna…" Dib added.

"Flibble, Zok…" Zim added more well known alien celebrities.

"But for legal reasons we had to have some last name so people just started calling us Membrane as our last name, even though technically we don't **have **one," Gaz said.

"I wanted to rename ourselves 'Mothman' or something cool," Dib grunted. "But Gaz insisted that by keeping the Membrane name we'd be really sticking it to our Dad so…"

"So have you seen your father?" Gleep asked.

"We haven't seen that jerk ever since we trashed Earth and left that rotting pile of garbage we used to call home," Gaz snorted. "And quite frankly we don't have any intention of going back there anytime soon."

"If I never see that stupid pile of rocks and dumb monkey brains called humans ever again it will be too soon," Zim agreed.

"I dunno. I might want to go back and check up on things. Find my old man and beat the crap out of him," Dib shrugged.

"Uh huh, let's go back to the early days of your career. Everyone knows about the Day of the Dib which is now an official Planetary Federation Holiday. And there are many stories about the fall of the Irken Empire which happened on the Earth Invasion the following day."

"Hey I was only ten years old!" Dib protested. "You try dealing with finding out you're a neglected clone experiment, two alien invasions, your entire life is a lie and being bonded to your worst enemy in the same week and see how emotionally stable **you** act!"

"That's still a sore point for Dib," Gaz sighed. "And the rest of the universe."

"O-kay…" Gleek got the hint. "Gaz is it true that you and your brother have gotten closer over the years?"

"What kind of stupid question is **that?**" Dib and Gaz snapped at the same time.

"This better not be one of those racist incest digs is it?" Dib snatched his sword and pointed it at Gleek. "Just because Earth isn't as advanced as the rest of the universe doesn't mean we all act like backwoods log sluggers!"

"For those innocent children watching, a log slugger is a not very nice term meaning someone from a primitive planet that has to gather firewood in order to keep warm," Zim grinned at the camera.

"Earth wasn't primitive enough to blast apart the Irken Empire!" Dib snapped. "Well technically it was mostly me and Zim but you get the point!"

"Yes I do…" Gleek gulped as he saw the very sharp point of Dib's sword. "I didn't mean it like **that!** I meant…Gaz you haven't killed your brother yet and you always said you hated him so…"

"Oh, okay. I see where this is going," Gaz made a motion and Dib put his weapon away. "Well Dib's gotten a lot more useful since we were kids. And it didn't hurt when he reached puberty and his voice dropped a few octaves so it's not as annoying anymore."

"Yeah well there were some incidents between us that helped our relationship," Dib admitted. "That's all I'm gonna say."

"The fact that we got captured a couple of times didn't hurt," Zim grumbled. "Oh yeah we always got away and did a lot of damage but still…"

"Such as?" Gleek asked.

"Ever hear of the Planet Glatoria?" Gaz gave him a look. "The one where they forced people to fight for entertainment?"

"The one that **blew up**?" Gleek asked. "Oh…"

"We were on that miserable rock for six months before we escaped and turned it into space rubble," Zim grumbled. "I would have escaped sooner but **someone** insisted on staying there longer in order to rescue his sister who didn't **need** rescuing!"

"Hey it wasn't a complete loss," Dib gave him a look. "We all learned how to fight pretty well during that time. I mean if your life is threatened every hour of every day you have to."

"I like to think of that time as basic training," Gaz said. "Besides, at least the food was better than the skool's!"

"Oh yeah definitely," Both Zim and Dib agreed. "Much better food."

"Now that I think about it, it was a little less oppressive too," Dib thought. "And we made some contacts and friends in that hell hole. That helped us get our start."

"That was just part of your training Dib. In fact you became a very high level dark warlock didn't you?" Gleep asked.

"**Dark Lighter** Sorcerer. It's a common mistake. Technically I'm still in the paranormal field but it's mostly in the practical side," Dib shrugged. "No real chance to solve any mysteries of the universe. And what few mysteries I do solve…Let's just say that they were more interesting when they were unknown. Like that secret lost city of Atlantis…Turned out to be an intergalactic water park that was moved a couple of times for zoning reasons."

"Interesting. Here's another question I'd like to put out there," Gleek asked. "There are rumors of romance in your team. Is there any truth to them? You know are either Gaz or Dib are in a relationship with Zim?"

To this question the three immediately responded with pointing blasters right in Gleek's face. "I'm guessing that answer is a no…" Gleek gulped.

"A **big **no!" Dib snarled. "As in **no way** in Hell!"

"You really think I can't do any better than **Zim?** Seriously?" Gaz snarled.

"Change the question unless you really want to see if your brain splatter matches the carpet!" Zim snarled.

"Yes, well…The one question our audience wants to know is Zim why did you eventually betray the Irken Empire?" Gleek asked. The others put their blasters away.

"Besides the fact that the Tallest betrayed me and didn't treat me very well?" Zim raised an antennae.

"Well yes."

"Well Gleep to be honest I started to fall in love with Earth's natural beauty," Zim said wistfully. "My secret desire is to one day return to Earth, get a law degree and become a public defense attorney. Maybe a defense attorney for the entire planet of Earth!"

"Really?" Gleep asked.

"Nah I'm just pulling your legs!" Zim started to laugh. So did Gaz, Dib and Gir. "I mean seriously? Me becoming a **public defender**? Come on!"

"I can see him becoming a **public executioner** maybe," Dib laughed. "But defender? Oh man that's a **good** one!"

"There are also rumors that you had a chance to become the next Tallest," Gleep added.

"Yeah I probably could have if I really wanted to once I got my growth spurt. But by then I realized that I'm just not a management person," Zim sighed. "You know I'm just too hands on. Oh sure running a planet would be fun for a while but let's face it, I'm not cut out for an office job. And that's basically what I would be doing if I had taken over Earth or some other mud ball of a planet. Just sit in my office and sign papers and order people to shoot stuff or get tortured or whatever. Well other than occasionally torturing Dib. Using him as a subject for weapons testing. But then again I wouldn't be doing the primary research so where's the fun in that?"

"There is one thing our watchers are curious about maybe you can help us understand," Gleep said. "About the Tallest Ceremony…You've been there right?"

"Actually I witnessed a few Tallest Ceremonies, yes," Zim nodded.

"Mostly because he was responsible for half of 'em dying off," Gaz snickered.

"Is it true they cut off the thumbs of the new Tallest as part of the ceremonies?" Gleep asked.

"No! No that's ridiculous! What do we look like? Barbarians! No!" Zim snorted. "No the Tallest still have their thumbs. You just can't see them because they're hidden in that cuff thing they have on their wrists. They use their thumbs to control their jet packs and stuff."

"Oh," Gleep said. "So there's no maiming involved?"

"Nah they just stretch their fingers and spine and rearrange their organs so that they get a little taller," Zim waved. "What? It's not like they don't give them a sedative before they do it! Of course the Tallest are a little sore and cranky a couple days after the coronation but still…"

"I like to dance!" Gir started to dance around. "Look at my butt!"

"Gir! Enough!" Zim ordered. Gir kept dancing around. "Gir! Stop it! Knock it off! Gir! Stop it! Stop it! Your master is talking to you! GIR! ZIM COMMANDS YOU TO STOP!"

"Gir, sit down and behave yourself," Dib said.

"Okey dokey!" Gir did so.

"What the…?" Zim looked angry. "Why does he do that? I get why he obeys Gaz! You'd have to be a complete moron not to obey her! But **you?** Why does he obey **you** and not me?"

"Maybe he likes me better?" Dib snorted.

"He does not!" Zim snapped.

"Does too," Dib said.

"Does **not!**" Zim snapped.

"Oh uh is that thing between them still…?" Gleek coughed uncomfortably.

"Are they still bonded as War Brothers? Yeah. They're the only Irken-Non Irken War Brothers in existence," Gaz smirked. "And it's not hard to figure out why."

"Another reason why I could never become Tallest even if I wanted to but I don't!" Zim folded his arms. "It's the principle of the thing. If I wanted too I can't because I have **human cooties** in my invader veins!"

"That and the fact that you were such a homicidal maniac your people would sooner blow up their own planet than let you rule them," Dib groaned.

"That is not true!" Zim said.

"Hello? Fake mission to Earth? Remember that? You blew up half your planet long before I came along," Dib pointed out. "And you destroyed one of your own suns! Not to mention tons of other worlds and was responsible for the deaths of stars only know how many Tallest!"

"That reminds me, any news of former Tallest Red and Purple?" Gleek asked.

"None since they escaped prison," Gaz shrugged.

"Probably the only two Irkens hated even **more** than Zim," Dib said.

"Not more than Zim!" Zim shouted.

"Uh yeah since their power was stripped away by a new council for mismanaging the empire so bad it collapsed under their rule," Dib said. "Granted we did our part but a lot of it is also the fault of Red and Purple. The Irkens never forgave them for the disaster at Earth."

"Yes just like my people never forgave me, **Zim **for being tainted with human DNA!" Zim sulked. "They let **Skoodge** be on the ruling council but not me! Skoodge! Can you believe it? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel."

"You blew up a **sun,** Zim!" Dib said. "Geeze! How hard is that for you to figure out! You destroyed one of Irk's three suns! Not exactly a good way to endear yourself to the voters!"

"It's not like it was the **only** one!" Zim snapped. "There were two more suns!"

"Destroying that sun wrecked Irk's climate for centuries!" Dib said. "And that was way before I showed up!"

"Dib! Dib! I like dancing!" Gir moved over and practically walked over Zim's lap to sit next to Dib. "I like to dance!"

"That's nice, Gir," Dib said casually.

"What is this? You walked over Zim? I am your master! ME! **ZIM!** Not Dib! Dib is **not** your master!" Zim snapped at Gir. "Why do you treat him as if he was your master when he is clearly **not?**"

"Because unlike **you,** I don't just give him orders. I make time for him," Dib told Zim.

"Make time for him? He's a **robot!** The only reason you make time for him is so you can use him as a replacement for the love you never got from your father!" Zim said.

"Don't **go **there Zim," Dib snarled. "You know…Membrane is a very sore subject with me. Very sore!"

"Why? You haven't seen your _father_ since you left Earth all those years ago," Zim asked. "And I use that term loosely…"

"Don't you dare start making cracks about me being a genetic twin!" Dib snapped. "You know how we in the CDL feel about that!"

"CDL?" Gleek asked.

"Clone Defamation League," Gaz explained. "For obvious reasons Dib got into clones having equal rights on other planets and stuff. He and a few other clones from the Planet Replicana started it."

"Oh right that planet used to enslave clones until the uh…revolution," Gleek nodded. "Now the clones… I mean the Order of Genetic Brothers has control of the planet."

"Three guesses who was the driving force behind that?" Zim pointed to Dib. "And you call me a ruthless invader?"

"That was totally different! There was injustice and slavery on that planet! I helped liberate it!" Dib snapped.

"Yeah you **liberated** it from the original owners and got them kicked off that planet," Zim rolled his eyes. "In case you don't know that, it's called **stealing."**

"Oh is the **planetary invader** who wrecked his own planet **twice** giving **me** a lesson about **morality**?" At least I didn't blow up one of that planet's **suns!**" Dib snapped.

"You just can't get past that can you?" Zim glared at Dib.

"Me and the rest of Irk's population that's **still alive**!" Dib snapped.

"CORN! I LIKE CORN!" Gir jumped up and down. "I want a corn dog! And a headless clown!"

"Here we go…" Dib groaned. "He's in one of his little moods again."

"**Again?** That would imply that he's **stopped **at some point," Gaz gave her brother a look.

"Gir behave yourself. We will get you a corn dog after the program," Zim told the robot.

"CORN DOG!" Gir pointed at Gleek and tackled him. "I WANT MY CORN DOG HEADLESS CLOWN!"

"I'm not a headless clown! I have a head! OW!" Gleek yelled in pain. "Stop biting me!"

"I thought you said you fixed him?" Dib casually looked at Zim.

"No I said if he messes up my room again I will fix him! As in fix him into little pieces!" Zim glared at Dib.

"That doesn't make any sense," Dib said.

"**You** don't make any sense," Zim snapped. "This is your fault too Dib! You spoil that stupid robot!"

"OW! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME HERE!" Gleek screamed. "HE'S TRYING TO BITE MY HEAD OFF!"

No one did anything to help him. "No wonder that robot doesn't pay any attention to me! You're always countermanding my authority!" Zim snapped.

"**What** authority?" Dib got in Zim's face. "No, seriously tell me what authority you have in this group. Unless it's Minister in Charge of **Whining** you have no authority!"

"Who are **you** to question **my** authority Minister In Charge of…Being a Jerk Face!" Zim challenged back.

"Well at least it's being better than the Minister of Being **Stupid!**" Dib yelled.

"You are the Minister in Charge of Having Dookie Breath and Smelling Like Dookie and Having Dookie in the Brain!" Zim shouted.

"Oh have we sunk to the dookie comments **already** Zim? Very mature!" Dib scoffed. "See **this** is why I can never have an intelligent conversation with you!"

"Yes because you can not have an intelligent conversation with someone who is **not** intelligent!" Zim shouted.

"My thoughts **exactly**!" Dib yelled.

"Seriously…I'm really in a lot of pain here!" Gleek moaned.

"OOH! What's that stuff?" Gir saw something off camera and ran over to it. The sounds of something breaking were heard afterwards.

"You can't have any intelligent conversation without intelligence!" Zim sneered.

"Right again, Zim!" Dib folded his arms.

"Yes! Zim is…Wait a minute! Are you saying Zim is **not **intelligent?" Zim did a double take.

"Oh you actually figured it out! Congratulations Zim!" Dib clapped sarcastically. "You **finally **learned sarcasm!"

"You do not turn your words back on me! Not twist the words of Zim like some twisty turny thing!" Zim yelled.

CRASH!

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Gir laughed manically off camera. "PRETTY FIRE!"

"I've seen bigger," Gaz said casually.

"Great Gabbling Gibbons! He's wrecking the studio!" Gleep screamed.

CRASH!

"I'll twist whatever I want you jerk!" Dib snapped. Both were standing up now and had their hands on their blasters.

"I am not the jerk! You are the Jerk! Jerk!" Zim shouted. "Call Zim a jerk again and I might actually hurt you!"

"And hurt yourself in the process?" Dib asked.

"I'd be worth it to feel your pain!" Zim snapped.

"Oh go ahead! Please! Try it! Let's see which one of us can withstand the most pain without passing out or crying for mercy!" Dib cackled. "I mean out of the million and one times we've done this over the years you've won at least oh…NEVER!"

CRASH!

"Oh yeah! Why Zim will…YEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!" Zim screamed as Dib casually pulled out a small knife and stabbed the palm of his hand with it. "OW! OW! THAT HURTS!"

"HA! Told you so!" Dib sneered, ignoring the blood. "Wimp!"

"Hey! I was not ready!" Zim snapped as Dib used some magic to create a healing force to contain the blood on his hand. "You're not supposed to start until I say I am ready! And I am not ready! Getting ready…Getting Ready…AAAAAAAHHH!" Zim charged at Dib.

Dib casually moved enough to trip Zim and send Zim sprawling. "Sneak attack? Seriously Zim? **Hello!**" He pointed to his head. "We share a mind link! Remember! I know what you know!"

"Really? Do you know **this?"** Zim threw a couch pillow at Dib.

"HA!" Dib dodged it. Only to be tackled by Zim. Both were fighting on the floor.

"And now those two are fighting! Aren't you going to do something?" Gleek pleaded to Gaz who was casually watching the chaos on the couch.

"Are you kidding? Throw in a bottle of Ambrosian Scotch and you've got my usual Sunday Night," Gaz quipped. "Incidentally that's another reason those two are still alive. I find drinking really takes the edge off. A few glasses and those two are actually pretty amusing."

"HA HA DIB! ZIM IS SUPERIOR! ZIM IS…AAAAHHH!" Zim was thrown against the wall. "Okay that's it! Zim has had it!" He got up on his Pak legs. "Zim is not going to be pushed around by someone with Daddy Issues!"

"SHUT UP ZIM!" Dib snarled as he pulled out a blaster.

"YOU SHUT UP!" Zim snarled as he pulled out his blaster.

Gaz looked at the camera. "Yeah. I drink. So? **You **live with these idiots for a couple of years and see how long you stay sober!"

Gleek screamed in horror as the two of them proceeded to have a blaster fight on set. "AAAAGH!" Gleek hid behind a chair as they fought.

"Don't worry, they never hit each other," Gaz shrugged as she got up. "Don't know why they always miss. Must be that whole bonding thing."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"I love food and tables on fire!" Gir cackled.

"By the way Gleek I think now is a good time to tell you that your ex wives hired us to go on your show and…Well I think you can figure out the rest," Gaz smirked. "FYI…You really should catch up on your alimony payments."

"Mother…" Gleek whined before he ran for his life.

"Well that's all the time we have today on Good Morning Universe," Gaz remarked to the camera. "Stay tuned for next time as we get a new host and some handy decorating tips on what to do after your place of business has been set on fire."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Gleek ran by with Gir biting on the end of his tail.

"Also we're going to tell you what to do when a robot tries to eat your tail," Gaz remarked. "And how to get those nasty blaster marks out of your couch."

BOOOM!

"Whatever's left of your couch," Gaz remarked as Zim and Dib blew up the couch behind her.

"I HATE YOU DIB!"

"I HATE YOU MORE ZIM!"

"NOT AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU DIB DUMMY DUMBS!"

"I HATE YOU EVEN MORE ZIMMY…ZIM HEADED ZIM!"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN AN INSULT!"

"IT IS ON IRK!"

"OH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU **WENT** THERE! THAT'S IT EARTH STINK! NOW YOU ARE GONNA PAY!"

CRASH!

"HEADLESS CLOWN!" Gir chirped cheerfully.

"I STILL HAVE A HEAD!" Gleek screamed. "AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY!"

"Some things **never** change," Gaz shrugged. She then smiled for the camera, pulled out a blaster and shot it.


End file.
